Her Name Was Meloni

am i?

I sat there awhile, contemplating how to respond, when the waitress finally came back with our food. I wasn't gonna eat but I could feel Tate and Tyler glaring at me from both sides, so I nibble at the plate in front me.

Everyone tried their best to make small talk but the awkward silence did not let up. As everyone attempted to talk through the uncomfortable silence, I was going through my thoughts and how I felt about my mom's apology.

She seemed sincere but she seemed sincere plenty of times and still left. And yes at the time she was high but maybe it will be different now that she is sober?

But what if she relapses and go backs to her old ways? Or worse, what if she stays sober and still leaves? Then she or I can't blame the drugs.

For fuck sake Meloni! Just ask her what's on your mind!

I mentally kick my self and took a breathe and looked at my mother from across from me. She was in the middle of snacking on some fries she ended up ordering. Her and dad were exchanging a very tense but cordial conversation.

Now or never.

"Can I ask you something?" I said aloud. Her eyes shot to mine and everyone froze for a moment. The only thing that you could hear were other the people in restaurant eating and talking, oblivious to this strange group of people. Must be nice. She met my eyes and gave me a soft but hesitant smile.

"Of course." She said.

Here it goes.

"Why did you leave? Was it because you weren't ready for kids, or was it because I was defective? Or a combination of both?" I asked. I could actually see everyone tense at the question. And my mother was clearly caught off guard. I could see her eyes subtly shifting, and her hands fidgeting a bit.

"I want honesty. That is the only way I will consider any type of relationship with you. If you lie i will know." I said sternly, my eyes didn't leave her.

I could see her visibly sag. Without braking contact she said, "It's a combination of born. I've always known that I would never be the greatest mom, even though I've always wanted to be one. My addiction was too strong. I wouldn't be good parent to a regular child but one with medical problems, I just knew I would fail. And i wasn't giving up my drugs anytime soon so I just thought it was best to leave."

I tired my head in confusion. "Then why did you come back? And I mean besides for money."

She shrugged. "I wanted to see you and your father. Even junkies miss there families from time to time. I always felt bad when I left tho. I didn't like letting you see me like that, I absolutely hated it."

And yet she would still come.

"And yet you would still come causing as much havoc and pain as you could before you disappeared again." Tyler whispered under his breath. His hand moved to my pulse and his eyes sharpened on me.

"You need to slow your breathing." He said to me as he began to go through the little bag he brought with him. I hadn't even realized my breathing irregular. Tates hand moved to behind my neck and he began to move slow circles against my skin. The contact helped a little.

I had thougt Tyler was gonna bring out some fancy doctor equipment but hilariously he just pulled out a paper bag. My eye went to his. He shrugged his shoulders. "It just in case. I'd rather have it in reaching distance just in case you go into another panic attack. Your heart can't take too much stress. The bag will help you regulate your breathing and relax you a little better. But for bow you are good."

I nodded and focus d back on my mom. She had a worried look on her face but ignored it. "He's right you know?" I said.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Why did you come back, only to cause us more pain? To cause dad more pain?" I said.

"Because I was selfish and stupid and I never really thought about anyone's feelings but my own. I never intentionally meant to hurt you or your father." She said, but as she said it in the corner of my eye I saw my dad scuff and roll his eyes.

"Ok fine. I intentionally meant to hurt your father, but never you." She said with an embarrassed look.

I'm not completely sure if I believe her. I know she is sincere. I know that even she believe her words. But I don't think I can give her the relationship she wants right now. She want to be in my life as much as possible but I don't think I'm ready for that.

.......am I?