anemoia: A Love That Was Never Mine

[21]

March 24, 2025

Johann,

I'm going to see you again. I have a lot of things to give. I just packed them all in a gift box. I prepared them all for the past months.

Siguro iniisip mo na wala akong pinagkakaabalahan, na pinapabayaan ko na ang sarili ko at ang pag-aaral ko. After New Year's Eve that I couldn't greet you personally, I was devastated. I returned to having anxiety attacks, and I couldn't eat or sleep. Absent ako nang ilang araw. But thankfully, Ate Giselle kept an eye on me so I didn't completely lose my mind. I know, sobrang pabigat ko na sa kaniya. She just thinks that you broke up with me and I'm suffering from a heartbreak. But she scolded me that she's going to send me back to province if I don't get back to normal. And I can't do that, mas lalo akong mapapalayo sa'yo.

So I just tried to make it 'til the end of the day, until the morning comes and I have to repeat. I coped with writing the letters, reminiscing the memories that we shared. I'm still disoriented, but I just kept my eyes in one direction— you.

I create scenarios in my mind, thinking how fate would bring us closer, bring us back together.All the possibilities, the conversation we would have. I listen to your songs and covers almost 24/7, just to feel like your voice is still here with me. I also did that with your photocards and posters. Every week, I buy another one just so I still see your face every day, every morning. I even have a polaroid photo of you at the back of my phone, everywhere I go. I giggle to myself when I take a picture of your photo in places I eat. I watch your lives and save your uploaded photos on Instagram. I always look forward to the dates that I marked on my calendar, days when I could see you in person. I guess I could say that being your number one fan pacified me and kept me sane.

I sometimes think that you're still my boyfriend, but in a long-distance relationship. I mean, this could've happened in our timeline if you couldn't go back from the States. And I prepared every gift to give you.

First and most important, my letters. Ten letters that summarized our love story. I hoped that you just needed a reminder to remember everything. I rewrote most of it until the handwriting is neat. Tinanggal ang ilang paulit-ulit na "I miss you", ang ilang paragraph na "drama" lang at kung anong ginawa ko noong linggo na 'yon. I tried to focus it on our story so that it is easier and quicker for you to read.

Another important gift is a CD. I've worked on that for weeks. I recorded song covers while playing my ukelele. The first song is Best Part, the one that you heard me sing for the first time. And, you guess it right, next is the song we worked on together for a paired evaluation. The following tracks are the songs we have always listened to together since our trainee days. The last one is our original song, 2:01. In every recording, I prayed that when you listen to my voice, it would connect you to me again. That it would make your heart beat for me the way it used to, that it would bring our feelings in the same tune again.

Moving on to the last part of my gift, I also drew sketches of you and some of us together. I drew you from mind; images of you wearing your headphones, playing your guitar, your back when you walk ahead of me, you sleeping peacefully, and us sitting beside each other on a train. Ah, I also drew your hands as I have memorized every callus and vein on it.

I hope you don't think it's too much. I made of all of it out of love and yearning for you. I am going to give these to you on the 30th. Pupunta ako sa birthday cafè mo na in-organize ng fanbase, and you confirmed that you would drop by. Your birthday is today, tho. Sa weekend nga lang ang available schedule ng fans to celebrate your special day. But...

Nagtatakha lang ako bakit ang nakalagay online at sa website ng group and fanpages ay sa March 27 pa ang birthday mo. It's just weird. We've celebrated your birthday a lot of times already and it's on the 24th. That was even your pin in your condo back then. 0324. Imposible naman siguro na sa mundong 'to, ibang araw ka rin pinanganak? Maybe it's just misinformation or confusion on the dates. Or if the company gave you a fake birthday, what was the reason? I'm guessing it's so you can go to the States on the 24th and spend some days with your family. But yeah, I don't really know.

I'm just sure that it is today. I even bought a bento cake, the same thing that you bought me on my 18th. I'm going to light up a candle before midnight just so it feels like the way it was before, the two of us celebrating birthdays before it ends.

I wonder what you're up to right now. I wish you had a memorable, special day. I wish MSK didn't overwork you today, and you had rest. I wish you had received love and greetings. I wish you a happy, happy, happy birthday and more years to come.

Long live, my dear.

Seb.