IF ONLY

ROSE

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

FLASHBACK

Currently , I am sneaking back into my house. I hope my parents got drunk and passed out , because I am seriously not in a position to get scolded or insulted now. As , Ace went to sleep , I called Mr.Leo and he took Ace back. 

I feel sorry for Ace. His situation is worse than mine. Losing your loved ones is very painful. And him blaming himself instead of his parents just makes the situation worse. I will go and call , Mr.Leo just to check on him.

Oh shit. The door is locked from the inside. But , my parents have never done that. They would either be drunk or be at the bar. I would always lock the door. I think , I have to ring the bell now.  Someone's opening, shit its dad.

JACK (Rose's dad) : Look who it is , Anne. Our "beloved " whore of a daughter, who has been out all night. I wonder what she was doing ?

ANNE (Rose's mom) : Oh what else can a whore do dear. She would have been out with boys all night doing "things".

JACK : Care to explain, Mrs. whore ?

ROSE : Please , don't call me that dad. Its not what you think, please. (sobbing)

JACK : How dare you ! calling me your father. You are nothing but a disgrace to us. A dissappointment. A mistake. Get out, don't show your face to me. 

ROSE : Dad please, no. Where will I go ?

ANNE : End of discussion, come back when you are ready to accept your mistake. When you are ready to accept that you are a "whore". And never talk back to my husband. Now get out of our sight.(shut the door, loudly)

Where...... where am I supposed to go now ?(crying hard) I didn't do anything, mom. PLease believe me. They have always scolded me and called me things . But , but they had never chased me out. Oh no, what am I supposed to do. ( breathing hard)

I have no where to go. I don't have friends either whom I could trust. And I certainly can't bother Ace. He has too much going on in his life now. Oh god !! why ?

Pleas help me find a way ! I didn't eat since morning. I am starving.I don't want to die.

 I think I should go to my secret place. Though it has no shelter but its my safe haven, and I have nowhere else to go.

I hope , I don't pass out on the way. 

(After 30 minutes)

I  literally , ran here. I am starving. I am tired. I am having migraine. God, my life sucks.

Was it my fault that I wanted to be happy one day ?

Was it my fault that I wanted to give my self a reward  after all that suffering for years ? 

That I wanted to forget all my pains only for them to grow ten times more.

Honestly ,my eyes have lost the ability to produce tears anyomore. I want to cry , but it seems that even my body is against me.

I want to break away from my parents . I hate them ,a lot. They ruined my childhood. The time when  others were enjoying, I was working. The time when other's parents would pamper them , I was being scolded. But , though they are the cause of my suffering and  my whole body wants to run away from them, there is a small part in my heart , which says that I need to stay.

They both are drunkards and have huge debts, if I leave them in such a situation, their death is inevitable. And I don't think I would be able to live with myself knowing that I am the reason for my parents death. Though they gave me unimaginable pain , they are still my birth givers. I have to stay and bear with them. After I become stable , I will pay them some cash and become free. I will go far away and live my life. But for now, I have to stay with them.

Currently, I am sitting under a tree. My migraine is getting worse. My head is getting heavy. My vision is blurry .I am feeling very dizzy. Oh, it hurts. I can't bear it anymore. (closes eyes)