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It's early morning, I'm sitting halfway up in my bed, and I have a pillow bent lengthwise behind my back. Above my head is a white mosquito net spread out around the corners of the bed, and ahead of me is the door to the small tambo I slept in last night. I'm writing in the fresh daylight, and the protection my little fort provides me feels secure.
A lot of things became clear last night about the reason I'm here, and it began to make more sense why the situation with the blossoming romance between Joshua and Paris was bothering me so much.
What I'm beginning to find with Ayahuasca is that when you bring an intention into the ceremony you are usually faced with some sort of paradox which contradicts, but ultimately helps, you as you sort through what you're shown and find the truth behind your intention.
The last two ceremonies I brought the same intention with me, written on a page in my journal. It was beside me in the ceremony on top of the Thai prayer flag:
Show me love
Yesterday I was shown love. It was my interpretation which made it seem awful, but I had been shown love all day whether I chose to see it or not. As I watched the two lovebirds, and how smitten they were with each other, I got angry, but hadn't that been what I had asked for?
I had to face this first stage of love, because even though many parts are unrealistic and distorted, it is this first stage we must all navigate at the beginning of any love. It wasn't love's fault that I didn't like what I saw. The paradox was that I needed to see this part so I could be reminded of my mistakes. By seeing this, it forced me to remember what I loved about the idea of love. I'm still processing this.
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Last night, as I said, I became acquainted with the Bruha energy. By that I mean I interpreted the moral decisions I had to make as choices which had a dark side to them. It's something I've never experienced when Otillia was there. With her everything seemed so light and easy.
Last night though, I was given the tempting choice to gain unlimited power by taking it away from another. For the brief second, just after I kicked Joshua's energy out of the Tambo, I was overcome with intense ecstasy. I had a full beaming smile, the kind where your cheeks hurt, and I felt invincible. There might as well have been a warm, soft afternoon sun shining on my body I felt so glorious. It was like having a continuous orgasm, yet at the same time I was comfortable and totally relaxed, happy. As close to a state of nirvana as I've ever been.
The action of my leg kicking out, and knocking Joshua to the ground, happened automatically. It was not a conscious decision, I suddenly just kicked him out of the tambo. What I did next was my choice though. I jumped down after him and picked him up. I brought him back to where I was sitting and cradled him, and then placed him back within himself. By doing this I returned to him the energy I had stolen.
