Cocktails & Emotions ~ [DR3]

34. DNF

And what if I forgot to tell you this is the last chapter?

"You're the real thing, breath of fresh air through smoke rings, take the glory, give everything."
- Clara Bow, Taylor Swift
(Thanks to f1vethirty who sent me the Daniel edit to this song and had me in the depths of hell this morning x)

"Hate that I let this drag on so long, you can go to hell."
-Casual, Chappell Roan

"There's a seat for me." The words slip out of Daniel so fast that I almost don't catch them. A seat. "They want me back in F1."

I'm pathetic. No words hit me in response, the stab of abandonment still sitting so fresh that I just open and close my mouth awkwardly, at a loss. My chest constricts as I clutch at the fabric of the seat below me trying to understand.

"I didn't know that was even something you wanted." What a stupid thing to say; of course it's something he wanted. Daniel was devastated when hr lost his seat at McLaren, he talked about being trapped and stuck in Perth and having his dream ripped away from him. Of course he wants this, he'd be stupid not to.

"That was the goal with the Red Bull test." His words aren't patronising, they're just plain. Honest.

"You never told me that." Maybe he shouldn't have had to. Maybe I should have known, I should have put all of the clues together. Daniel was training for the test, in the weeks leading up to it he pushed himself further running each day and lifting weights that were that little bit heavier than before. He was stricter in what he was eating and drinking, I picked up on it especially in Monaco. I should have realised the implications of that, should have worked it all out. "Why now?"

"Because there's a seat, that new kid isn't cutting it." I knew that. Daniel and I watched the races together, DeVries was hardly the star talent that he had promised Red Bull he would be for their junior team, but to get rid of him that easily? Isn't that how Daniel ended up 'trapped' here in the first place? Down and out after a team ditched him when he wasn't meeting their immediate expectations? He was treated awfully by his old team, in December Daniel was barely a shred of the person he seems to be now. His bright shine dulled by his perpetual disappointment of being back here. He shrank in on himself in social situations where more than two people were present and seemed to go around with a near-constant frown on his face, shoulders slumped. I couldn't stand him then, the moping self pity he held for himself. I couldn't understand how someone who had so much (in experiences, life and wealth) could ever feel the way he did. I know Daniel better now. I understand him now. That understanding doesn't mean I entirely understand this.

"I can't let my career end like that." I blink emptily at the addition of Daniel's words. Since he started speaking there's been a hot nausea sitting in me and with each word Daniel says it's working its way into a slight tremor in my fingers.

"Oh." What else is there to say? We both know if Daniel's made up his mind I can't change it. It doesn't mean that I understand it. "People love you." They do, I've seen it in person, I could barely believe the adoration that poured out from strangers. Whole grandstands of thousands of people cheered each time his face was so much as shown on a screen in Melbourne. It was louder than they cheered for Max - the actual race winner. Fans beamed in happiness when he so much as waved in their direction with entire garages of people seeming to light up on his presence. People adore him - whether he's racing or not - and it's amazing. To them, and me, Daniel not having a seat didn't change a thing - he was still Daniel.

"It's not about people." Daniel sighs in a way that makes me sink in my seat, as if I'm a child that doesn't understand his 'adult' problems. Why do I feel like I am a child. It's not good enough. Perth will never be good enough. "It's racing, it's..." he trails off.