Saving Herself

Unsent letters

I have said nothing and everything at the same time. And I have witnessed enough. Aurelia has only seen what was real.

Ben, why did you treat me like that? Did you ever stop to think about how it just hurt, it hurt to see you become someone unrecognisable? You never listened, you never cared. In the end, everything was only about you. You were worse than all the death threats, all the mockery, all the badmouthing, all the judging, all the plagiarism, all of the exclusion – you were worse than all of it. I hope I can forget you.

Dean. Agatha stalked us. When I wanted to be friends with you, she would always be around and write down everything we did together. After finishing three pages, she made me read them all. I stopped talking to you after that.

Bertha. I don't understand you and I never will. I hope we never cross paths again.

Dear Ivan, I hope you are well.

Darian. You were weird. I hope you are happy being friends with Ben, I hope you gained whatever you wanted to gain by ghosting me. I hope you felt happier by falling in love for another girl. Despite all, I wonder if you kept the paper cut-out. I liked you. I really did. And I had wished that you would smile that brightly when you see me as you do to Ben.

Dear Luca, I hope you are well. We could've been great friends if I wasn't scared of a future that has never been. We could've communicated. Maybe you would have understood me.

Dear Lucian. I hope you still give Helga the hell you always have given her. You were confusing – I don't know if you were bullying or teasing me.

Leonard; I didn't think you were necessarily as bad as Helga pictured you. You weren't necessarily good either. I hope the many times you had dropped classes made you realise what you are.

Oleg. Did you eventually realise that making a fool out of yourself kills you? Everyday I had class with you, you got soulless and soulless by the day.

Maren. You were lonely, I believe. Similar to Helga and Oleg, you try to justify your position in society. You smeared grease in my hair, you ridiculed me for not owning a phone, you belittled my drawings, you laughed at me, you accused me, you had fun pressuring me. And you really thought all of that gave you worth?

Agatha. Drink up. Your character is punishment enough.

Emily, are you true to yourself? Are you a marionette to people's words?

Dear Beth, I did not forget the death threat.

Helga. When you got drunk and started slurring about how you hated yourself, I had shifted my perspective about you. There were a thousand other ways to make yourself feel worthy. But you chose to hate others around you and make fun of them. Do you feel satisfied after all of it? Weren't you scared of the hostility you'd get as the consequence of your own muse?

Dear Aquamarine, I hope you are doing fine. You were kind and patient. When we were joking about fish, or when you were surprised at how much I wrote during class when I was frustrated for not having enough paper, when I copied the way you would circle your numbers when starting an exercise; all of it was kind of cool to me. If I had the courage, I'd really want to be friends with you. But Emily likes you, I think. She would turn against me, and I am scared. And Helga would accuse me of being in love with you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I hope you could understand. I don't want to know if you changed. I don't think I want to see another person I considered kind become someone unrecognisable again. But I am thankful for the little things while we were briefly seatmates.

Mabel. You're so insecure of yourself. Did plagiarism make you confident? Did badmouthing your friends make you confident? Did laughing at others make you love yourself more?

Mia. You watch too many movies. Wake up.

Agnes and Maude, the world doesn't revolve around you. Mocking me because I talked back; was that the best you could come up with?

Superficial. After all this time, after all of the times I skipped class, after all the time I told you I didn't feel so well in this school and how you would reassure me with your hollow lies of how you would "talk" to the your colleagues, I hope you understood why you never saw my signature on the card that your oh so adorable, harmless class gave you as a goodbye gift.

Dear Aurelia. Everything is going to be ok. It's actually quite funny, looking back. The jokes write themselves, hm? Everyone hates each other, which results in heavily influencing each other, and they ultimately forget how to love themselves. Keep finding love in the littlest things – drawing, for example. No matter if anyone says it's bad looking – it's not gonna be for them anyways, they're talking to themselves :) In the future, you're going to have the amazing friends you always imagined having, don't worry. Just hang in there a little longer.