I love everything about you

chapter thirteen

Me and Maverick are great. We're strong and usually always together. Sophia and Kaleb love him and love having him in our group.
And I'm happy that they love him.

It's Tuesday at school and it's like any other day. I'm in sixth period, it's science, and I'm trying to focus.
But today is a hard day to focus for some reason.

So I ask to go to bathroom and I just go for a walk in the hallways.
I'm roaming the halls, gliding my finger in the grooves of the boring colored hallways.

Today is kind of depressing. It's a rainy day in April and it's making me somewhat sad.
I always feel like this in winter or on rainy days like today.

As I'm roaming the halls, I end up getting to a bathroom so I might as well try to go.
I walk into the bathroom and do what I do.
I exit the stall and start washing my hands.

I hear someone come in, but I don't pay any mind to them and start to dry my hands.

"Alex?" I hear the voice. And I know the voice.

I turn my head and meet the eyes of my ex-boyfriend Mason.
I stared at him blankly. "What" I begin to say, "what could you possibly want."

Today is already icky and seeing him, hearing him, is making everything worse.

His face definitely saddens. But I don't care. I can see him struggling for words.
"I'm really really sorry for the incident at the movie theater."
"That's seriously all you're sorry for?"
He seems like he's shocked at my annoyance. But I honestly don't care. He's acting as if his apology is doing me jack shit.

He takes a single step forward and I move back in an instant. He looks hurt by the act.
I can feel tears rim my eyes and my emotions are taking over me. "Almost two years. And we were perfect. There was no drama no pressure. It was just you and me! And you go and fuck it up by making out with what her face!"

The tears are falling and even though he's never seen me in this way, I feel bare and naked. I can suddenly feel all the air flowing through my clothes and hear all the sounds surrounding us.

I don't look at him but judging by the silence I know he's at loss for words.
"I loved you, so fucking much" I look at him now, "But it was obvious you didn't love me. Fuck, do you even like guys!?"

And that is a genuine question that I need an answer to. I can see nothing but guilt in his eyes when he looks at me.
That alone is my answer. My answer to the questions that have kept me up at night the moment I dumped him.
Mason wasn't even gay. I was nothjng but an experiment for him.

He reaches his hand to touch me. I move away. It's taking all of me not to break down in front of him.

"Alex, please just listen to me." He steps forward and this time I don't move. "I did like you. But I don't like guys. You were the only one I liked and probably the only one I will ever like."

It angers me. He angers me.
I look up at him. He's so close to me and I stop crying when I see him up close for the first time in a while.
Everything comes back just like it did in the movie theater.

I see it in his eyes that the same thing is happening to him.
We don't say anything.

I have to go. I want to go. I hate Mason for hurting me, but I still love him. You can't just get over your first boyfriend in a month after he cheated on you.

My chest is aching and I feel like I was punched.

I push Mason away and I run out of the bathroom. I hear him call out to me, but I ignore it.
I need to get back to class. I've definitely been gone a while.

I walk in the class and I see Sophia look at me from across the room worried. Really worried.

AFTER SCHOOL

I'm in my bed and I'm trying to take a nap. But I can't sleep.
All I can do is cry and cry.
Mason. My Mason. But now he's not my Mason.

He's Allison's Mason now. I should be focused on Maverick anyways.
We're not officially together yet, but I forgot because we're always together.

This guilt is banging on my whole body, especially my heart.
Maverick is a beautiful and sweet boy. I don't want to hurt him.
I know one day I won't even think of Mason.

But as of now and for the past month. All I can remember is the way he was the reason I started dressing the way I wanted. I started doing what I wanted.
He was my confidence. He was the reason I was me and now he's gone. Now he's the reason I can't be me.
He's the reason I'm in this state of mind. He's the reason I'm going through this pain that feels it will never go away.

I turn to my side. I close my eyes and sigh.

One day, I will see him and feel nothing. One day. One. Day.

I squeeze my eyes tighter and tighter. No tears can escape.
I stay like this for a little while until I feel it's safe enough to release the pressure.
I open my eyes.
I sit up.
I look around my room.

I go to my closet, walking slowly and unsteady.
I open the closet.
I grab my favorite black hoodie.

Masons hoodie.

I put it on and I drown in his smell. I stand and lean against my door for a moment.

I hear a knock on my door. I stand and stare at my door for a few seconds.

I hear the knock again and the voice of my mother on the other side,

"Alex sweetie? Can I come in?"
"Yeah"

She walks in and stares at my face. My eyes are red and swollen from crying, and I see it in her face she can tell.

We both walk to sit in my bed.

"Alex, what's wrong?"

I force a smile, but I don't think she can tell. Which is okay. I don't want her knowing of my secret ex-boyfriend and I especially don't want her knowing I even had a boyfriend.

"I'm fine. It's just a crummy day out."
She nods. I can see she doesn't believe me, but she understands I don't wanna talk about it.

She hugs me. I hug her back.
I breathe in her scent.
Just as I did Masons.