The Courtship (GxG, WlW, Lesbian Love Story)

Chapter Seven

"I think I'm gonna take a few days off of school," I tell Elijah after the nth dirty look that I've received from some sports person or another, mostly football players and those from cheer.

He nods in understanding as we round the corner. Ever since stepping foot back on campus, I feel like everyone is looking at me. I know that most probably aren't, but now my dirty laundry is hanging there for everyone to see. 

Not all of the cheer squad members that i pass give me dirty looks. Instead, they give me pity looks. I don't know which is worse. 

I guess it's good to know that not everyone in my major circles hate me.

Then, there's Missy. After rounding the corner, she's there ready to shove me. And she does. 

"Look, it's the fag," Missy sneers from above me.

"Yo, what the fuck is your problem Melissa?" Elijah says angrily.

"I don't want her touching me. She probably wants to kiss me, and I don't want her queer all over me," she said with a curled lip.

I knew that Elijah was about to lose it, and as much as I would love for Missy to get what she deserves, I don't want Elijah getting in trouble. I wouldn't be able to handle this school without him if he got suspended. Hell, I wouldn't even last a week if he got suspended. 

"Let's just leave it, Ellie," I beg as i grab his arm.

"Yeah, Ellieee," Missy drags out in a condescending tone, "Leave with your fag friend."

I grimace at the F word but manage to drag Elijah away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you that in front of her."

"Babe," Elijah takes a slow breath, "I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm just ashamed of the people I share this world with. There is no reason she should be acting like that."

"She already got Kai," I say, picturing the party where this all started, "so I don't know why she can't just leave me the fuck alone."

"She needs to understand that even if she was gay, there is no way that you'd be into her," He laughs, seemingly cooling down. 

I laugh along with him. I mean, yeah, she is pretty. But I could never be into such a bitch.  

-
"Are you sure that you want to skip a few days or school, Jen?" Elijah asks with concern.

I nod my head as he sighs. "I understand, but they may feel like they've won," he says with what I hope is not pity on his face. I would hate for him to pity me.

"It kind of feels like they have, Ellie. At least, I know I'm not the one winning," I look down. I haven't fully confessed to him my doubts about myself, but I can't imagine feeling the way I do is what winning feels like.

"Alright, honey. Take it easy. I'll come check up on you between classes," he stands up from the bed, ruffles my hair, and walks out.

Left alone to my thoughts, I ponder what he said about 'them' winning. Melissa, Kai... Everyone else who is changing their opinion because of what happened.

Maybe I won't let them win. I nod to myself in determination. I can't let them bring me down. Otherwise, they will keep on trying to do it.

Maybe I can't do it, though. What if it just gets worse the more I try to fight back. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know how to navigate this situation. I don't even know if I can talk to Ellie about it. He's always been out and proud about it as long as I have known him.

Well, for as long as he's been out, he has been proud of it.

I wonder if he ever went through these terrible emotions. I can't imagine Elijah not accepting himself. I mean, he is just such an amazing person, kind, sweet, funny. He has always just been who he is.

Would he think I am weak for feeling this way?

I feel pretty weak and pathetic.

I just don't know what to do. I groan in frustration and punch my bed.

Sighing, I fall back into my bed. I begin to let my mind wander. How long had I been with Kai? Why was I even with him in the first place? Why did I stay?

I try to think about the answers. I remember that I used to like him. He used to be sweet and funny and exactly the kind of guy I thought that I would end up with. Plus, he used to appreciate the fact that I'm a cheerleader. Our practices would line up, and we would see each other doing what we love.

We went to high school together. We got together junior year, so it's been a couple years together. It was nice until probably the middle of senior year. That's when he started hitting me. It started small. He would get drunk at parties, talk with other girls, and when I would get mad.... Well, that was when it started. It got worse the more he talked around. It got even worse when he would lose games or have a fight with his parents. I got pretty good at covering bruises.

Why did I stay, though?

I stayed because he threatened me. He threatened my brother, Ronan, who adored him. I was terrified at first. Then, i just learned to accept who he was and what my place was in his life.

He slowed down on it once we got to college. I guess maybe because he could more easily talk with other girls. he didn't have to worry about whether or not I would put out enough. In fact, it almost seemed like he forgot about me until he needed a trophy. Head cheerleader makes for a shiny reward, I suppose.

I think more on it. The progression of our relationship and how we got to where we are now. I think about Kamryn. I started getting upset when he would hang out with her. She was a new shiny toy he could play with who had title of team captain of the basketball team.

At first, I thought that I was just jealous. Looking back, I guess I knew the real reason I was getting upset. Instea dof wanting to be her...

I didn't finish the thought. There's no way that I want to be with Kamryn. Hell, even if I did, I doubt that she would want to be with me.

I mean, she's gorgeous. She could have anybody. I don't even think that she's gay. And even if she was, why would se choose me of all people?

I wonder how she is?

I scoop up my phone. I mean, it can't hurt anything to check how she is, right?

I go to instagram. I type in her name. Cameron Bowregard. My search doesn't pull up anything. I mean, we're not friends or anything, so maybe I just spelled it wrong.

I go to google mic and say "How do you spell Beauregard".

That's such a weird way to spell it, I think when it pops up.

Going back to Instagram, I type Cameron Beauregard. Nothing. Maybe it needs to be more girly. I try Camryn. Zilch. Camrin. Nada. Finally, I put Kamryn Beauregard, and her beautiful face pops onto my phone screen. 

She has a lot of vowels in her name, I laugh to myself. I feel my cheeks warm up as I look at her. She really is pretty. She has quite a few pictures of her in her uniform, her team, and candid shots from games. She also has a couple where she's dressed up.

I feel my heart stop in awe. Holy shit.

I close my phone and slam it on the bed.

What. Am. I. Doing?

I shouldn't just be stalking her like this. What is wrong with me? I feel the shame and disgust creep into me. Not only am I gay, now I'm a stalker?

I have too much time on my hands. Maybe it is better that I go to school. I can just ignore all of the dirty looks. I won't have the free time to think about all of this, plus I won't fall behind. Win-win.

And maybe, I will get to see Kamryn in the few classes that we have together.

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