You can love more than once

Part 6

I had always known in my heart that Joseph and I had had a different relationship to the one Charles, and I had. But I told myself this was a silly girlish crush; Charles was the one I was to marry as per my parents' wishes. I reminded myself he was a handsome man, a kind and good man, I am sure many a young lady would want to swap places with me, he made girls blush without even talking and he enjoyed my company. But he was not Joseph, who made me laugh, played chess, and talked about literature that we both discussed at length, he was sensitive and not afraid to show his emotions. Charles was closed and rarely showed his emotions, Joseph's kiss was a loving kiss, Charles's were more a display of affection and doing what he thought should be his duty. My changing body had become confused, I missed my mother more than ever, I could never talk this over with Victoria, being my future Mother-in-law and having different feelings of love for both her sons. So, Maggie became my confidant, being of similar age and I trusted her with my secrets.

The night Joseph returned to school she was brushing and braiding my hair before bed.

"Joseph kissed me" I suddenly blurted out.

"My lady, how do you feel?" she seemed shocked.

"I am unsure, it was just a soft kiss on my lips" I gazed into the mirror. She giggled.

"Oh my!"

"But it can never happen again" I turned to face her, and she held my hands.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise" I believed her, the worry in my face must have shown.

Victoria and I had taken some of John's duties around the estate as he was spending more time in London with the war department, we had to make sure the farming tenants were paying attention to the farmland and taking care of stock. We also made sure the harvest was going to be fruitful for everyone on the land. Charles and I corresponded frequently, he spoke about a new friend called Harry, who was American and was the same age as himself. He had joined the war due to losing relatives on the Lusitania, America still hadn't officially joined the war, but a few had joined the army and came to Europe to fight, he spoke very little about the war and wrote little about life in the trenches, his letters were short, not like Joseph's letters that were long but unlike Charles his letters were less frequent.

Christmas arrived far too quickly, there was no New Year ball, and we spent the holidays just the four of us. Charles and Victoria retired not long after midnight, we had shared champagne, Joseph and I were finishing a game of chess, which he won.

"You only won as the champagne has gone slightly to my head" I yawned. "So, I am to retire to bed." He got up out of his chair and took my hand to escort me. But he pulled me into his arms and held me tight. We looked into each other's eyes. He started to bend his head down towards me.

"Joseph, we can't" I whispered, my hands placed on his chest and his were wrapped around my back.

"But we both want too" he continued to move his lips to mine. His lips very softly touched mine and I gave in, I was weak, lonely, I returned his kiss. My arms move to his neck, and we embraced and continued the kiss. The chime of one o'clock shocked us and I pulled away, my heart was thumping in my ears. The house was silent, and we stood there looking at each other, I felt tears forming and ran to my room, the guilt was heavy in my heart.

The next few days we avoided each other, Victoria had noticed our distance and as we were having tea on our own questioned me.

"Has Joseph upset you my dear? She asked.

"Erm no, we erm, we just find it difficult to say goodbye" I lied, lowering my eyes.

"I know my dear. It is difficult to say goodbye. Especially as Charles is away fighting in the trenches," she touched my hand, and my stomach turned. I nodded. The guilt was eating away at me.