Saving Herself

BEN IS FOQIN ASS

 "Ben." It was Ivan. Ben turned around. "Yeah?"

They were walking home. But this time, Ivan had walked in Ben's direction. For sure, it would've been normal. They always did this. But this time, Ben couldn't help but feel uneasy with him around.

"Let's talk." Ivan's words were piercing, unusually... unfamiliar. Ben felt a sting in his chest. Was this it? Has the time come?

"Ivan, I love you, but I really don't have time today, I - "

Ivan abruptly grabbed Ben's shoulder, dragging him with him. "I guess you're going to be late, then."

"What do you want to talk about?", Ben asked, cautiously.

"You'll know.", Ivan answered. Ben tried looking him in the eyes. They were empty. Fixed on the street in front of him, not sparing a single glance towards him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This can't be.

They reached the front door of Ivan's home.

"Hey... what's wrong?", Ben asked sweetly, stepping closer to give Ivan a kiss on the cheek. Ivan dodged. This was the first time Ivan had looked at him after he had ignored him the whole time they were walking. This was when Ben saw Ivan eyes more clearly, for once. Even though they appeared emotionless, they were conflicted between pain and anger. Ivan didn't have to say anything for Ben to understand.

"Get in.", Ivan said, opening the door for Ben. Ben's gaze lingered on Ivan for a while, before he reluctantly, and without a word, stepped inside. He took off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack. The steps he took to the living room felt hollow, echoing in the empty corridor.

He started pacing in the living room.

He had known that this day would come sooner or later. He had rehearsed this conversation many times. Yet he didn't want to face it. He still had the little hope in him that Ivan would address something different. The little hope that he could get away from the problems he built himself.

Ivan stepped in.

Ben's heart thumped.

"Do you not want to sit down?", Ivan asked.

Ben nodded slightly, slumping down to the coach. He leaned forward, his upper arms leaning on his knees, trying to hold down his bouncing leg, looking up to Ivan, who leaned on the counter.

Ivan raised his eyebrows.

"So? Are you going to sit there and refuse to talk about your lust for Darian?" The air felt cold.

Ben chuckled, trying to keep his composure. He just had to play things calmly. "Lust? For Darian? Where did you get that idea?"

"You see -", Ivan began.

"Look, I don't know much about how much you know, but you might be just jumping conclusions.", Ben interrupted.

"Jumping conclusions, you say?", Ivan scoffed. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I saw the texts on your phone. I saw how you grew more and more distant. I saw how you would spend more time with Darian. And-"

"So you've been-"

"LISTEN TO ME, BEN. FOR ONCE."

"NOT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY PHONE."

"You have something to hide, that's what this is about?" It hurt so much.

"No, gosh, this is about trust. So you're telling me you've been spying on me? When trust is the foundation of everything? So you don't trust me?"

Ivan blinked, confused. Overwhelmed by how this conversation was spiralling down to. "....what? This is clearly not-"

"Oh yes it is. If you trusted me, we wouldn't be here, having this conversation."

"For whom do you hold yourself, Ben? I saw the marks you left on Darian."

Ben was breathing heavily, eyes searching for some kind of mistake in Ivan that he could point out.

Ivan shook his head, stern, empty eyes fixed on Ben. "Don't search for excuses, Ben. I've been right beside you the whole time. And..."

"Yeah? Are you so sure about that?"

Ivan helplessly looked back at Ben. How could have things turned out this way? "What is there to deny?", he asked quietly, his voice on the brink of breaking.

"So first you don't trust me and now you wonder why I indulge myself in a stupid mistake?"

Ivan scoffed, speechlessly looking at the boy he had once loved. He couldn't believe it.

"A mistake? You kissed him. You had your opportunity to pull away from it all. You had the chance to come clean and you didn't take it. It's not something that happens by mistake."

"And you? You're saying that you're loyal and all and by my side when you're the one snooping around in my phone. Are you sure you're not talking in circles?"

"When you're the one who cheated?"

"Cheated? Did I?" Ben crossed his arms. "Ivan. This isn't cheating. If you were there for me, if you hadn't been so distant, if you just had put more effort into us, all of this wouldn't have happened. You were not there for me and now you're upset that I found someone who was actually by my side? Someone who was actually there to give me comfort you failed to give me?"

"What?" Ivan drew his eyebrows together. "Effort? This shouldn't only come from me. You have the wrong idea. I gave my all, I loved you with all I had. I made sure to hide it all so no one finds out JUST LIKE YOU WANTED ME TO."

Ben huffed breathlessly, looking back at Ivan, barely knowing what to say. He nodded slowly and dangerously, his eyes glassy and full of anger, gritting his teeth. "You're good at making things all about me. If you weren't focussed on being right, things could've been fixed way sooner."

"Don't twist it."

Ben was fidgeting with his hands in frustration. This is not how he wanted things to be. He couldn't seem to escape.

"In the end, it was your choi-"

"MAYBE WE WERE THE MISTAKE.", Ben yelled, getting up, pacing around. He finally had enough.

"Maybe we were the mistake, WAY before Darian was there."

Ivan gritted his teeth, holding himself back from beating Ben up right then and there. He had brought him here with the hope of an apology, of a way to make things right. He was ready to forgive his lover if he just had said he was sorry.

"You fucker-"

"We never should have been. You were the biggest fucking mistake."

Ivan's heart shattered.

"Fine." Despite nodding and keeping his head high, his voice was slightly trembling. "If that's what you think I am. If this is all you want."

Ben felt his stomach dropped. Everything just got worse. He shrugged. "Maybe that's for the best."

"Leave."

Ben pressed his lips together. He stormed past Ivan, yanked his coat off the rack and slammed the door shut behind him.

--

Only once Ben was at home was when his expression started to waver. He locked himself in his room. It all felt cold. Passive.

He'll come around. He will. He always did.

After a few silent seconds, he collapsed to the floor. The silence was deafening.