Begin Again

Bruised Heart

Siwet's POV:

We hadn't spoken two words to each other after that incident in the car. I don't know what to think about it. I was genuinely so very hurt. It's one thing to hear bad things about yourself in some article or spoken by some stranger. It didn't matter to me that thousands of people out there had this perception about me. Only one person mattered. And even she proved that she thought the same.

It's not even truly about that. She said those cruel words knowing how badly they would affect me. She knew what ticked me off and decided to use it against me. That makes it so much worse. I'm not even sure if she meant them or they were just said in the heat of the moment but she struck where the iron was hot. She knew exactly where, when and how to hit it. Knowingly or unknowingly, she did do it and that makes me vulnerable in a way that I'm not comfortable with. Not even with her.

I don't just allow anyone to have that kind of power over me. Not even my family. I don't open up to people easily. I have trust issues. I can't allow myself to rely or depend on them. Only a few people have come close and Anicka was one of them. She became a part of my very private circle. I've never regretted letting her in, truth be told. Not even after we broke up. Not even now. But I'm thinking maybe I should be.

Anicka's POV:

He's been giving me the silent treatment ever since that moment. Not that I blame him, I said some unforgivable things. I regretted them the second the words got out of my mouth but it was too late. I wish I could take them back. I really do. But I can't.

I couldn't help but wince every time the conversation played in my mind.

You obviously couldn't afford to lose your precious image of a loverboy.

No wonder he hasn't even spared me a glance the whole day. I tried to read him, to understand him but his expression was always schooled to one of indifference. Siwet can be blunt when he wants to. If there's one thing I've learned about him in splitsvilla, it's that. It's almost next to impossible to break him out of his brooding. If he sets his mind to it, he does it and he does it well.

But the thing is, I know myself too. And I know that I can take him out of it. If he's so determined then I'm no less. If he's so hell bent then I could give him a run for his money. As he once told me, he has met his match.

Siwet's POV:

Shooting has not been easy. I can't even look at her properly let alone be attentive and focus on the scene. It could be a trick of the light but I thought I saw hurt flash across her eyes every time I looked away or completely ignored her. I felt bad but it served her right. If she thought that she's the only one who can get under my skin, two can play that game.

I was exhausted and I knew it wasn't just the shoot. I was mentally drained. All I wanted to do was go back to my vanity and rest my eyes for a bit. Little did I know I had a surprise waiting for me.

Anicka's POV:

I was having second thoughts as I paced through the room. I knew I needed to talk to him and sort things out but should I have come here? Too late to think of that now. I can hear his footsteps coming closer. I braced myself.

He opened the door and questioned quizzically, "What are you doing here?"

I moved towards him and started, "I just wanted to talk about what happened the other day. I feel really bad–"

"Just stop," he motioned with his hands.

I held his arm, "Siwet please just hear me out. I sensed him waiting so I continued. "What I said was completely out of line. I should never have said that. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and I didn't mean what I said. I'm so sorry."

He furrowed his brows, sighed and said, "It's okay Anicka. I appreciate it."

I knew my job there was done. I had gone and I had apologized. But something didn't feel right. I said all the correct words and he graciously accepted but there was something off about it. And that made me pause.

He exhaled and asked, "What is it now?"

"I don't know. I just-" I noticed the way he was not even looking at me. His eyes were red rimmed and he looked like he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. "Do I really affect you that much?"

His gaze moved at me then, "What do you want me to say? Didn't you already get your answer?," he said miserably.

I was about to reply when he stopped me. "You hurt me and then you comfort me. You give me a reason to hate you and then you give me a reason to love you. I don't know what to believe anymore."

That silences me. I expected a lot of things but this was not one of them.

"This–" I close my eyes. "This is why what I said was so terrible. Because you didn't believe that I could hurt you, and yet I did."

"Then why?" he asked. His words came out a rasp. "Why did you do it?"

Because you hurt me. Because you left me alone inside the house. Because I wanted you to feel the pain you made me feel. All true but not true enough. I could say any of these. But instead I chose to say the thing that had been eating me alive since the past six months.

My lips trembled and a tear trickled down my cheeks, "Because I loved and I loved and I lost you."

It's not the falling in love that's the hard part, it's the walking away from it. It's needing somebody else more than you need yourself. It's being happier with them then you are on your own. It's losing yourself to it and not knowing who you are without it.

And as I finally take a deep breath and truly tell Siwet what I'm feeling, I realise, for the first time in a long time, I feel free.

~end~

True love is usually the most inconvenient kind. When they're gone and it still hurts, that's when you know the love was real.

PS: Thank you so much for all your love on the previous chapter. Every single comment meant the world to me!

Till we meet again.

Lots of love,
D