Just As Planned

Mira: Companionship

Five months later

"I think I'm going to need to find my own place," Anna said as she and Mira waited for the subway.

It was late and the station was almost empty. "Yeah, taking the subway this late at night isn't fun."

"No, not because of that," Anna said, watching someone run through the station. "My aunt got divorced and she might be moving in with me and my mom, and I don't think I'll be able to deal with that. She said she'd sleep in the living room, but I can't see how that's going to work." She sighed. "I have to move out."

"But where are you going to live?" Mira said. "How are you even going to pay rent?"

"Connie said she'd help me find a place. She's a real estate agent. She understood when I freaked out. All my mother said was that I was being a brat and that when she came to Canada the entire family lived in a one-room basement apartment. And Connie said, 'So you want her to suffer because you did?'" Anna laughed. "Connie's a pain but sometimes she's OK."

"I don't blame you for wanting to move out," Mira said. She watched someone drop a chip on the floor. They picked it up and contemplated eating it. To Mira's relief, they threw it away. "I think I'm going to have to, too, if my sister's boyfriend keeps hanging around. He drives me nuts! He keeps popping by as I'm working and asking me random computer questions, then he gets all smug when I can't answer them. The other day he asked me what the processor was in a Thinkpad, and when I said I didn't know he said, 'Oh, I thought you were studying computers.'"

"He sounds like a dick."

"He is a dick! I don't understand why my sister's dating him."

"The heart wants what it wants."

"Emily Dickinson was just being nice to her friend when she said that. You know that what she really wanted to say was, 'you made a mistake marrying this guy.'"

Anna laughed. "You're so cynical."

"I'm not! I'm practical! You can't just marry the first person you fall in love with! You should marry someone you can depend on. Like your best friend. You should marry your best friend. Fuck whomever you want, but marry your best friend."

Mira realized the magnitude of what she had just said when she saw the way Anna was looking at her.

"I think you should probably want to fuck the person you marry," Anna said. "And if that's your best friend..." she shrugged.

Her voice had changed a bit. It was lower now. Mira's chest constricted. She wasn't over Anna at all. She still hoped that Anna would fall in love with her and they could be together. And when Anna looked at her this way, it was hard for her to believe it wasn't possible that that would happen.

But Mira didn't want to risk broaching the subject just in case it scared Anna away. She would rather have Anna as a friend than not have her at all.

"Ideally, I guess," Mira said, trying to sound casual. "But when is anything ever ideal? You might as well live with someone you like and have..." She knew she needed to pull back. "Someone you can depend on. Like your mom and her sister. That makes more sense."

Anna looked down at her shoes. "I guess," she said. She looked up at Mira and Mira thought she might ask her to move in with her.

Mira thought about all the implications around that. Would she be able to deal with it if Anna brought home dates? Would her feelings for Anna fade or get more intense? Would she end up falling into a deep depression because she couldn't have Anna? Would they end up fighting and splitting up? Would they end up getting together? 

Anna's alarm went off on her phone. She took it out and turned it off. "I should get down to the platform before the subway comes."

"Yeah," Mira said, relieved. "You should."