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__________

slowly breaking down and losing your mind on the inside while smiling on the outside so no one sees your pain and everything you're going through.

you're not really hiding it, that's what you believe at least. you don't want other people to see you in that way, as someone who is always down, depressed, anxious. so instead you keep it to yourself, not wanting to be a burden or bring the mood down.

It's funny because you wave off your own feelings but will jump to make sure no one else is feeling as bad as you are in a heartbeat.

you tell yourself you're okay, sometimes even convincing yourself of it until for a while. a few days, even weeks going by of you feeling what you think is okay when In all reality, you have just been masking and covering the pain.

once you finally start to feel again, it hits you hard. so hard it knocks the wind of you. now you're more hurt than ever, struggling to breathe, gasping for air, trying your hardest to pull yourself together. wanting that feeling of being numb and so called happy again.

It's no use, you have to feel and slowly build yourself back up again. you'll want to give up every second of the way but for some reason, a reason even you don't understand, you keep going and finally you pull through.

for it to happen all over again, in this continuous, never ending cycle. because, well, happiness isn't real.

__________

my heart aches for her, poor baby.

11/14/22
10/20/24

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