Five Weeks in the Amazon - #true #story

Chapter 22 - Amor Fati

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20

9:04am, Alfert's Hostel

I'm sitting in my bed in Alfert's Hostel and watching an ant highway that must be in the middle of rush hour. It's on the wall a few feet from my bed coming out of a crack in the floor. The ants are moving single file in a line towards the window and a steady lane of traffic next to them was coming down from the window.

The ants are quite small, going up and down in a steady stream, and after a moment I notice the weirdest thing. Whenever they pass an ant going the opposite way, they bump their heads together, then quickly continue in the direction they were going until they bump heads with the next ant they pass.

At first I thought they were just coming and going. It wasn't until I took a closer inspection that I saw they're actually following each other. Single file, and the way they bump into one another perhaps they are communicating to each other.

Alfert's Hostel is at the end of the promenade closest to the Belen market. Resting on top of a scrubby hill, it looks over the shanty village of Belen. I like it here. A private room costs as much as a bunk-bed in a dorm costs at the Green Track. It might be a tiny bit run-down, but there is something about closing the door to your own room that's liberating. All is ok within the security of my private room.

I can hear the rain hitting the aluminum panels of the roof and I can see the water pouring off of them about a foot above my open window. The rain is coming down in a steady stream and behind it, the sky is gray.

I've been laying in my bed, part of the time watching ants, the rest of the writing in my journal. I have deep-house music cranked up from my speakers. I love being loud; there's something about loud music which always puts me in a good mood.

This is the email I sent to some of my friends and family to fill them in on my experience:

Greetings friends,

Last night, after my fifth Ayahuasca ceremony and lots of proper dieting and other plant medicines, I had a breakthrough of gigantic proportions. The ceremonies prepared me for what was to come, and now I truly understand myself for the first time in a powerful and helpful way.

Coming here is a must do experience. MUST DO!

I will happily take you guys any time you'd like. I can show you where to go and what needs to be done so that you may also (if you'd like to) have a chance to understand yourself/heal yourself/empower yourself/find new ideas/understand the natural world and the animal world and our world and how they are connected/understand your place in the universe/release fears/cure pain...etc., etc.

The plant medicines of the jungle are truly teachers. They are a natural way to bring us closer to our natural way. There was a lot of shit my body needed to heal that I didn't even know about, stuff from old injuries and such. The medicines worked on my body first, and now it's brought me here.

As humans we don't understand shit. I don't know how the plant medicines work; it may have something to do with the dream state and the subconscious and conscious interaction, but that's a topic you'll have to ask me about in person cause it would take a lot more words to explain here.

But the main point is you find yourself. You don't become something better than you've ever been. There is no grandeur or illusory self, what you find is your real self. The self that makes the right decisions, the self that wants to be healthy, the self that knows how to get to its personal goals in a more direct way. What you lose is your "shadow" self. The self that's created in your mind but isn't real, the self that stays up all night partying when they have to work the next day, the self that stops for fast food when they are 45 minutes from home, the self that isn't really "you" yet still is, because if anyone should know about having a devil on their shoulders and trying hard to make the right choices, it's me. But I'm pretty sure it's the same for all of us; we all are faced with personal challenges. This has been a chance to transform the way the body and mind work together.

Anyway, this is just a sliver of all of the stuff I would love to share with YOU!

Name the time and place and let's go to the Amazon!

Be back soon, mucho amores amigos!

Sean Hayes

Iquitos, Peru

***

Today will be the day I say goodbye for good to Mary-Jane. I still haven't smoked a joint since yesterday, but I have some left with me and I feel like now is the time to say a proper adios to my green friend for good. My mind is resolute—I will smoke this one joint, and when I leave the hostel I'll begin a new chapter and begin my trek back to Otillia's.

Since it's Tuesday, there will be a ceremony at Donna Otillia's. It's impressive how much of herself she gives twice a week to these ceremonies. Every Tuesday and Friday, people come from far away to see her.

On my way to the taxi depot, I'm going to stop and call Kelsey at the Karma Cafe. Joshua and Paris are going to meet me out there and they said they've got a couple of friends who might also be coming, but I want to hear her voice. I'm almost nervous; even though I talked to her a couple days ago, she still makes me feel excited in the way a good girl should make you feel.

We have been seeing each other for months, but I was in denial and scared to open up to her when it first started. I was protecting myself, not allowing myself to feel anything other than the flash fire of my lust.

It was a real mess when I took her out to dinner a few months ago and tried to explain that I didn't want her to like me. What I meant was that I didn't think it would be the best idea for her to get emotionally wrapped up with me. I had meant it in a good way, but what she had heard was I didn't want to like her. Needless to say, at that point the date got a little awkward.

It's different now that I've begun to sort out my position on love and affection. I am becoming clearer on my feelings, in a way that I haven't felt since I was much younger. Love is special, sharing yourself with someone is good, and having someone that wants to reciprocate that is hard to find. Whatever I'd been thinking since I got divorced was wrong. Now I realize that I need to be a better lover, and if I heal my heart, I can move forward.

Last week these romantic, affectionate feelings started to become more apparent. Today I feel like it's important to officially ask her to be my girlfriend. I am ready to have a partner that I respect and I'm respected by. I want to build a relationship with her based on truth and promise, and I want us to both commit to each other. I'm excited to call her and I hope she wants to be with me in the same way.

I also want to tell her that I got the tattoo I told her about two days ago. Next to the stands filled with different artisans, at the opposite end of the promenade from the Belen market, is a man with a tattoo stall. On my right calf, I got script of one of Nietzsche's quote's, immortalizing my feelings. It says Amor Fati which translates from Latin to "love of one's fate." I'll forever love what I'm destined for.

Maybe I can video chat with her and show it to her, that is if the Wi-Fi is fast enough for video. The entire city relies on one satellite for Wi-Fi, and sometimes when it's raining it doesn't work.

I feel encouraged by the path I have chosen to walk in life. I don't have to run from my fate, nor will I ever. I was correct in my gut feeling that I am a good person. I have a lot to offer the world and I'm free to chase after the life I want, hunting for it in the farthest corners of earth. My true strength will always be inside of me. With practice, I'll be able to access it anytime I need.

In the future I will publish books, I will coach champions, I will support my friends, I will be fit and healthy, I will set a good example for others, I will be an honest leader, and I will make my family proud. This is the life I want to live.