Undercover

Prologue

Theres A Song In The Media That i Think Goes Perfect Well With The Prologue

Alysia:

I can honestly and openly admit that I put myself into this situation but at the same time I'm really not complaining. I mean I always told myself to never depend on anyone but yourself and I stuck by my word. Taking my own advice, I didn't need anybody and I didn't need shit from them. I did things my way and if you didn't like it, fuck you. Myself and my money, all I needed. I didn't need friends, I didn't need family and I didn't need no nigga. I did my own thing and that was exactly how I liked it. It took me a long time to say, I am the person I was today. Going back a couple of years, I wouldn't expect my life to be how it was now.

Fear, determaination and struggle will get you far, I'll tell you that much. Without those three things I wouldn't be where I was at today. At 18 years old, bringing in the hustle that I was, can't say that very many people were doing it. I did shit the smart way but not necessarily the best way. I didn't have to be like these niggas out here selling dope on the corner or these bitches sliding down the pool or working the corners. I knew I couldn't take the normal way out that people usually took when they were having a hard time surviving, I took my knowledge with me. I had to be different, there was always another way. I used my mind to get me where I'm at, I used my mind to help me survive. Yeah I was smart but let's not confuse that for weakness.

That brings me to fear. Something that I had to deal with all my life up until a couple of years ago. Having to fight off and deal with the bullshit, since I was 15. I had to teach myself everything that I knew, how to fight, in any way, how to support myself, and most importantly how to survive. I don't know how I did it but I did. I went through every pain possible under the sun, every single pain. If you name it, most likely I been through it. There was always someone or something out there that wanted to make it difficult for me. Nothing I have now or accomplished was easy, still isn't easy and it probably never will be easy. If I told someone what I went through, they'll probably think they could handle it. I think they would be dead the minute they stepped into my shoes and lived a day of my life. I was strong, and I stepped down or no one, not one fucking person.

I was determined though and I never gave up, no matter how bad I wanted to, I never did. On the verge of failure or the verge of death I stood standing and kept moving because I did not want to let myself down. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it, prove to all the motherfuckers who doubted me and said I couldn't do it, I couldn't survive on my own. I proved them all wrong and it was the greatest feeling in the world. Like I mentioned before, it wasn't easy but I had to do it, just to say something. To say that no matter what I was doing, I could do it, without their help, without their rules and without their fucking ridicule. I was always the failure, the one that would be the least greatest but look at me now, bitch.

Without struggle I wouldn't be here. Pushing forward and just overcoming it all, most of it anyways. I wouldn't say that I was quite there but I was definitely on my way. I need struggle, I needed obstacle to be put in my way in order for me to achieve shit. I needed them so that I could be better and I could learn, learn from my mistakes and learn from other people's mistakes. I had to learn, that was the only way someone could do better was to learn. Without struggle I wouldn't have learned all the shit that I knew now. I needed to be pushed down in order to get back up, that was the only way I saw was best for me. So I didn't regret shit, not one single thing that I went through because it blessed me with the person I was today.

I can't say that I was the best, trust me I was far from it. I wasn't really expecting to be the best but I was just someone that people envied, chased after. Someone that people looked up to, feared and maybe even hated. Hate was strong word but it was either hate or love and I knew loved wasn't the correct word. I was just someone that people knew about, wanting to be like me or go against me. It was always either those two. Never wanting to be there for me, always the opposite. Just to benefit themselves, my type of mentality. I was just some one's company, using people in all the wrong ways for all the wrong reasons. Manipulating people to get what I wanted, nothing more then that.

Love wasn't even in my vocabulary. I never knew what love was, never felt it, experienced it, if even believed in it. Being the person that I was, I knew love would never come my way. It was just me and money, only thing that mattered the most and I liked it that way. I would rather be alone, then to be in some pathetic relationship. I wasn't like most girls, falling deeply in love with niggas. I saw right through that petty ass bullshit. Love made you weak, broke you down. So I never wanted to depend on anyone. Stuck in these ways, where I belonged, never leaving them.

But then I met him and he changed everything. Everything single thing. My views on certain things and how I did shit, how I dealt with this. I didn't know if he was blessing yet but we would see. Eventually I would find out, because without him, I didn't know what I would do.