Not Us 3: Odette & Ford

Chapter 7

Ford's POV

"Who is Sutton's Dad?" I asked because it had been bugging me for some time. If she'd been as hurt as she says...it didn't make sense. She had to have been with someone right after we broke up. Like, within a couple of weeks type fast. And, I needed to know. Briggs and Greedy were the only ones who knew about her, and they'd be the only ones who would comfort her. Briggs would never cheat on Jacqueline. That's...just not possible. The dude had been hardwired for her his whole fucking life. That only left, Greedy. And he'd always been a playboy fucker. And I could see him doing some shit like this.

She was quiet after I asked. Did she not want to tell me? Who was it? I didn't even have to wonder why I was so bothered by it. I was still madly in love with her. She still made me blush, my heart stutter, and my palms sweat. And she'd carried another man's child. It hurt.

A lot. My eyebrows were furrowed, and I knew I had to say this. I had to let her know I needed her honestly like she needed mine. We're both hurt in different ways, and we're going to be healing and hopefully working on fixing us after a little more work on ourselves.

"I've been honest and answered all of your questions, Odette. Please give me the same respect." I wiped the tears that had been running down my face as I laid my hurt out for her to hear. Maybe she needed more?

"Okay. I'll keep talking while you think about how to answer my question," I cleared my throat, "I have PTS. When it hits, I usually have a panic attack, get dizzy, and tunnel vision. I'm going to a therapist not covered by the military, twice a week. They've started stepping me down off of the meds the VA put me on. I want to feel better and be better. Not just because of the pills. I'm currently using a step-down scale for a mood stabilizer, anxiety pill, and sleeping pill. I'm not a fan of crowds unless it's an unavoidable thing. My partner, the woman posing as my fake fiancé, was killed in a crowd. I didn't even get a chance to tell her wife because I was captured. On paper, I was back nine months ago," I know Briggs said not to say it, but she needs to know everything if we're going to work on us.

"I actually returned two months later. I've only been back seven months. In those seven months, I had to do weekly physical therapy and occupational therapy, and my old CO helped me get into a shrink outside the scope of the military until I could get my DD214 papers. I was seeing them three days a week in person with two telehealth days if I needed them. When I first started, I didn't want to talk. But she broke it down for me one day. She said that when I'm on the team, I need to communicate with the other members so the op goes smoothly. If I don't communicate in therapy, I'll fail the op. This op being me, getting back to living a normal life. Or as normal of a life as I can with my PTS."

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling proud but still slightly embarrassed at the same time, "I'm down to two days a week, over the telehealth shit, and two days in person with the same therapist. But they've been making recommendations for ones out here since it looks like this is where I'll be to help raise the kids. I video all of my big feelings and shit in the moment so I can send those in right away over telehealth and those count as my two sessions that way. It also helps when I'm feeling like I'm in crisis, or struggling. Therapy has been helping a lot."

I heard her sniffle. Was this good or bad? What was she going to say next? I was sitting on pins and needles. I hated not being able to see her face, but it was easier to say certain things to the vast night sky than to look into her eyes as I hurt her. It was easier because it was almost like we were on the phone, or like we were in a bubble, just us. I just couldn't see what she was thinking. I couldn't see how my words affected her. I could only hear what she was saying. It was...I don't know how to describe it. Both good and bad?

"I want you to focus on you. Get yourself a job. Find a place here. We can talk about slowly bringing you into the kids' lives." She sounded like she was just trying to keep her voice steady as she said this. Like she was thinking of every word she said before it came out of her mouth. Is she trying to put a wall between us? Is she trying to keep her distance?

"Are you going to answer my question?" I tried to keep my voice as neutral as I could, mainly because I didn't wanna come off as an asshole, but also because I wanted her to answer it. I heard her breathe in deeply like she was bracing herself for the answer. Or my response to her answer.

"Yes. But I want you to know something first." That made me still in my seat. I was frozen, whether with fear or cautiousness I wasn't sure which was going to win out. I looked at Briggs, but he looked away from both of us. What?

"Okay?" I was holding my breath. Terrified. It's not me. It's someone else. But what if she is mine? What then? I missed so much of their lives already.

"I am willing to work on getting a friendship back between us. For the children. We are to be taking care of them together, as per the Will, but I...I don't know if I can emotionally handle more than that."

"What are you saying?" I turned and looked at the back of her head. She had her head in her hands, facing the floor of the patio. I heard her sniffling. Her breathing was that of someone sobbing like their heart was breaking. Why was her heart breaking?

"I...don't know how to stop loving you. But it hurts too much to keep loving you right now," She was sobbing, her body shaking. "And I'm so scared. What if I let you in and you leave again? You're not just leaving me this time. It would be all four of us and I can't have my heart broken like that again," she gasped, trying to slow the tears and breathe, "I can't. I...I w-w-won't m-m-m-make it. And they don't deserve that. They're still little," I stood up and went to her. I kneeled in front of her and wove my arms around her while she cried into my chest. She hit me and cried for I don't know how long.

I just held her and whispered to her once she'd calmed down, "You don't have to love me. Not until you're ready to trust me again. I'll work on it. Please. Please let me show you I will never leave you again. Never." It hurt to say. Telling her not to love me until she could trust me again, but the truth was, I shattered her trust in me when I just left without talking to her first. She was still sniffling into my chest. I looked down at the top of her head as she pushed away slightly, looking up at me. She looked at my chest.

"You are," she whispered, then looked up at me, like she was expecting some kind of a reaction. I looked at her confused. My brows knit together not understanding what she was talking about. I am working on it? Is that what she meant?

"I am? I am what? Already working on it?" I smiled, happy that she understood my sentiment, even though this wasn't a huge first step, it was for me. I laid it mostly all out there, minus details about the torture I went through. It was a big deal for me because I had only told Briggs and my therapist about my PTS. Now her.

"You're Sutton's Dad."

Woah. Wait.

"I'm sorry, what?" I pulled back from her.