Bruised Mind

Memoir 5

Ally

"Do you have people who listen to you?" She asked.

Kaagad akong napangiti ng mapait pagkarinig sa tanong na iyon.

My answer is an immediate no because that's true. I don't have someone who's willing to listen to me.

Umiling ako. "No?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "Wala akong listener. Kaya nga naimbento kita hindi ba?"

Natawa sya nang mahina sa sinabi ko. "You're right. The reason why I'm here is because you don't have one," she said, then her mood suddenly shifted.

"Why?" she asked seriously.

Why don't I have one?

Instead of answering her why, I began to tell her a story.

"One day, I tried to talk to my sister. We are talking about our stepsister and how her life was much easier than us. The topic shifted to my father because our stepsister was quiet spoiled. She can get whatever she wants without having to beg for it while our father was too strict about money," I said.

She nodded her head, signaling me to continue.

"When I was telling her about what happened when I was in college, where I cried because our father couldn't give me money to pay for the batch fee when I am already a graduating student just because he's having a fight with his girlfriend. He got angry at me for asking for money when he already has a problem, which is their lover's quarrel." I continued as I took a deep breath.

"I was about to tell her how it hurt me. How it made me feel insignificant and how that made me cry when my sister suddenly told me to stop. It's already over, I already graduated." I bit my lower lip. "It's like I don't have the right to tell her that what happened still bothers me until now because I don't have anyone who can listen to me. I feel invalidated."

"You know what I learned from that?" I asked as a small smile formed on my lips.

She didn't say anything, but I can see in her eyes that she wanted me to go on, so I did.

"They don't care about your thoughts, feelings, everything about you. They don't care about you. They will only care if it's something that concerns them. In the end of the day, sarili mo lang ang kakampi mo. No one's your ally but yourself."

Kaso, pati sarili ko, kalaban din ang tingin ko. So, who can I share these destructive thoughts and feelings with? Wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko na kakayanin ko. I might snap one day and just end things. I don't know what to do about this, and to be honest, I just feel so worthless.