accidents happen

Survive My Own Mind

"It's harder that I can't point
exactly why I'm anxious
Everything is fine, but I
still want to escape it
I can't take it"
- Survive My Own Mind
Ashley Kutcher

Outside, this building looked very old. It's made of dark grey stone with black and white stone trim. Inside, however, it's the opposite. It's very modern and minimalist. I don't like it at all. I don't feel comfortable under this harsh lighting and growing smell of lavender.

I'm sitting in this tiny office waiting room, wanting to die. I'm waiting to receive my dorm key and class schedule for Hawthorne Academy, a school for the troubled. I'm 'troubled' in this case.

My mom and I have never gotten along, but I guess when we argued and I stole her car and drove two states away to go to a party with my boyfriend, I might've been taking it a bit too far.

I didn't even want to go to the party; it's not my scene, the lights flashing, loud music, sweaty people, the growing stench of vomit and piss. I've never been a party person. I just needed to be someone else.

Anyways, after lengthy back-and-forths with my stepdad, they sent me here. My mom was going to send me to live with my grandparents, my stepgrandparents, but I would've been even worse with them. They don't love me or even tolerate me simply because we aren't really related.

When Mom brought up the conversation, my grandma was more than happy to 'help me learn my lesson.' Thankfully, my stepdad, David, was against the idea. He knows they don't love me; he's seen the difference between how they treat me and Dean and how they treat my younger siblings.

I have an older brother, Dean, and two younger siblings, Julie and Alex; they're twins. Dean is nineteen and currently completing his second year of senior year, while Alex and Julie are seven and in the fourth grade; they skipped two grades.

I'm nothing like any of them. Dean's good at sports and actually extremely smart; he just doesn't care much for school. The twins are both super smart. They're also amazing at art; they sculpt, paint, and crochet. It's eerie how talented and mature they are at 7.

When I was 7,  I was still binge-watching Austin and Ally and just barely passing math; not much has changed since then. Except my dad, he died. It's sad, but I guess you move on and try and forget.

Mom doesn't get it, but she never did. Dad understood. He used to play guitar, and I would sing for him. I don't like singing anymore. It's not a big deal; I just don't want to deal with the emotions that come with it.

They asked me to sing at his funeral, but I couldn't; I was nine years old, shaking before I ran off the podium sobbing. Mom was mad, I could tell, but she held me anyways and rocked me in her arms. That's when I thought things would change and that she would try with me, but things didn't work to plan.

She married David within the year. She and Dad had already finalized their divorce when he died, so I didn't expect her to wait too long, but it hurt regardless. It was even worse because I love David. He's incredible and plays the guitar.

That was Mom's 'hook' factor. She tried getting me to spend more time with David so we could be like me and Dad. I tried to, but I just ended up crying. I felt like I'd replaced him.

David was okay with that, but Mom wasn't. She never said anything, but after that, we were back to before.

I look around the room. I've been here for over an hour. Maybe I should get something to eat?

Of course, as soon as I think of leaving; someone calls my name,  I look up and see a pretty blonde in a suit dress staring at me. "Jordan Redding?" I stop. "Right. Sorry, I hadn't heard you." She smiles, "Follow me."