IF ONLY

ROSE

"The good times of today are the sad thoughts of tomorrow"

FLASHBACK

 I started telling Ace my "past". Not completely though. 

"So Ace, my parents they had a sort of accidental marriage or something. Cause apparently they met at a bar , got too drunk and took some bad decisions. And I was the end product. A mistake.
Something that wasn't meant to come into existence. Because of that mistake , my parents were forced to get married.

Somewhere along the way, my mom fell in love with dad. But dad didn't like her that much. He was pissed that he didn't have the freedoms of single people I guess, like you know he was not the type who liked to be committed to one person. But regardless he married her in hopes that he could have a boy chid. A heir.

I can't imagine how devastated he was when he found out that I was a girl.  He openly showed his hatred towards me , the second I was born. He didn't even care to name me. He just left the house. Went away without any notice. My mom loved him way to much for her own good. She too started hating me. She stopped taking care of me, even looking at me, the day after dad left. I was brought up by my grandma. I was named by my grandma. She stayed , until I was three. My father came back. Apparently he realised his mistake and regretted leaving my mom.But it was obvious that he had come back only because he had run out of money. And both of them chased my grandma away , because apparently she was a liability and was living off mom's money.

My mom being a simp for him, totally bought his excuse. Even though I knew he was a gold digging, sexist bastard , I still wanted to please him. Worked my ass off for him. I don't know why. Maybe I was craving for the love and affection that other girls got from their fathers. Maybe I wanted him to be my hero, my safe place. Cause lets face it, he's the only guy I have ever properly known my whole life. Before I met you that is. Daddy issues I guess.

I studied. Really hard. Cause if good grades made other parents happy , I figured maybe it would make my parents happy too. But boy was I wrong. They did not care. At all. Hell they didn't even care about paying fees to school or even feeding me. I was given the leftovers and I went to school thanks to the savings grandma left me. I haven't heard from her since. But strangely I remember every single moment I had spent with her. She was the only parental figure in my life, for 3 years. The only person I loved. And I miss her, so so much. I wish I could find her. I have so much to tell.

When I was in sixth grade, they figured I was old enough to run the shop and I became their source of income. After my mom's savings eventually ceased, they decided to rent a shop just under the house . But that wasn't successful either. But still somehow, they survived. By taking heavy loans from large moneylenders and went into a huge debt.

From sixth grade, till today I have been giving them all the money from the shop. I am surviving on tips and some money that I have  been saving for a long time. I am in this school only because of my scholarship. The principal is a nice old woman, she gave me admission despite me being por and having drunkards for parents. Unlike all others at school , that is.

But before you say anything Ace, I want you to know the reason why I hadn't said all this before. Because I don't want you treating me any different than now. Pitying me. And trying to help me by giving money or other things. I want to pull this off , on my own. 

And  most importantly , I like you a lot. You are probably the only person I have liked after grandma. And I like you a thousand times more than I liked her. I don't care whether you like me or not. I dont care whether you reciprocate my feelings or not. If you like some other person or if you are not interested, I respect your wishes. I will be happiest to remain as your shadow. To stay away from you if thats what makes you happy. But there's one thing I am asking you. Just as I respect you , you have to respect my wishes as well. And the one thing I want, is you should'nt change the way you look at me now, just because of my shitty past, ok ?

I dont want that holding me back. And I couldn't possibly bear the only person I like, pitying me."

Well there are a few parts I left out. But, if you think I am going to reveal them to Ace, then thats probably the most stupid thing you have ever thought of. 

Already I can feel that Ace is not taking this well . I can tell that he's angry. Dangerously angry. But still he's trying so hard. So hard to hide his dark side from me. He is trying to stay calm and comfort me. His knuckles are almost about to bleed , the way he is tightly pressing them. 

My heart flutters , they way he is trying to not get angry though that's like his whole personality.

I am feeling conflicting emotions right now. On one hand I am crying from recalling my past. Its overwhelming and makes me feel pathetic . On the other hand I feel satisfied and ...... peaceful , that its Ace who knows me.My past . Well part of it.

I hope everyday feels like this. I dont want to go back to that house. There has never been a place I could call home, till today. Now I realised that Ace is my safe place. Ace is my confidant.

Ace is my .................. home.