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I don't like you at the moment and I feel like my lack of confrontation is what got me here. I'm not saying the blame is all on you but every time we talk lately you make me feel terrible. you literally act like I'm the worst part of your day or something. I love you but it gets to the point where it feels like you're sometimes tiptoeing on that line between love and hate and I reallyyyy don't want to hate you.

I like you a lot and I don't want that to be ruined because of our lack of expression. you are not the only one I feel a way towards, I really strongly dislike everyone right now, I can't exactly pinpoint why. so please don't think I am only targeting you. I don't feel it's a bad thing and I don't want how I feel to ruin our friendship.

I'm tired of holding back and being the bigger person in every situation. I took this "growing to be a better person" thing too far, people need to be told about themselves sometimes. I hope we can talk and have a real conversation and not just a bullshit ass conversation where we're both annoyed with unsaid feelings just to get by.

I have just been having a really hard time lately and it doesn't help that the one person I feel I can talk to calls me annoying, irritating, etc. and it's always the "y'all" that gets me when you decide to throw that in there. I don't care wtf you got going on with someone else, don't take what you have going on with them out on me because I have not done anything to you.

It's like I'm always walking on eggshells around you, it makes me feel like maybe you aren't the person I was supposed to be comfortable around, especially since we're both having a hard time and need that comfort. the pressure isn't all on you, I've been doing my best to be better but it feels like every time I'm up and happy to be talking to you and finally able to do something with you without you blowing me off, you bring me right back down.

I just want us to be REAL friends, not whatever this is. I don't feel as if we're actually as close as we say we are. but If I'm right and I somehow make you feel worse please let me know. I can't stand to be in any relationship where I'm not wanted, It hurts worse than the breakup.

I've honestly never cried this much over a person making me feel bad other than like my parents. this is how I feel and maybe I am just seeing it wrong from my point of view. I would love to be able to talk this out. I'm in no way disregarding your feelings so please feel free to tell me anything. just please listen and understand what I'm saying. I love you and I hope you figure out whatever is bothering you soon because you're hurting the people around you (me at least) and it doesn't feel like you care.

I don't want this to be like a "fall out" type message, I don't want conflict. I'm trying to make this as least hurtful as possible, I want us to be better than we are now. I'm honestly so tired of it. I've been trying so hard to be a better person, it's a struggle to not just blow up every time I'm upset, it's why I cry so much honestly. I don't feel I'm able to tell how I feel because in reality, you're not the best listener and neither is everyone else around me. you can be kind of mean and hurtful sometimes and I don't think you realize it. don't get me wrong, I know you don't always mean it and I can handle it when it's not said seriously but when you start saying and doing things more and with an attitude behind it, that's what gets me.

I don't think you get why I didn't react differently when you 'realized' we haven't been talking much. how do you talk to someone who never wants to talk? It's not that I didn't care, I just try to be as neutral as possible so that it won't start anything and end up with anyone feeling some type of way. which you would have known, had you not caught an attitude. our relationship was better when we would "pick" on each other every time we talked. we've known each other for almost two years and I feel like we've been going through this same cycle for most of it and you always tell me you don't know what I mean but I see it clear as day so maybe it is just me. anyway, I'm done, feel free to respond now. and when I say I like you, I mean platonically (hate that word btw) don't be gay now.

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A mostly unedited message I wrote to a past friend over a year ago and never sent.
Boy do I wish I had just sent it, so much of what happened after possibly could have been prevented.

I am a somewhat different person now and had I wrote it recently it would look way different.

will i regret posting this? probably, but it's relatable.

07/09/23
10/15/24