CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
We ride the elevator pod to another floor of The Nest. The doors open to a central atrium with rooms opening off it. There are several free-standing, oval-shaped chambers glowing with fluorescent blue light, with a soldier standing guard at each glass door as motionless as the guards in front of Buckingham Palace. If they're aware that we just arrived, they show no sign of it.
Norrek stops at one of the glowing glass chambers. My future self sets his palm against a hovering square sensor and the glass walls disintegrate like holograms, and the blue light turns bright violet. Norrek nudges me inside.
The ceiling is lined with a panel of rotating orange lights. The floor is carpeted with blue padding. There's a round, floating device in one corner that I assume is a toilet. Other than that, the room is bare, and I know for sure that these are prisoner cells.
Norrek turns to leave, followed by my future self, but stops and turns to me one more time. "I'll be back to discuss our options. Do enjoy your stay." As he exits, my future self gives me an ambiguous nod and follows him out. The hologram walls appear again but quickly turn an opaque shade that makes it impossible for me to see anything outside.
Why didn't I leave when I had a chance? Mario was right. Some things will never change. And now it makes sense why he was so hostile toward me. I'm surprised he didn't murder me right then and there. Me, of all people ... leading the Peace Hunters? Which means his family died because of me. And Edwin is stuck in the clutches of the Peace Hunters because of me! And Dakota and Perry ... what happened to them? Where are they? The possibility of their deaths make me sick.
How long will they keep me here? What happens if I don't make it back in time? What will happen to Edwin? Will Naima carry out her threats? Will they harm him? The vials are empty, but she doesn't know that yet. When she finds out, and that I'm gone too, she'll use Edwin as her weapon.
No one—not Mario, Dakota, Perry—will have power to do anything because there's no way to retrieve a new set of vials. I drank it! And that's if the Peace Hunters even believe that I really ingested all the liquid. Dakota and Perry were right. I should've discussed it with them first. My friends and family will be helpless against them, and because of it Edwin will suffer. Everyone will suffer.
My brain is light-headed. I feel nauseated. I want to scream, but I can't. Nothing comes out. Instead, my eyes take over. One by one the tears fall until my face is drenched. I can't stop thinking that this might actually be the end. There are no plans. I have no idea what they're going to do to me. I don't even know what sort of technology exists in this future. Who knows the types of things they can do to me. Not knowing is more frightening than knowing. I have no idea how to prepare myself. With no idea of what to fear, I'm pretty much forced to fear everything.
I lie on the padded flooring and considering various ways that the Peace Hunters might torture Alanna's family and Edwin. It's the first time that I'm somewhat relieved that Estelle and Bud aren't around. This way ... I know they can't be tortured.
Edwin's voice croons in my head. His small, innocent voice. I think back to the day he came sliding into Mario's kitchen. The day everything really changed. The day I found out that I was a father.
I don't think I've ever hated myself more than I do right now. This is all my fault. I promised Estelle and Bud and Leyla that I'd make things right, and I've done nothing but screw things up. Again.
Time passes, maybe five or six hours. No way to really tell. The hologram glass walls are still blacked out and I have no idea what might be going on outside. The silence of the room makes it terrifyingly lonely. I don't know how many times I've asked everyone for forgiveness, how many times I've prayed, hoping that if there is a God, he'll accept my mental pleas. That He'll hear me.
There aren't enough apologies in the world that will make up for this.
Being alone with my thoughts is the worst torture. My mind keeps reeling with perpetual "What ifs?" What if I hadn't drunk the vials? What if I'd never visited Alanna? What if I'd never decided to travel across the country to find my grandparents? What if Edwin had never existed?
Every thought is answered by the exhausting certainty that everything in the lives of everyone I know and love would still be intact if only I hadn't interfered. My future self is right—without me, the people I've learned to love today would have been unaffected. But now their entire lives have been altered. Thrown into a blender and chopped up into shreds that can never put back together.
I try one more time to pull off the Mute Card, but the searing pain stops me. It's like trying to pull my thumbnail from its bed. I walk in countless circles in the oval room, lie down on the padded floors, walk more hundreds of circles until the padded flooring is indented with a circle that outlines my relentless walking trail. The trail is the only thing I've had to connect with in the last five, six, or seven hours.
The hologram door disappears and the moment brings me more joy than seeing dinosaurs for the first time did. An elderly woman with dark skin walks in carrying a small silver chest under her arm. Something about her seems familiar, but I can't pinpoint why or from where.
"Evenin', sugah," she says.
I try to say her name, but the words bounce around against my cheeks, inside my mouth. I drown in my own silence and use my eyes to speak.
"That's right. It's me. Don't let the shaved head fool ya now."
It's Meesha. Except that she's older and way thinner, and her gray hair has been cut off. I almost throw my arms around her, but hold myself back. She opens the latches of the silver chest. It contains a large syringe. My eyes widen and I push it away, shaking my head, putting out my hands to say no.
"Don't you worry, this is just some nutrients since you can't talk or use that mouth of yours. Gotta keep you healthy." She flicks at the syringe to get rid of any bubbles and pricks me in my throat. I wince but am surprised that I barely feel the prick.
"Now listen to me," she whispers. "Gavin's gonna come back. We don't have much time to act. Just do what he says."
I squint at her and shake my head. How do I know she's still on my side?
"Listen," she hisses. "I've never lied to you, so you listen to me now. You hear?"
I want to hug her. I want to feel the warmth and comfort that she always brings me. Please hug me, please.
"I gotta go. But you listen to me. Don't go being stubborn now. You listen to Meesha."
She glances around nervously and goes to the door. When she reaches it, she turns to me and gazes at me as if she's recalling the good times we shared in the past. The good times we created with one another. The bond we built that would still hold strong decades later. Somehow... I'm not sure how, though.
No! Please, don't leave me. Come back!
She throws me a weak but reassuring wink and disappears through the hologram door.
