Saving Herself

Ben the depressed alcoholic

 It was one of those days again.

Those days where they were alone.

"I love you, you know that?", Ben slurred.

Ivan turned to look at Ben.

"Yes. You told me many times.", Ivan answered.

"You're...perfect, Ivan," Ben hiccuped. "You smell good... are you... real? Are you really real, Ivan?"

"You're drunk again.", Ivan said, taking away the cup of alcohol in Ben's hand and placing them on the coffee table. Despite all, Ivan couldn't deny the fact that his ears turned slightly red. He turned back to face Ben again, his mouth open to say something.

"So? Drunk or not, I still looove youuu," He poked Ivan's chest, letting his finger glide down. Ivan's breath hitched and he abruptly pulled Ben's hand away from his shirt before it could end up anywhere embarrassing. "Hey-"

Ben suddenly flung his arms around Ivan, pulling him towards him. It startled Ivan.

"Hey... aren't gonna say it back to me?", Ben whispered, his lips lightly grazing Ivan's ear. Ivan gulped nervously, leaning away.

"I... I love you too." His ears were burning.

Ben stared at him, adjusting himself to face him. It relatively was dark, Ivan only saw the dark shadows that outlined the face of his best friend.

"What's wrong?", Ivan asked.

"You... aren't gonna leave me, are you? You're gonna stay by my side, right?", he asked. His eyes were glassy and his voice had softened. Ivans tough demeanor faltered.

"I'm not going anywhere, Ben. I'm here."

"You promise?" He leaned closer, his eyes half-lidded and his hand slowly interlocking with Ivan's. Ivan could taste the alcohol when Ben talked. His heart was racing.

"Yes. I promise."

--

"Aurelia, why don't you come drink with us?"

She was underage. Like the rest of them.

He was smiling, being all cutesy and brotherly. You'd think he's innocent.

She said she didn't want to, and blurted out about how only losers drink. She rushed past him.

Ben scoffed, looking at her as she ran away.

"Weak performance.", he called out.

I wonder if he knew that Aurelia was on the brink of crying. But for once, she did not follow everything he said like a loyal dog. For once, she spoke up for herself.

It was when he realised Aurelia wasn't that close to him anymore.

--

Now with all cheesiness aside, who the fuck was Ben to tell Aurelia that not drinking was something weak of her? If anything, he was weak. He willingly got into a shitty group, who enjoyed destroying their liver at such young age for the sake of "hype", for the sake of "being cool". Was anything about drinking underage cool? What worth did anyone of that friend group have to get drunk, lose their minds, ruin themselves? Acting as if they were adults already? How did anything of it make them any more elite than someone who was living the life of a fifteen year old because she WAS fifteen?

And similarily to how Ben tried pressuring Aurelia to drink, Ben was, at some point, convinced to drink by someone himself. Convinced to see that as something cool.

Was everything a lie, then? Was the kindness he gave Aurelia only show for her to stick around? Was the kindness really pure? Or was it manipulation in disguise?

What a mess he was.

--

Ben looked at Aurelia. She had told him that she wanted to join the school orchestra. She wanted to play the guitar.

"I'm joining you.", he said.

It was easy for Ben to join. After all, he played the transverse flute. But for Aurelia, it had been a long process for her to apply to orchestra. The orchestra did not include guitars. It seemed futile to further invest time into applying, so it wouldn't be surprising if she had dropped the idea. Yet she was fixed on her idea and ended up securing a modest and apologetic spot as the percussionist. It was quite unlikely: would Aurelia truly rather go that far to apply for a laughable spot than to save her sense of self?

Probably because she wanted to be with Ben. Or so you thought.

Because when the first day of practice commenced, she wasn't looking at him at all. Not even her classmates she saw as her friends.

Her focus was solely on a violinist, Darian.

Darian was in Aureilas old class, and he resembled her somewhat. He did not speak much, he didn't have much friends. He was quietly sitting on the other end of the room, taking out the bow of his violin and rosining it.

And when they got up to the assembly hall to take their places, Ben realised how she would glance over to his direction at times. He was second violin, so they were very far apart. But it was remarkable how she was always looking in his direction... and not Ben's.

--

Multiple orchestra practices passed, where Aurelia resiliently played her part as a percussionist, holding a laughable triangle in her hands. She had a few chats with the orchestra director, who was quite encouraging towards her role and helped her enjoy it.

Sooner or later, she had found the courage to talk to Darian. They started talking as old classmates. But maybe not, in a sense. It has been long since they ever had any interaction.

Ben saw them sitting at the rows of the audience, talking, Aurelia occasionally leaning over to understand Darians quiet voice.

Ben also saw Aurelia gifting him various things, one of them being a red chinese cut-out in the shape of a rabbit, cut with precision and care. It was chinese new year at the time. Ben never received one.

--

It was once when Aurelia rushed into the assembly hall, placed down her bag near to where Darian was sitting and prepared her triangle in a hurry. Ben was near her, getting out his flute, preparing it, chatting to Bertha.

It was when Aurelia quickly told Darian she had something important to do and would come back soon. She had gotten a phone call prior.

Ben watched her rush out of the room. Bertha turned to her friends and started talking with them.

Ben glanced at Darian. He smiled, sat next to him.

"Hi.", Ben grinned.