CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
After he leaves, I head up to my room but stop outside Estelle's and Bud's bedroom door. I scan the chipped paint on the white crown-molding doorframe and stare at the brass doorknob that's smudged with their fingerprints. I can't open it. It would crumble me to dust. I can't fathom the idea of walking inside. Just standing there makes me feel like I'm being punched in the gut. I can't bear to see their photos or enter a room heavy with the scent of old, stolen memories. I don't want to see two indentations in the mattress. Seeing the one that Bud had left had been bad enough.
I don't want to be reminded of everything that's happened. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
I press my palm against the door and allow my most treasured memories to surge through me. I feel like I've been split into two parts—the Gavin I've grown to be thankful for since I came here, and the one I will have to be from now on. I'm struck by a torpedo of earth-shattering ammo; blow after blow. The moment I first arrived and Estelle popped her head under Bud's arm. The '70's diner and Estelle's insistence that I try the strawberry shake ... God, I wish I'd finished that shake ... the warmth of her tiny hands every time she touched me. The way Bud constantly teased her. Our daily breakfasts and dinners. So much time spent laughing, accompanied by the determination to make up for fourteen years of loss.
I never believed in a God until recently. For so long I climbed a mountain built on hopeful dreams and unanswered prayers, hoping to one day finally reach its summit and find what I was looking for. And I did. But now I'm looking over the edge, wondering whether the climb had any point to it. Is there ever a point? Is life no more than a million moments that serve to remind us how temporary, how dispensable we really are?
I hurry down the hall to my room, open the door, look up at the wall, and see the one thing that could make things even worse for me right now.
The dolphin.
No, not the dolphin! I remember the day I first arrived. When Estelle showed me the room she said was always meant to be mine. How the first thing I noticed was this portrait of a dolphin hung up on my wall. I'm so thankful I decided against taking it down, because I could see how much she really loved it.
I fall to my knees sobbing and begging for them to come back to me. I keep imagining them both bursting through the door, hugging me, reminding me of what they taught me, showing me that I am loved. They were the only people who taught me this. The only people, except for Leyla, who could make me believe it was true. The only ones I could accept it from, with a sort of honor I can't describe. As if it was just for me. All mine.
The future feels incomplete and worthless. It's filled with dark clouds and hurricanes and earthquakes. Now that I know what it was like to have them in my life, I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like without them.
I struggle to my feet and over to my dresser. I tug the drawer open and grab out the album of photos of my parents that Bud and Estelle had given me when I first arrived. I flip through the pages until I find a photo of my dad, Liam. He's alone, holding the camera to his face making a goofy face, which only reminds me of Alanna and her serial selfies. I feel like I'm strapped down on a bed of blistering hot coals, and all I wish is that the coals would burn me to nothingness ... and fast. My meeting with Samy, Yogi's mom, resurfaces in my mind. I hear her in my head, telling me about her and Liam's affair, and I'm angry. So damn angry.
I yank my dad's picture from the slot and without thinking, recite my chant. "To this time, allow my travel. Take me there, let time unravel."
He's a little startled when I pop into our old house's living room that he almost drops his camera. "Gavin?" He breaks into a big smile. "You haven't come to us in forever!" For a second, I don't realize what he means, but then I remember that I've skipped ahead in the album to probably two years after I was born. The last picture I visited them in was from when they were at old Disney, and my mom was still preggers with me. When I told them everything that was going on concerning Alanna, Edwin, and the Peace Hunters.
