Saving Herself

Ivan was lowkey kinda chill

 "Since when the turtle-neck?", Ivan asked as he slumped down next to Ben at his desk. He reached out, slightly pulling down the turtle-neck in attempt to reveal Ben's neck.

Ben flinched, lightly hitting away Ivan's hand.

"What? Was I too much yesterday?", Ivan whispered.

Ben chuckled. "Yeah. Stop running your mouth like that."

Ben turned back to his doodle, sketching a little more. It felt weird seeing Ivan in school. It felt weird in general. His felt like his feelings for Troy were in the way. Or his situation with Aurelia. He had gone the length to try and seem like a good friend to her, to bait her. But the more he spent time with Ivan, the more time he spent with Bertha's friend group, Aurelia didn't have much to offer, no?

It all started with Aurelia, honestly.

Without her, no one from Bertha's friend group would come up to them. His friendship with Aurelia got the girls of Bertha's group jealous. After all, someone as lonely as Aurelia wasn't supposed to be friends with a guy, someone popular was supposed to. It was hideous how they treated Aurelia. But Ben could treat her worse.

Finally, when jealousy would take hold of them, they included Ben into their friend group. Everything was going the way Ben wanted them to.

Voices became louder and louder in the back of class.

Someone was crying faintly.

Ben kept his head down. Oh. Aurelia is crying again.

"Ben. She's crying. Don't you wanna say something?", Ivan asked him.

Ben silently doodled on his paper, listening to the silent sobs of someone he labeled his friend.

"We're going drinking again this Saturday, right?", he asked, not looking up, blankly staring at his doodle.

Ivan stared at him silently, his gaze lingering on his emotionless face.

"She's looking at you."

"Yeah. I know."

Aurelia's desperate looks for help we're only answered by silence. Her vision blurred. Did you think she could endure all this talking?

She stopped looking, closing her eyes and wiping away her tears.

--

They would meet up every other Saturday to drink together. The oldest would buy all the alcohol, they would sit at the river and chat while drinking. Aurelia never went to those meetups. Bertha even went out of her way to create an extra group without her to invite everyone to drink, thus excluding her. Ben was in that group. So was Ivan.

He was in his element. It was fun. It was fast. It was the friendgroup he always wished he had.

So he drank. The bitter taste didn't matter as long as the alcohol kicked.

And once Ben was drunk, they asked him questions, asked him about Aurelia.

Ben chuckled. "She... she is nice. She is more than I held her for." This was the time before he had found his feelings for Ivan. For him at that moment, he used Aurelia to get closer to them.

"I brought her everywhere. I brought her to the ice rink, I brought her to a café to sketch... look, I learned how to draw because of her.", Ben took a swig, drunkenly smiling. "I asked her to the movies, we studied at the library, we played video games together.", she rambled, chuckling a bit. "She falls a lot when she's on ice. And once she held my hand she was suddenly so confident."

It feels so stupid imagining what I wished he said. Maybe he was silent the whole time. Maybe he didn't say Aurelia's name at all.

Because soon after, Bertha's friend group gave him their biased perspectives about her.

And, as the fucking fool he is, he believed them.

After all, Bertha knew what she is talking about, right?

Ben took another swig, his cheeks lightly flushed, his ears red. "... really?", he asked. "Yes.", Bertha said, giggling.

Ben's eyes lingered on the last bit of beer that he swirled in his cup, as he reimagined Aurelia.

All the memories with her meant nothing anymore.

 They were on their way home. Ben felt weak, stumbling around. Ivan was supporting him.

"Didn't know you'd take that much.", Ivan said.

Ben hummed drunkenly.

It was dark, they arrived at a stop, waiting for the tram.

Ben leaned on Ivan. "You smell good.", he mumbled. Ivan chuckled in response, slightly shaking his head in disbelief and gently pushing Ben away from him.

The tram arrived, screeching to halt. The dull light of the lights that emitted from the windows of the tram shone on their tired faces. When Ivan turned to look at Ben as he supported him to walk towards the door of the tram, he caught a glimpse of the redness on his face... and a somewhat complex expression. As if he were torn between joy and sadness.

The doors gilded open. Ivan turned away and helped the staggering Ben inside.

He led him towards one of the seats, to which Ben slumped down. Ben grinned drunkenly, leaning back against the wall behind him. Ivan stepped back and leaned against the wall opposite of him, holding onto a railing.

"'Bout time you know the limits of your alcohol tolerance."

Thunk. The doors glided shut.

"Mmm... yeah."

The tram slowly started moving, slightly swaying its passengers.

Ivan silently watched his friend, who was smiling at him, eyes half-lidded.

"Do you believe what they say about Aurelia?", Ivan asked.

Ben's smile slowly dropped. He leaned forward, resting his upperarms on his knees, his gaze suddenly fixed on Ivan in a serious manner.

Ivan blankly stared back.

Ben grinned. "What do you think?"

"..."

"So?"

"If you believe them, what do you think of Aurelia now?"

"I think of her as I always have."

"How do you think of her then?"

Ben leaned back, eyes squinting in thought.

"Is she still nice to you? Still more than you held her for?", Ivan asked.

Ben giggled. "How'd you know?"

"You rambled."

"That was all a lie. She is getting boring."

Ivan laughed. "You're dumping her because she's boring?"

"Dumping? Where's the fun in that? I'm still her friend in her eyes. I can toss her around a little."

Ivan scoffed. "Drunk bastard."