CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
After so many years of carrying the burden of her loss, and a lifetime of nightmares, I'm overwhelmed. Never could I imagine how different seeing her in the flesh would be from seeing her every night in my dreams.
"Didn't think you'd see me, did you?" Her blonde curls blow weightless in the wind. She tightens the silk waistband on her lilac robe-the robe she wore the first time I woke up in a new bed, in a new home, and she held my little body in her arms. Then she offers me her hand and I stare at it, taking in the size of her nails, the shape of her fingers, the tan color of her skin.
The shock subsides and I grab her hand. I jump to my feet and her arms envelop me. For a moment I feel as if I'm four years old again, safe and alive and happy. Everything feels normal and right, as if no time whatsoever has passed.
Tears of guilt and loss pour from my eyes. "I never thought I'd see you again."
"How I've missed you," she whispers, caressing my hair.
"I've missed you every day."
"I know. I know." She releases me and steps back. "But Bud, Estelle, Alanna ... they were right. You need to move forward. You should listen to everyone who tells you that. You're not to blame for anything that's happened."
"I could've stopped those men from killing you."
She shakes her head. "Absolutely not, darling. You were a child. I'm relieved that you were too young to do anything."
I'm shaking my head. She puts her hand on my chest. "Gavin, that was my destiny. It's how my stars aligned, how my story was written. Nothing could have changed it."
"It's not fair, though."
"Nothing is. Life is full of moments that will make or break us. You can't allow them to break you. If you can't begin to let go of what's always been holding you back, then you'll never succeed in bringing down the Peace Hunters. In the back of your mind you'll always be thinking that you will fail. And failure is all that you'll allow into your heart."
"It's been so hard without you."
"I'm sorry I had to leave you to deal with so much on your own. Jet was wrong. Very wrong. He still hurts to this very day. He's so broken and weak that he inflicted his pain on you because he couldn't deal with his own. He blamed you because he had no one else to blame. But he's not a bad man. He needed help. And he still does. He took the wrong path, a dark one that's led into even more darkness."
She takes my hand and holds it against her cheek. "But the only way to heal your wounds is to forgive and move forward. We are weak with our decisions sometimes. We often choose hate over love. But we all only need a reason to love again. Don't do what Jet did. Let go of all of it. Don't surrender to it. You already have the power inside you to refuse to be a prisoner of your past, but you just don't really know it yet."
She's right. I don't know if it's her voice or the fact that she's actually in front of me, but all my hatred of Jet, the hatred that made me run away to DC, is gone. I just can't summon it up. It's like I've been cleansed of it. Maybe all I ever needed was a sign, something to tell me everything will be okay.
"Come here." She puts her arms around me and holds me closely to her chest. "One of the most wonderful moments of my life was when you entered it. You'll always be my baby boy. You were one of the greatest delights in my life."
Stop! I want to tell her. It feels like a building has been demolished over me and I'm being crushed by the weight of every stone in its foundation. The weight of loss catches in my throat and I'm drowning.
"Let me stay here," I plead. "Just let me stay here with you."
"Our time together again will come when it's supposed to. But for now, you have big shoes to fill, and I have not a shred of doubt in you. You will bring down the Peace Hunters. You just need to find your way to doing it."
I push myself away just enough to look at her in the eyes. "I'll do it. I promise. For you, I'll do anything."
"Not for me. For yourself."
"But-"
"Shh, darling. Come now." She places my head against her chest again, grazes her lips against my scalp, and begins singing, "Let the night erase your fears ... Let my voice be all you hear."
I feel my heartbeat slowing to a child's peaceful pace. I feel a warm smile creasing her lips while she croons my favorite lullaby to me over and over.
I know that this is the moment the Great Sage spoke of-my moment of realization. The moment when I realize it's time to believe.
This is the beginning of the new me.
