Contrary Hearts

Chapter 8: A Win Is a Win

                                                                        Ava:

"So... How does that make you feel?" My therapist clicks her pen, pushing the tip to the paper as she waits for my answer. The rain machine she has playing is enough to empty my thoughts, the dim lights of her office making me more tired than wanting to trauma dump.

I shrug, picking at the frills on the seam of the pillow I have tucked in my lap. "Excited?" I finally manage to say, glancing up from the floor to look at her as I shrug.

"Are you asking me, or telling me?" Claire pushes, tucking one of her legs underneath the other as she scribbles something down. "I mean, you've been telling me about this date for at least a month now... Why the sudden change?"

Milo's face flashes in my mind, the way he speaks, the way his laugh sounds like a perfect melody. I quickly suppress the thoughts, closing my eyes as I try to refocus. Milo is a conversation for another day- it would probably take several sessions to get through with that topic.

"I'm not sure..." I admit softly, shaking my head. "Lexi got into my head, I think. She looked... disappointed when I told her I was going there just to fuck him."

Claire raises an eyebrow, pursing her lips. "Do you think her feelings are valid?"

I look back down, now pulling at frayed edges of the pillow nervously. I swallow hard before answering, "Yeah... She just wants to look out for me. She told me it stems from my 'daddy issues.' I told her she's not my therapist so shut the fuck up." My fingers flick up as I do air quotes around 'daddy issues,' my face contorted in repulsion.

"Well, it's definitely a commitment thing..." Claire drawls, her pen tapping softly against the paper in a steady, absent rhythm, her gaze calmly fixed on me. "Which most definitely stems from your father walking out on you. So, while I wouldn't have worded it like she did... Lexi isn't entirely wrong."

My eyes roll unintentionally, and I clench my jaw. "I'm going to call her after this and tell her maybe she has a future in psychology."

Claire laughs softly, putting her pen down as she straightens up. "If you want to go on the date, go on the date. But maybe it doesn't have to be purely sexual. Maybe you can be there and enjoy Jake, is it?" I nod, my eyes fixated on her hand as she scribbles on her notepad once again. "Set the intention at the beginning of the date- nothing sexual."

"Here's the problem..." I try to find the words, my eyes darting around the small office. "Jake's really boring. Like, really boring. I don't know if I want to be with him if it isn't sexual... Does that make me a terrible person?"

"No," Claire promises. "But you can't go into that date and lead him on like that if you don't see yourself with him romantically. Did you tell him the date was purely sexual?"

My cheeks ting pink, and I look back down, the ground far more fascinating. "Uh... No. It's... I mean, it's at the football game tonight. So, I don't think he knows."

My therapist puts down the notepad and pen on the desk beside her, tapping a sip of her water before she speaks. "If you really, really want to break the cycle, you need to rethink some of your relationships- specifically the purely physical ones. I remember you told me about a few guys who haven't been too happy after."

Guilt settles in my chest, and the room gets hot as I force down my emotions. "Yeah," I choke out, rubbing my eyes before tears can spill from them. "More than a few, honestly... I just... I don't know if I want to be with Jake romantically."

"Then he needs to know that," Claire says softly, giving me a sad smile. She opens up her calendar, indicating the end of our session. "I would call him instead of Lexi when you get out of here."