WASTELAND,BABY | JOHN B

20. I wished I could be with them

Chapter Twenty 

I wished I could be with them

3rd person pov 

-NARRATED BY JUNO- 

So I don't know what happened with the others after I ran away, I stayed away. I moved upstate to live with my aunt Caroline and I didn't look back. I was a murderer and Topper's death had been on the news but nobody could tell who did it because I was wearing gloves. I still think about it what I did why I did it. It had been 18 months and I saw what happened with Ward and I heard that the rest of the group got the gold. I almost had the urge to call John B and congratulate him apologize admit what I did but I wasn't a murderer. It wasn't who I was if anything topper was a murderer and I was just getting back at him. 

But during those 18 months I spent with my aunt Caroline I went back to school and I got a job and I adopted a dog and I left my life behind in the Outer Banks . Mom calls every once in a while to check on me, I mean I did show up to Caroline's doorstep covered in blood and when I explained what I did and that saylor was dead, She didn't care about what I had done. The group still had my phone number so they were sending me messages all the time asking me about how life was or or telling me how things were going saying that they got the gold and that they bought jj's land and all this other shit and I wished I could be with them. 

I don't regret what I did for a second topper deserved it but what I do regret is not making it known about what I had done. A part of me wishes I had gone to the police and told them I would be in jail for murder and I wouldn't be where I am but sometimes I look at myself and all I see is the girl that murdered someone. John B would never see me that way he always saw me as something that I wasn't and that was terrifying.

Sure I still did the reckless things that I always did I stole cars and I did street racing and I went out at night and I went surfing during Hurricanes and I did all the shit that I wasn't supposed to do because it made me feel something. It terrifies me that murdering something or someone actually made me feel something. I would never be that girl I can never imagine being that girl but when I did it it felt good and it felt right. 

I almost forgot to mention that I'm also in therapy however I haven't told them about the murder and I've only told them about the time I got shot and seeing my brother dying and being in a burning house. I've told them about the fighting and the screaming and the yelling and the murder that I saw. My therapist never looked at me like I was insane because she knew I wasn't. The news constantly talked about our group and that meant that I was on the news I just wish there was a way to go back and make it so nobody knew me.

I don't know what the others are doing right now because I haven't gotten an update in a while. I graduated and I got my ged and I have a savings account with a but load of money. It's crazy because for a girl who used to be a pogue with no money and no future I actually have one now and that's terrifying. I used to bully pope about the fact that he wanted to go to college but I get it now there's something empowering about continuing your education and living out your dreams that you've always had, I just wish I had listened to him sooner.

In the meantime I spent every day working at the local bakery. My boss Jonah was really into weed brownies Or realistically anything that was a pastry and had weed in it and I still have the stash that JJ gave me I never smoked it or used it because it felt weird too but using it for Jonah and the customers who did like it made it easier. That's where I spent most of my free time and when I wasn't there I was at home studying or drawing or painting. Sometimes I was out in the garden with aunt Caroline working on the tomatoes, She was an expert gardener and she wanted me to know what to do if she ever died which was weird because she's only 32 but it seems that no one ever lives long enough.

I dont know when im going to go back to the obx and face the life that I left its kind of terrifying because I know that nothing stays the same. I don't know what they did with the house or each other I don't know what mom's been doing or what dad's been doing I don't know if they did a funeral for saylor there's a lot that I don't know and it's starting to get to me. So when I decided to go back it'll be completely my decision and no one will stop me. 

But until then I'm gonna keep saving money and keep working in doing the things I deserve to do after living that life for so long. I lived on an island for a little bit I think I deserve a little bit of freedom from the gold life. I just hope the others have waited for me.

-ABBYS NOTES-

i didn't know how to write this because she won't be back until episode two or three but i wanted to write this for you guys. also i felt the need to because john b always does the narrations and i wanted to give this chapter without spoilers and just focus on juno before i figure out what im doing with her story.