A Court of Chaos and Coral (Amren x Varian)

Chapter 3: Amren

Tw: mentions of suicide

Song of the chapter:
Forever winter - taylor swift

Varian wasn't back by dinner. Amren had no idea if she should be worried, or angry. But she sat on the end on the bed, long after the sun had gone below the horizon, watching the door. It was almost midnight, and there had been no movement in the hall since everyone had walked past to go to their rooms, hours ago. She couldn't even hear any sobbing coming from Eris' room like she usually could, which probably meant even Azriel was asleep.

Exhaustion clawed at her eyes and body, and while she allowed herself to lean on the post of the bed, she held her eyes open. Even a moment with them shut would send her to sleep, where she would likely have another vision.

Half an hour later, the doorknob finally turned, and Amren leapt to her feet. Varian slipped in, not meeting her eye, and promptly collapsed onto the shelves beside the door.

"Varian! Where have you been!" Amren whispered sharply, hurrying over to help him over to the bed.

"I'm sorry love, I didn't think it would take so long!" His speech was slurred, and Amren immediately knew he had disregarded her one request.

"What did you do, you stupid male?" She snapped, fanning his face.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"No you aren't, you idiot, how dumb are you? I asked you one thing." She wrapped her arms around his waist despite herself. "I so did not need this today, Var."

"Why, what's wrong?" He turned, pulling her onto his lap. "Did something happen?"

"Everything is wrong, and I shouldn't tell you now, when you're like this."

"Like what? I told you, I'm fine."

"No you aren't, Varian!" She shouted, standing in front of him. "Do you know how worried about you I was? Do you know that every time you leave, I can't even breath? Do you know how much I rely on you?" Amren took a shaky breath. "You go and do something like this, and you say you're fine, and I don't know if you are saying it because you think it is true, or because you don't want me to worry, but you have to stop, because I am going to worry anyway!"

Varian paled. "I'm sorry, Amren I am, but you do get so anxious, surely you can see that I don't want to worry you more..." He trailed of at the look on her face.

Amren flopped to her knees in front of him.

"Do you know, that every night, every single night, I have the same dream? The one I told you about? Every night I have it, and every night, I am so scared that I might not be dreaming that I can't even breath?"

"Amren..." He whispered, falling down in front of her. "I am so, so sorry. But don't think think that I don't have the same kind of dreams, and never think that I don't become so mortified when I am away from you that I can't..." He clutched her face in his hands. "When you went into the cauldron, I was so scared that you would never come back that I was prepared to die. I wanted to die, just so I had the chance to see you again."

"Don't say that, sweetheart." Amren wiped his tears from his cheek, tipping his head up to meet his eyes. "Please, never say that again, Varian."

But he continued. "When I sleep, when I am away from you at night, I have this dream, that you never came back. And when I wake, and you aren't there..."

"No, Varian, stop. You can't just- stop." Amren heaved a sob, crawling onto his lap and snaking her arms around his neck. "Stop."

"I'm sorry, Amren." He murmured, a tear landing on her shoulder.

She shook her head. "No, no, I'm sorry, I never even thought of what it would have been like for you."

~

Amren laid with her head resting over Varians chest, where she could hear his steady heartbeat. His hands were wrapped around her waist, holding on tightly like she could disappear at any moment.

"There was something you needed to tell me earlier, you said it was serious." Varian whispered.

Amren sighed heavily. "It can wait, I think. I just need some advice on something."

Varian pressed a kiss to her forehead, mumbling a goodnight.

Amren had no dreams that night.