Hearts entwined, forbidden love ( Book 5 of Floyrince)

20

I took a deep breath, knowing Brent’s question wasn’t meant to judge, but it still hit me. How could I explain it? It felt like such a mess in my head, and trying to make sense of it to someone else was always tricky.

Okay, so here's the thing, I started, running a hand through my hair.

When I first realized I was pansexual, it made sense because I didn’t care about gender. I’ve always been able to be attracted to anyone—guys, girls, non-binary people, trans people. I would watch these TV shows, and I’d fall in love with characters, no matter who they were, because it wasn’t about their gender, it was about who they were as people. That’s what I connected with.

I paused, trying to figure out how to explain the next part.

But the thing is, back then, I didn’t really understand the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. Like, I knew I had feelings for people, but I wasn’t out there, you know, wanting to sleep with everyone I had feelings for. It was more emotional than physical for me.

Brent looked at me, still listening, so I continued.

And then I thought I was asexual for a while because, well, I wasn’t really interested in sex. It didn’t seem to click for me the way it did for other people, and I thought maybe I just wasn’t into it. I could have romantic feelings, sure, but I didn’t feel sexual desire unless I had a really deep emotional connection with someone.

I sighed, feeling like I was just rambling now.

But then, when I was with that guy—the one I had real feelings for—it was different. Suddenly, I did feel sexual attraction, but only because of the connection we had. That’s when I realized I wasn’t asexual, I was demi. I need that emotional bond first before the sexual attraction comes in. But the thing is, being demisexual doesn’t change the fact that I’m pan. I’m still capable of being attracted to anyone, regardless of gender. It’s just that I need that deep emotional connection first before the sexual attraction happens.

I glanced at Brent, hoping I wasn’t confusing him.

So, yeah, I’ve been demi this whole time, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t pan. I can still be romantically and emotionally attracted to people of any gender, but the sexual attraction only comes after I’ve formed a bond with someone. It’s like, pansexuality is who I’m attracted to, and demisexuality is how I experience sexual attraction.

I shrugged, feeling a little awkward.

I know it’s kinda complicated, but that’s the best way I can explain it.

I understand that actually but I call bullshit on you, Brent said.

I'm serious I said.

I know but, you wouldn't know what you are , who helped you understand those terms Brent asked.

Okay dad helped me understand what I am, fuck you Brent I said.

Tell that to the guy who broke your heart two months ago, the one who made you drunk, fucked you and tossed you to the side Brent said smiling. I gave him a middle finger.

It was the only response I could give. Well now Luka knew I had feelings for him, fuck he was going to call me disgusting.

I feel sorry for you, you were a crying mess, talking about how he took your virginity and all that Chad said, smiling I hated my friends. I was embarrassed.

You forgot the part where they were doing it in his old dorm room, and he thought it was all a dream Ennie said. They all laughed. Kill me now, why didn't the ground just open up and swallow me, so I could disappear from this realm forever.

He had even marked, him, Brent said.

Fuck all of you I said, as I pushed them out of my room, they laughed leaving. I closed the door and looked down. I felt Luka's gaze on me.

Levi, Luka said softly. I sucked in a breath. I turned to open the door and run as far away from him as possible. Only for it to be slammed again.  I felt his gaze on my neck, I haven't heard him move from his bed. His hand went downwards and he locked the door.

Is it true, he asked, I couldn't pinpoint his tone but he didn't sound mad or disgusted so far.

I kept quiet and just faced the door, he could talk to my back.

Did I take your virginity? Did I take your first kiss? Did I break your heart? Were you really asexual until that night? Do you have feelings for me? Waas I the one who broke your heart and made you drunk so much? If so how did I break your heart, that led to you getting drunk, tell me he said. I felt his breath and perfume envelope me.

My dick twitched and I cursed. It had remained dead my whole life till a night ago and it remained dead again for two months and now it's waking up on its own without kisses or touches. His presence was the cause of this.

Why are we talking about this, you were the one who said to never mention it, nobody knows it was you, you don't have to worry, let sleeping dogs lie I said.

Answer me he said in a controlling voice. It had authority over me and he knew it.

Yes you took my virginity, yes you took my first kiss. Did you break my heart, yes twice but it's all on me. I thought I was asexual until that night, nobody in both families knows except the ones I live with. Do I have feelings for you, no not anymore. Yes I drank, it's because I saw you kissing your girlfriend on the balcony, I realized I had feelings for you and ran downstairs to drown in my misery, then shit happened, there you know the truth, happy I asked. He was silent.

It doesn't matter does it, shit happens, you were drunk, I was drunk. It was a drunken mistake, one we would laugh about one day.

Levi... He said moving away from me. I felt him sit on his bed. I laughed sadly.

You know that morning when I came to you, I was going to confess my feelings, I thought if it made you feel disgusted I'll make sure I stay away from you forever. I didn't want to live with the emotions and regret not ever telling you, but you didn't give me a chance to talk, you even left me to sleep with your girlfriend and she stayed the night there, I knew you hated me and I meant nothing to you but it still hurt. I know you are going to say I'm disgusting and I need help and you will be right, I hated myself for lusting over my own cousin, I said.

I was crying. I wiped my tears.

You don't have to worry I'll stay clear of you I said unlocking the door. I got out and ran outside, I kept running, I felt like my lungs would collapse. I found myself in front of my RA's office.

I wiped my tears and controlled my breathing. Then I knocked.