IF ONLY

ACE

"A wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal."

FLASHBACK

I am literally, weeping now, hugging Angel. First time in so many years. Yes , I decided to tell Rose about, Aurora. My dead, sister. It hurts so fucking much. Aurora did nothing wrong, she didnt have to die. Hell she wasn't even born. 

My Aura. She left me. Everybody does. My parents did too . And I am scared Rose will too. Aura would have loved Rose and Rose, she would have adored Aura. She was the family , I never had and always craved for. And she was taken away from me even before she was mine. Like that is so unfair. I hate Rose's so called God. There is no one called God.  If he was there then where was he when Aura was in that fucking incubator for fucking 2 weeks ? Where was he when Aura was crying for help ? I still remember her cry. It tore my heart to pieces. It rings in my head all the time.

Rose has somehow stuck all those pieces together now. i don't think I can bear that pain second time. Oh I am fucking friightened. I don't think anyone will be able to understand my pain. 

The person who had been left in a dark pit their whole life.When finally a ray of sunshine through a tiny hole comes into the pit that person gets high hopes and goes to the hole to feel the sunshine and suddenly that tiny hole is blocked and pushes the person deeper into the pit, leaving almost zero ways of gettin out. Like getting a knife pushed through my heart which already has a hole. It just make the hole bigger.

Currently , my head is on Rose's lap. I had zoned out while thinking about Aura. And all that time , Rose has been gently stroking my head. She is so patient and peacefule and calm. Nobody has ever done that to me before. It feels so peaceful. Its the only thing that is keeping me from literally bursting right now.

ROSE : Ace, you ok now ? how do you feel ? You are really brave, Ace. Really. Would you like to continue ? or shall we take a break ?

ACE : After that , dad called Mr. Leo. Mr. Leo was with me at that time. He was telling me about taking care of a new born baby. We both knew that my parents  wouldn't take proper care of her. But we never thought that they would be so careless to lose their own baby. Mr.Leo lied to me. He told me to sleep. I knew he was lying . I took another driver and followed him. He went inside a small hospital. Apparently my parents crashed near a clinic and dad carried mom there. And the sight inside the hospital shattered me.( Staring distantly) Doctors were rushing here and there, bringing Saline ,Iv tubes, breathing masks, bandages. All those were put on the tiny thing crying on the bed. My Aura. Yet she looked so beautiful. So pure. So godly. She was perfect. 

ROSE : I know she would have been perfect. After all she is your sister. She would have grown up to be a beautiful, sweet girl who always looks up to her big brother. Her saviour. She would have been just like her big brother, heavenly.

ACE : I can describe , Aura in just one sentence Angel. She would have been exactly like you.

ROSE : She would have been better. Did your parents go into depression after that Ace ? What about relatives ?

ACE : (laughing) Depression ? No they went for vacation. My parents are selfish people. They care only for each other and no one else. They abandoned their families and eloped. I was unplanned and unwanted. They have just kept me as a heir for their business. My mom has never kissed me till today. And honestly , I don't even care anymore. Yes , I did want their attention. But at the age of 6 , I realised that I was asking for something impossible. My dad told mom that they shouldn't fight just beacuse of a baby. As soon as my mom got discharged, they went away.

I stayed there in that hospital everyday looking at Aura. Mr . Leo travelled and looked everywhere. Contacted the finest doctors in the world , but there was nothing they could do.She was born premature, and was severely injured in the accident. There was no chance of survival. 

The last week was both the worst and the best week of my life. She opened her eyes, Angel. And you know her eye colour, it was exactly yours. She looked at me so expectantly with those big doe eyes. It melted my heart then and there. I cried. I cried looking at her. 

There she was, my sunshine looking at me so innocently with those pure eyes. And all the time she didn't know that she was dying. I was drowning in guilt. She - she -................. she was so light. I held her. I held her with these hands. These hands. ( looking at his hands) The doctor placed her on my chest. The second her hand touched my heart, it sent a sense of extreme fear and satisfaction through my entire body. The next three days, I caried her, kisssed her and kept her on my chest all the time. Those three days were both extremely blissful and painful at the same time. Blissful because she was with me. Painful because I knew she was dying. She smiled the most beautiful smile, just like yours, Angel. Her death was torture. The pain was agonizing. She took a part of me with her that day.

ROSE : You are the strongest person , I have ever met Ace.  You are extremely intelligent both emotionally and intellectually. I can only imagine what you went through. Aurora was too lucky. She had an all in one brother. She had a friend, a father, a mother , a confidant, a protector and a saviour in one brother. I am so proud of you for remembering your worst memory. For living that painful moment again Ace. And for trusting me in your most vulnerable state.

ACE : But , I feel free Angel. I had stopped showing emotions or experiencing them on the day of Aura's death. I didn't want to feel all those emotions. Moreover , I didn't know who to go to. Mr.Leo was already crying. He had been so excited for Aura's birth just as much as me. He wanted to quit woking for my parents because of that. But he stayed.

ROSE : For you. He stayed for you. He knew that they would abandon you . 

ACE : Yes. I couldn't possibly burden him. Now , I feel peaceful Angel. Like a burden's been lift of me.

(In his mind)

Never leave me , Angel. Never. I couldn't in my wildest dreams imagine living without you. I love you dangerously too much. And after losing Aura, losing you would totally kill me. I love you Angel, so much. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe , protected and happy all the time. I will make sure that there is no word called pain in your life.