Love, me.

Hope

George 

"I feel like I am at home when we are together."

Gazing fondly at the figure cuddled up next to me, I replayed the events of the night before and thought about the sentence that, dare I say, filled me with hope. It had been one of the worst weeks in my life where I felt lost, empty, and very much alone. The only thing that kept me sane was the consistency my training which kept my focus and enabled me to have some semblance of control. It felt awkward when we saw each other at work yesterday, and I knew that I would not be able to maintain my composure if I had stayed for the ward rounds, so I volunteered to be cover the emergencies to get as far away as her as possible.

When she appeared at mine after work, I was exhausted, and tired from running away from the inevitable. As we sat on the couch, I tried not to allow memories of our intimacy seep into my mind as I listened to her explanation. I could see that she was equally as heartbroken as me, and I could see the love she had for me radiating through her eyes and touch. Having her body pressed against mine, and my arm around her as we drifted off to sleep was like a soothing balm for my broken heart. 

"What are you thinking about?" Rae murmured as she gazed at me sleepily, her face serene.

"You, and us." I whispered, not wanting this moment I had with her next to me to end. For the first time since we first started dating, we had not needed sexual intimacy to spell out how much we meant to each other.

Her arms snaked up to my neck as she pulled my head towards hers and kissed me tenderly as I felt my body respond to her touch. As I deepened the kiss, I felt her fingers moving down my back before she put her hands under my shirt and cupped my breasts, teasing my nipples. Feeling the pleasure that my body had been devoid of, I swung on top of her as I slid my hip between her thighs, connecting with her centre which brought out a soft moan which increased in volume as I rubbed against her. As she reached out for me, I gently swatted it away as I continued teasing her, wanting to give her all of me, and all of the love that she deserved. As I gazed at her, my heart was ready to explode with the sight before me- this beautiful creature alive with pleasure dominating her face. I felt my eyes tearing up as I tried to remember every freckle and contours of her face, storing it in my memory bank for the future. As she climaxed, I rolled off her with ease and lay facing her, afraid to break the moment of tranquility we had. Turning to look at me with a questioning look which I have come to learn that she needed answers for, I braced myself for the questions I was afraid I had no answers for.

"George...when's my turn to touch you, and to show you how much I love you?" Her sultry voice, low and urgent, ignited a heat in between my thighs as I try to ignore it. I could not bring myself to feel her giving me pleasure, afraid to let myself feel anything like that again. Not after last week, not after being apart from her and having destructive thoughts about her and Erik being intimate the entire time. I knew she said she did not share any intimacy with him, and I knew that her words yesterday filled me with a glimmer of hope that maybe we could work out.

"Not today, Rae... I can't." I whispered bleakly as I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the hurt and confusion flash across her face.

"George, I know you're still hurting and it's okay. Can we at least spend the day together getting you to trust me and be comfortable with me again?" Rae begged, as I felt my resolve crumbling. I nodded slowly, hoping that time will heal all wounds.

We spent the afternoon hand in hand as we explored the woods near my house as we caught up on the past week, talking about everything apart from Erik. As we settled on a grassy spot, she laid down and close her eyes as she pulled me down my her side, her hands in mine as if she was afraid I would walk away. I just wanted to stay like this with her forever, but I knew that our future would never amount to anything as long as she was still with Erik. I hated sharing anything, let alone my lover who was blissfully unaware about the turmoil in my heart; I wanted her to be mine.

"Be my girlfriend, George." Rae murmured, her eyes still shut. I shook my head, unable to believe what I heard escaping her lips.

"I can't Rae. Not when you're still with Erik." I looked away as she opened her eyes and an unreadable expression crossed her face.

"I am going home in two weeks time when you're away for your race. I will end it all with him so we can start afresh, I want to be with you George."

My heart clenched at the thought of her going home, going back to her Erik. 

"Give me a chance, give US a chance, please." Rae begged as she sat up beside me.

Gazing into her eyes, seeing the familiar emerald greens staring at me with hope and expectancy, my resolve finally crumbled. I liked her, I really did, but I was not sure if I could bring myself to love her fully, and to give her all of me.

"We could try I guess." I whispered as I shrugged noncommittally, pretending that it did not really matter.

The look on Rae's face when she heard my answer, was something I would never forget as she gazed at me with desire and love, drawing my head towards her when she kissed me tenderly. 

"I love you George, no matter what happens, and I will wait for you to open your heart to me once more. I will show you how to be loved, if you allow me to." 

Maybe there is hope after all, as I held her tightly worried I might lose her again.