Trauma-ridden and adopted by matpat

Admission

-that night-

I found myself staring down a pair of scissors yet again. I lightly brushed the shiny metal blades against my thigh, gazing at it with tired eyes. I looked down at my arms and legs and that's when I realized. Between the old, wispy lines, and the newer ones that were still red and scabby, I was beginning to look like a used cutting board. I looked back at the scissors and dropped them to the ground. The pain that I had so naively befriended was started to betray me. I was exhausted, I was so so tired of doing this to myself. I just couldn't do this anymore. The more I did it, the more the life drained out of me. But as much as I wanted to, as much as I needed to stop, I kept crawling back like a hungry dog to a bowl of food. The food was poisoned. I cursed out the scissors under my breath and crawled back into bed.

-the next day-

I woke up to the painfully-bright, buzzing hospital lights. I sat up and blinked the drowsiness away. My eyes fell onto the pair of scissors that was still laying on the floor. I couldn't help but proudly smirk at it. I had another dime-a-dozen battle with the pain, and won. For once, I stood up and didn't let it trample all over me. If only I was strong enough to do that every time. But as much as I hated it, it was inevitable. I wouldn't be able to just turn down the cravings like that every time. There would be more instances of weakness. This was a small victory for me, but the war was far from over. The depression was still up several tallies.

-time skip to an hour later-

The door creaked open and Mat walked in. "Hey kiddo, how are you doing?" He asked. "Good." "So I have some good news....some of your friends are getting discharged today and you are probably going to get there tomorrow or in a few days!" "Wait, actually!?" He smiled a little bit and nodded. "Finally! It's been like a week, I miss sleeping in my bed, I miss waking up in my bedroom and not in a sterile hospital room!" "Yeah, only a few more days of this and you can have all of that back. There's just one more thing though..." He kneeled down next to my bed. I took notice of the change in his tone and behavior. "...Yeah?" He deeply sighed and rubbed his temples. "Look honey, neither of us want me to manually check so can you just be honest with me, did you self harm last night?" "No." He rested his eyes down in a disappointed manner and gingerly picked the scissors up off the floor. "Then why are these here?" "I...well...I thought about it but I didn't do it. "Show me your wrists." I knew that I hide nothing to hide, but I was still reluctant to show him. I was frankly just offended that he wasn't taking my word for it. "Why? I didn't!" "Well you've lied about this before, I don't know if I can trust you." He gently rolled up my sleeves and investigated my arms. "Oh...you really didn't." "I told you..." "Good job, kiddo. I'm proud of you." Growing up, I had been heavily discouraged to keep things to myself. Talking about my problems would be considered "whining" and I would get hit. That's why it made me emotionally wince to say the next thing. But it was something I needed to be said. I took a deep breath and through scrunched eyes, I muttered it with a shaky voice. "Dad...I-I'm not okay."

"Thank you for admitting that, y/n. I can tell that it wasn't easy. So what do you want to do about it?" Mat kept his calm demeanor and focused on solving the problem. "I...I don't know..." "What would be helpful? Going back on Zoloft?" "I mean...yeah...but what about-" "Don't worry about the chemo. If you need it, you are going back on Zoloft and we can put the chemo on hold. "But I don't want to!" "Well, you have a choice. Do you want to hold out until you are done with chemo in a few months or do you want to put it on hold to prioritize your mental health?" "I'd rather just deal with it until I am done with chemo." "Alright, if that's what you want, we can stick with that. But do you think you can go two months without cutting yourself?" "I...I think so..." "You did it last night, you can do it again. You can hang on for these next few months." "But what if I can't!?" "Just try your best. Please just try your best." "But what if my best isn't enough?" "Y/N, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. As long as you are truly trying, that will always be enough." I looked down. "This is all going to be over soon, just hold on tight."