I never had the thought of committing myself to someone. Never in my life I think of entering a relationship. Never expected myself to like a girl, especially kissing one. It just sort of happened. I was really surprised.
I've liked someone before but I never had the audacity and boldness to kiss them. I don't even like the idea of kissing them. Relationships are scary and I don't want to end up crying just because a boy breaks my heart.
But it was different. Sofia was different.
She made me feel like I want to try. She made me feel that there is nothing wrong about liking someone. She made me feel that kissing is somewhat sweet, unexpected, and romantic. She makes me want to risk it all, and I am willing to do that.
She was my first kiss.
I thought it was perfect. I thought she liked it. I thought she liked me.
Fuck.
"Raine..." Sofia abruptly pulled away from me, her eyes wide with shock and her expression a mix of surprise and disappointment.
Seeing her reaction, my heart sank and a wave of self-consciousness washed over me. I had acted without thinking, and I don't even know what I was doing, but I just did.
Sofia got up from the bed. A thick silence hung in the air, and I could feel my heart hammering against my chest. Her expression was a mixture of shock and confusion, and my mind racing.
I waited for her to say something and this is not what I expected to happen.
"This is wrong–"
"I'm sorry."
My hands trembled involuntarily, and a sense of dread washed over me as I feared that our relationship would never be the same after this. My thoughts raced, contemplating the consequences of my impulsive action. I could feel the weight of the situation hanging in the air, and the uncertainty made the silence feel louder than ever.
"What the fuck, Raine."
My heart sink even further. Her tone was firm and filled with frustration, and it was clear that she was upset with me. I messed up. I fucking messed up. I wanted to explain myself, to apologize, but the words stuck in my throat, and the only thing I could do was fidget silently.
"Do you like me?"
The blunt question took me by surprise, and my throat felt dry as I tried to find the right words to respond. Alam ko ang sasabihin ko. I won't deny it after I just kissed her. But I fear more about the uncertainty that everything will surely change after this. I am expecting the worse.
"Raine." She called me again, her tone was louder.
"I thought you would like it." It slipped out of my mouth.
"The what?"
"The kiss." I stared at her straight in those eyes. I did not like what I see.
"Why the fuck would I like it?"
The shock of her words hit me like a punch to the gut. Her harsh tone and the way she said those words felt like an unexpected blow. I stood silently for a moment, processing her reaction, before finally responding, my voice shaky.
"I.. I don't know," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. The unknown and fear of her rejection hung heavily in the air.
"Why would I like it, Raine? You kissed me without my permission!"
"I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice barely audible. "I didn't mean to do it without your permission. I wasn't thinking... I just..."
The weight of my mistake and the pain that came with it was too much to bear. My eyes started to tingle, and I could feel the burn of tears starting to well up in them.
