RED HOPES

Reverie

My head was on the verge of tearing apart as I held it in my hands, the other parts of my body ached too. A stiff grunt escaped my mouth. As I squeezed my eyes open trying to adjust to the bright lights piercing through my eyelids. A faint vomit smell followed my nostrils and a ramming question hammered my brain “What the hell happened?” I fell from the couch, as I tried to look around. I knew it was an hangover but how much was I drunk? Why did I even drink in the first place? The details of the night went missing from my head. I looked around. Intact undies, no condom wrappers around. I wasn’t fucked. Literally.

“Because you’re the only person who didn’t try to fuck me.”

“what if I do have intentions”

Conversation from the other night spilled into my head like a burning hot coffee waking my senses open. Those words warmed my cheeks up. “Shit!”

The fog around my brain cleared and a vision of last night’s events flashed like a naked truth infront of my eyes. I was with Kenna, after signing the contract with the channel, we decided to have some smattering amount of drinks, yet ‘just two shots’ became four, eight and twenty four the tempting liquor diluting any sense in us before all of it drifted like a white cloud in summers. The next series of events unmasked themselves baring me to the truth that I after escaping death, was again in the mouth of capital D. And the one who pulled me far away from the pit was unfortunately and improbably Alanis. I pinched the bridge of my nose as the coincidences kept coming like a series of some cliché daily soap.

I have tried various hangover remedies but none worked as fast as Alanis did. “He was in my apartment. Carried me to my home?! And all I did was vomit coat his car, act like a brat with no sensibility. What am I? 8?” I shook my head in disbelief, blabbering everything in one breath. The man was respectful enough, and I called him a jerk several times, I felt horrible, because I paid each piece of his kind deeds with the rudeness of my own. Every. Fucking . Time.

He made sure I was safe without taking any disadvantage of me yet I was an ass to him!! It was soo inappropriate to use lewd comments on him, mocking him for not fucking me. Damn Kenna, I’ll make sure to never drink again with her. It always throws me into embarrassing situations.

“No no no what should I do?” I pulled the waves of my hair, which worsened my headache more. I soo much wanted drown in a palm full of water out of embarrassment. The throbbing of my head didn’t help much but added more reminding me of Alanis.

But seriously it was his fault to jump into my matters, his fault to come to my rescue. It was not as if I invited him or something! He could’ve just left, remembering our past encounters we weren’t fond of each other nor was he my friend. I tried to ridiculously reason with my ill-behaviour, being full aware of who got the benefit of blame. Remembering every bits of the night also brought a vague memory, a certain smell of kiwis and wood rose mixed with my own scent of berries. We were close in that position, with our chests colliding, blush burned upon my face painting it red.

“This is soo wrong”  I pinched the bridge of my nose in helplessness.

I’ve had worst hangovers, but this one which came with ‘you fucked up’ was the worst!! I needed to apologise to him plus thank him for safely dropping me at home. And how was I supposed to do this? Yep. No idea. No progress soo far.

Considering our previous encounters, sharing numbers sounded intimate to me. “What to do a do a do a do… Maybe I should forget this and pretend this never happened. Yeah, he won’t even consider looking at me. Perfect idea” even a kid’s idea wouldn’t sound that derisory like mine did, it was just a tini tiny apology I denied to make sincerely, instead I kept  coming up with deformed excuses, some highly professional journalist I was.

After thirty minutes of pondering and a cup of hot coffee, my brain still wasn’t at ease. The pain subsided yet the lingering feeling didn’t leave. I replayed and replayed the earlier conversation which I was surprised I could remember like I had a record button on my forehead. “What if I do have intentions?” his threat rung in my ears, while his intentions rose inside his sea kissed eyes, the way those words held rock solid determination and power. It made my toes curl in the middle of the day, of my messy state.

His blue eyes trying to drown me in it’s abundance, and the worst part was I would love it! To drown into him and never find myself, to explore what lied beneath his sophisticated exterior, to- “Nooo Reverie!! Even though he helped you few times doesn’t mean you’ll fall for his looks!! Not in a million lives”  I laughed not sure what nonsense I was spouting.

I paced on the length of my Italian floor with the number of Alanis crushed in my palm. It was hard to get but thanks to Kenna who gave me his personal number. She did tease me to a headache though.

“Alright babe, all the best with your hot lawyer! Don’t get pregnant yet – I could hear her giggling across the phone’s screen. While I just wanted to shake her abruptly.

It’s just a thank you
I corrected in a monotonous text, ignoring the twenty ninth urge to roll my eyes.

It always starts with a thank you.
I held my phone close to my heart, my lips pressed against each other tightly.

“It’s just a call Rev.  You’ve held way worst conversation, You can pull this off.” I tried to remind myself of my unfazed version which hid somewhere behind embarrassment and ego forming a ring around my head. “Here I go..”

The line went ringing before a pacific voice seeped into my eardrum. “Hello?”

I instantly cut the call, with heartbeats drumming in my ears, heat scorching my cheeks red. I threw the phone to the side scared it would magically hit the call button. The phone started ringing again, my heart mimicking it’s rings as I walked toward the bed. He called back. I took a long breath and finally picked it up on the third ring.

“Hello.” My voice stuttered. It was unbelievable I was stuttering. “This is Alanis Carter right?” I tried to get hold of my nervousness. Dumb Reverie.