Too Bad So Sad ~ Chapters 1-16 Available To Read Now ~

Author's Note

Normally I wouldn't make another author's note so close to another one, but after this chapter I think it is much needed. So let's talk about it...

I do want to preface this by saying, I tried to handle the subject at hand very carefully. As I've had a rough childhood myself, and most of the interactions between Xoey and her mom are loosely based off of the relationship between my mom and I. So although it may sound outlandish and the dialogue may sound kinda weird like no one would ever talk like that. You'd be very surprised to find out some of that dialogue is almost exactly verbatim to stuff my own mother has said to me. I haven't overtly stated or mentioned it but Alice, and Mrs. Ibanez have narcissistic personality disorder. For those that don't know, it's a personality disorder where someone has a super inflated sense of self importance, disregard anyone else's feelings, and a sense of self entitlement. I'm sure everyone has seen the word kinda floating around on the internet to some extent. Xoey's mom is a narcissistic mother who thinks about herself and the image of her family. The last part kind of makes sense because her husband is a politician so the public's perception of the family is extremely important. Which is why when Alice goes on a smear campaign and throws Xoey under the bus this messes with her sisters wedding, and how the family looks as a whole.

My mother was the same way, she was a single mom, but she constantly worried about how I dressed and looked and bugged the shit out of me about how I ate. The only reason she cared was because she cared too much about everyone's opinions and she didn't want to appear like a bad mother. It was around the age of like 9-11 years old that I started to realize "Oh I like this goth band, and I like wearing the color black." The signs that I was a baby bat were very evident even before that. I was like really young when my aunt came home with a nose piercing and I was immediately drawn to that. I was like

"Oh...I want that!" And when I was like 5 years old, I remember seeing my grandmother dye her hair black, and then I wanted to do that. Both of those things were brought up to my mom when I was like 13 or 14 years old and she flat out told me,

"No. You're not doing that." I hit her up with the same question a couple years later and again it was a flat out "No."

Same thing with my clothes, when we went to go back to school shopping she wouldn't let me get black colored clothes, or if she did it would only be like one or two items of clothing only and the rest would be colors or designs I really didn't care for. That was the compromise almost all of the time, it could be black, but with colored designs (I threw most of those clothes away.). But for any solid black color it was a solid no. She would get mad about what I was wearing if it was too revealing (I get it now as an adult) or too dark (never understood it). I wasn't really able to fully express myself without my mom commenting or complaining about it. It drove me absolutely fucking mad.

What also drove me mad was every time I felt like I couldn't eat in front of her, she'd nag on me for chewing too loud or nibbling, or whatever she could pick at. One time my mom, a family member and I were in a really fancy setting and everyone is dressed up really nice. And I'm chewing my gum normally, it wasn't loud or smacking. But my mom yelled at me in front of all these strangers who're dressed up very nicely, it was a super embarrassing moment. It didn't even process in her mind that she was embarrassing me. She wanted me to essentially be a mini version of her which I was not about.

When it comes to Xiomara, I made Xiomara a character because usually when it comes to narcissists they have a golden child that they compare their other child "the scape goat" to. In this case, Xoey has been living in Xiomara's shadow, and has been compared to Xiomara her whole life which is everything Mrs. Ibanez wants her child to be. And in some instances, the golden child can learn those behaviors from the narcissistic parent(s) and become a narcissist themselves. Sometimes that does not happen, sometimes it does it really depends on person to person. Growing up, my mom compared me to other kids who were making the honor roll and doing multiple different sports and in a sense "popular". I was never that. I never made the honor roll, I never really did any sports, and I was not popular. I was some alt girl who liked to draw, write, watch anime and horror movies, play video games and I loved theatre. Which is where the Phantom of The Opera references come in (if you can't tell it's my absolute favorite.)

I have never been sexually assaulted so I tried to shed some light as well as mindful about how it's presented (if that makes any sense). I've had multiple off handed sexual comments made to me, but that's as far as it has ever gotten. I've never let it get physical. Sexual assault is not something I take lightly, it's a very serious issue that deserves to be addressed. Like I said, I've tried to present it but not like glamorize or exploit it. These are real things people go through and it's a horrible thing to experience. Like I've stated before I've tried to present it in a way that isn't explicit, or exploitive.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be verbal, emotional, sexual and mental. And I feel like people often perceive abuse as physical or sexual, and in today's day and age, people are becoming more aware of it. They're becoming more aware of traits of narcissism, manipulation tactics, and overall that words can be absolutely harmful. This is obvious and I don't really need to explain this, but I felt the need to talk about it, as well as provide some context and information about everything that occurred in that chapter. As well as resources for victims of abuse which will be provided below.

I hope this note provides the context, insight and information needed about the previous chapter. Thank you for reading.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (24/7 hotline)

National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453 (call or text 24/7 hotline)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7 hotline)

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