A Court of Chaos and Coral (Amren x Varian)

Chapter 9: Amren

Quick note: I uploaded this late bc I had the whole chapter written then when i was abt to copy paste it for my extra copy i hit ctrl x instead and it deleted every word! why is that even a thing? Anyway I cried abt it for a bit but then I pulled my head in and now here we are.

The song of the chapter is:
The Great Gig In The Sky - Pink Floyd

Varians unblinking gaze was not at all comforting. He hadn't spoken a word, still processing Amrens announcement. She could practically hear the cogs in his mid turning, deciding what to say.

"Okay..." He was paler than a ghost, staring at her like she was one.  

That was it?

"Is that really all you have to say?" She asked, taking a step back. "I thought you would be happy." A cold tear trickled down her cheek. "What the hell, Varian." She choked on the words.

Varian reached out a hand to wipe her tears. "I am happy." But he wasn't smiling. In fact, he looked positively miserable. Understandable, his sister and cousin had just died, but couldn't he have a little empathy?

"You have a funny way of showing it." Amren spun on her heel, pressing her lips together to suppress her sob until she was far into the forest.

Why would he react like that? Was he really happy, or was he just a bad liar? 

~

For fifteen thousand years, Amren had waited. Waited for someone who could handle whatever it was that she had been. Waited for someone who loved her even when she couldn't. Waited for someone to be her family, to have children with her, and live in a beautiful house, with a swing set in the back garden and an old maid who would cook for them. That was all she wanted. Now that she found someone she could have that with, he didn't want it. Maybe he didn't even want her.

A chill had overtaken Amrens small body, freezing the tears streaming down her face mid-fall. She felt no pain from the cuts branches left behind, too numb to register. She only stopped walking when nausea hit.

After vomiting onto the base of a tree, she collapsed, curling up into herself until she lay in fetal position, half in her own bile. Sticks and dry leaves poked into her back like needles, a constant reminder that she was on the floor of an unfamiliar forest.

~

At some point in the night, Amrens dreams changed from disturbing warnings to unfamiliar sweetness. She dreamt of being carried, of rain landing on her fevered skin. Of quiet whispers of apology. 

~

Amren's eyes snapped open in the dark, just for a fat raindrop to land on her eyelashes. A strong hand wiped it away. A voice muttered something, the same voice that had been relentlessly apologizing in her dreams. A voice she could recognize anywhere.

"Varian?" She croaked. He was carrying her though the torrential rain, though the freezing cold. "You found me."

Varian met her tired gaze. "I will always find you, my love."

She frowned. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Then don't." He kept a strong hold on her despite her rejection.

"Let me go." She snapped, to exhausted to fight against him.

"No. You are too tired. You threw up, and I will not let you go back to sleep on the ground. There is a cabin somewhere around here, and you may lock yourself in there."

Amren mustered a snarl. "Let me go now, Varian."

"Sorry, I just don't fancy leaving my pregnant mate in the middle of the forest at night."

"You didn't seem to care much that I'm pregnant before, I don't think you get to use that card."

"I absolutely do, Amren. I found you the moment I settled everyone in the palace. I know I reacted badly before, but surely you can understand why."

Amren drew away from his blinding blue eyes. "I thought it would cheer you up." She crossed her arms.

He smiled softly. "It did. It really, truly did, once I processed it."

"What the hell does that mean?" She snapped, attempting a kick at his elbow that he easily dodged. 

"It means that I had a lot on my mind. I felt guilty, to be so happy about something when my sister was dead on the ground a few meters away. So I didn't let myself feel happy until everyone was safe in their house or the palace, and until I moved there bodies."

"Oh." Amrens chest quickly hollowed out. She had been selfish, like always, to tell her mate that he would be a father before he could even process the death of his sister and cousin. "I'm sorry, Var. I... didn't even think of that. It just seemed like a rip the band-aid off kind of situation."

He shook his head. "You did the right thing. We can talk more once you are inside, in some different clothes."

~

The cabin was absolutely tiny, with only two rooms, a kitchen slash lounge room slash bedroom and a bathroom with a sink, toilet, and bath. 

"Would you like to have a bath before we talk? I think there are some clothes around here somewhere."

Amren decided that she would, in fact, like to wash her vomit off her body. So she bathed in below-freezing water, and changed into the clothes Varian left at the door.

The white pants and shirt where much too big for her, but she was grateful for a clean change of clothes all the same. Despite swimming in them, the shirt long enough that there was no need for pants, Amren thought it was the most comfortable she had ever been.

~

"Is this yours?" Amren asked the beautiful prince- the beautiful High Lord sprawled on a couch.

He smiled slightly. "It was Cressedia's. You are quite short, my love."

"Maybe she was just tall." She muttered, perching on the end of the couch. 

Varian met her eyes, assessing look one minute, soft the next. "Are you still mad at me?"

She shook her head. "I feel really awful, but no, I am not mad at you." 

He gave her an apologetic look. "Is there anything I can get you?" 

Amren shrugged. "I don't know. I've never done this before. I'm not having fun."

Varian sighed, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "I am very proud of you."

She blushed slightly, looking down at her twisting hands.

"Can I hold you?" He sounded so hopeful, so loving, that she crawled onto his lap without a moments hesitation.  

I feel like i should note that i wrote this on my period, and this is kinda my way of complaining.