𝐄𝐗𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄 , 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐠𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐞𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐯𝐢𝐢. 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟

victoria hart

it was suffocating. fingernails digging deep into my neck grasping onto my skin as the cells within my body decay between desperate hands. my chest, my heart barely pumping with blood as it remained on stained palms, drying between thumbprints. the red flaking into a light brown as the traces of my being start to isolate into only a fragment of vague memories.

my brain hurt, grappling to every little thing for dear life. i couldn't escape myself. i couldn't escape the constant sound of my own voice as it became the only thing that beckoned in my ears.

my vision slimmed down to only simple shapes as they casted over blurry. everything ahead of me looked as if it was deformed and bent into a disoriented mess. the blood rushed to my head quicker, squeezing its way into my limb body. draining whatever energy i had left in me.

"vic, vic! are you ok?" i couldn't see who it was. i could barely hear.

if i was mentally aware i would lie and say that i was fine. i would deny and say that the pressure and stress never gets to me. that i don't overthink every possible situation. but as i rot in my thoughts the only thing i can think about is how truely human i am. and that it is a normal thing but for some reason i hate that.

i hate that i feel the pressure and i admit myself to the stress. letting it incapsulate me, consume me whole. i hate that i let my thoughts control the tiniest things i do. i let them overtake my bones, my veins, my blood and brain. forming me into whatever person they see fit.

how is it that i am meant to be in control of what i do yet everything i do feels like another persons ideas.

if i could have it my way i would be anybody else but myself.

it sounds selfish given the life i've been gifted. but i am far too weak to carry on. i am on the brink of losing it. every day is only lived through not lived out as it should be. i am myself's biggest hater, it seems like nothing i can do will ever satisfy me.

i could have millions of people tell me i'm good. but good isn't great. it isn't the best.

besides the only times i have ever been told i was the best when it was comparing paige and i.

'the two best players in college womens basketball'

you can't have two best players. there will always be one that is better than the other. even if you have to compare the smallest details of out rule factors the other lacks in.

to be the best you have to be perfection. you have to be great and everything you do.

it was taunting to always be compared to paige. she was always right beside me to mock me. even if we were miles away i could always feel her. a weight on my shoulders that never truely left. always pressing down harder never letting her grip loosen.

she was what always came right after. she was what was always there in every award, in every headline, in every article.

our names are tastes on our tongues that we can never get rid of.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

"she's awake now." aaliyah stood over me. a small smile on her glossed lips as she patted my arm gently. wary with her hands as they barely skimmed my skin. i groaned slightly as i rose from the bed. i didn't know where i was but as long as it wasn't a hospital i was fine.

"how are you feeling?" caroline stepped forwards, her forehead wrinkled as she crinkled her eyes in concern. her arms folded over her chest as she leant a little forwards, analysing my face as if she was trying to detect my pain. which there wasn't any.

"i'm fine, i think i was just really tired. i didn't get a lot of sleep last night." i excused but by the looks on their faces i already know they knew i was lying.

"here, i got you some water." ice handed me the small plastic cup. the team waited patiently for me to take a sip before they could let out the breath they've all been holding in. i try to press a grin, i try to convince them that i'm fine.

i don't like feeling the pity. the empathy in the room as everyone looked at me as if i was some. broken artefact. although i am more than thankful that they all cared, it was nice to know they do. but i couldn't bare anymore watchful eyes.

"do you remember what happened?" aaliyah was treading over her words, as if she was picking out the right things to say.

" i just remember i was at the gym and then i started to feel dizzy. now i'm here." i shrug trying to maintain eye contact with my fingers as i pick at my cuticles. focusing on the picked skin instead of admitting to my moment of weakness.

"does this happen often?" nika spoke up, she balanced between her toes and heel. rocking back and fourth as she tugged at the sides of her jersey.

"uhm no this is the first time this has happened." another lie. but it brought comfort to the team, i could tell by the way the muscles in their faces relaxed at the sound of the words.

"okay you should rest up, we'll let isa know that you are here. she's just in the cheer practice." caroline nodded towards the other girls, who said their comforting words before following behind.

i watched as them team walked out. the glass doors shutting behind them abruptly.

i don't know why i expected her to be here. i don't know why i would even want her here in the first place.

but a small part of me hoped she would be, even if i did hate her and she hates me.

indigo;

short chapter my apologies x