Tale as old as Time

Five: Andrew uses antlers in all of his decorating

Meanwhile, back in the village, Andrew and Juniper sat at the tavern. Andrew was perched on a chair that was covered in deer skin, sulking. "Just who does that alchemist think he's messing with?" He asked. "No one says no to Andrew!" Juniper shrugged. "And yet, methinks Varian just did."

Andrew sighed, and let his head drop into his hands. "I can't believe he said no." He said. "Am I not the ultimate catch?" He asked. Juniper nodded. "Undoubtedly." She said. "And yet, here I am. Rejected. Humiliated. The disgrace of the town." Andrew said grumpily. Juniper shook her head. "What, of course not." She said. "You're no disgrace."

"Gosh it disturbs me to see you like this, looking so down in the dumps."

Andrew turned his chair around so he wouldn't have to face Juniper. "Everyone here would like to be you Andrew." She said with a grin, and brought out her flute again. "And it's not very hard to see why." Juniper signaled the people she'd hired to be the band, and they started to play, while she started to sing.

"There's no man in town quite as manly." Juniper said, and flexed her own not inconsiderable muscles. "You're everyone's favorite guy." One of the guys frowned. "I thought I was everyone's favorite Kai." He said. Juniper rolled her eyes. "No, not Kai." She told Kai. "Guy! Andrew's everyone's favorite guy!" Everyone in the bar nodded enthusiastically.

"No one's strong like Andrew." Juniper started, jumping around on the bar table, trying to get Andrew's attention. "Always wrong like Andrew." She continued, much to his annoyance. "No one's hair's as incredibly long as Andrew!"

Andrew finally allowed himself to smile when Juniper dropped off the table, and poked him in the cheeks, forcing his muscles into a grin. "You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley." She said. "And they tell you what team they would rather be on!"

"Come on, Andrew." Juniper said. "Don't let this get you down." She said. "Just because Varian doesn't like you, that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other fish in the sea." Andrew frowned, and grabbed Juniper by the front of her shirt. "No." He said. "Varian likes me just fine, he just can't admit it yet. Something must be wrong." Juniper wanted to point out that yes, something was wrong. Something was wrong with Andrew. But she valued her job as his second in command too much.

"I mean, what's not to love?" Andrew asked. "I have the most fabulous hair." He said, and took out his scrunchie, then shook his head around. "I've got the largest muscles in town." Andrew said, lifting Juniper onto his shoulders, then setting her down again. "And I use antlers in all of my decorating!"

Andrew gestured to the wall, full of stuffed dead animals. Juniper wanted to say that Varian, who had a pet raccoon, probably wouldn't appreciate that. But Andrew had never really been one for common sense.

"I can drink five dozen pints of ale in one go!" Andrew exclaimed, like this was some great accomplishment. Hah. The joke was on Andrew, because Juniper could drink that and then some. But Andrew didn't like it when people outshone him.

Before Juniper could say something else to pump up Andrew's now deflating courtesy of Varian ego, they heard a knock on the tavern door. Clem, Varian's sister, walked in, her eyes wide in a panic. She ran up to Andrew, and grabbed the front of his shirt. "Andrew, you have to listen." She said. "I'm not off my meds. Varian's in trouble. There's this witch in a castle in the forest, and she's holding him prisoner. Please, he needs your help!"

One of the other guys smirked. "A witch?" He asked. "Not like you?" Clem shook her head. "No, a wicked witch." She said. "She's really tall, and she has giant claws." Juniper snorted. "How big are her claws?" She asked. Clem made a gesture with her arms, stretching them out as far as they could go. "This big!" She exclaimed. Needless to say, the people at the bar laughed a bit, then sent her back out into the storm.

Juniper bit her lip. "You don't really think something happened to Varian, do you?" She asked. "I mean, he did seem kinda upset after the whole proposal debacle." Andrew shook his head. "No, that's just wacky Clementine." He said, then a small grin crossed over his face. "Wacky Clementine." He repeated. Juniper had a bad feeling about this.

"So bear with me, but I've been thinking." Andrew said, scratching his chin. Juniper frowned.

"That's dangerous."

Andrew nodded. "I know, but I've just had an idea." He leaned down to whisper in Juniper's ear, and her eyes widened at his plot. "Oh, that's truly diabolical."

Juniper followed Andrew out of the bar, singing softly to herself.

"No one persecutes harmless crackpots like Andrew..."