If loving you is Wrong

Dark Days

F I don't know what happened but before I knew it days turned into weeks. Which turned into months. I didn't have a sense of time anymore. Nothing mattered. Only a few.
1). Sleep
2).Eat
3). Study
4). Do what's expected of me. Nothing more and nothing less.
I felt like I was swimming against a tidal wave all alone with on a canoe. At some point my canoe broke and I was trying to hold my breath underwater. I can see the surface but I don't have the strength to break the surface of the water.
I can sense Desirée's frustration with my lack of connection. Sometimes she would talk and expect me to finish the sentence. But I can't connect mentally with her like I usually can. I fear that if I let her see how messed up I really am she won't stand by me anymore. I can't risk that at all.
On my worse days I just sit on the bed and stare at the Michael Jackson poster that I'd glued to my wall.
You're too fat.
You're too round.
You're stupid.
You're worthless.
The words would just circle around my head aroundmouth. Re around. One day it got so bad that I raised a knife to my skin. But I was trembling too hard to even make a cut. I feared I would nick a artery and bleed to death while watching the Amazing World of Gumball. I threw the knife across the room and screamed at the top of my lungs. Nobody was home because nobody cared about me.

"Miss Curran", I stopped and turned bumping people with my book bag.
"Yeah Rev?", I stepped out of line and walked over to his wheel chair.
"Can I have only five minutes of your precious time?", he asked as he waved for me to sit a chair.
"Sure", I replied. I waved for Desirée to go on without me. I sat back and watched him as he shoved the rest of the carrot in his mouth. Rev was what he called morbidly obese diabetic. But he always leaves out one thing. That he is the most hard working teacher in this whole school.
"Now Ms.Curran. I'm hear to discuss your performance in school".
I furrowed my brow in confusion. I have almost all A's except for a C in AP Psychology I'm only two percent from receiving a B.
"Not your academic performance. You know the material but you aren't applying to school".
I looked down at my chipped finger nail polish. I nodded slowly as of slowly dawned on me.
"I don't know nor do I wanna know. But you can't go on though your life seconding guessing every thing", he said looking deep in my eyes.
"I don't know how to ", I threw my hands up in the air in defeat.
"Talk to him. Ask him why", he glanced down at his watch,"I have taken up enough of your time".
Closure.
I picked up my book bag and headed out the door when it dawned on me.
Talk to him.
"How did you know that it was he?", I asked.
"I don't what know what you are talking about", he chuckled. But I saw a mischievous glint in his eye. I shook my head and walked out.

Before I could second guess myself I texted Chris.
We need to talk.
He answered a few seconds later.
Of course. When?
Meet me at the duck pond in five minutes.
K

Desirée looked up at me when I grabbed my hoodie but left my bookbag.
"I'll be back in a half and hour" I assured her,"I'm not going to go kill myself. Damn calm down!", I snapped before storming out the library. I arrived at the pond three minutes earlier and Chris arrived on time but I found myself second guessing this whole thing.
"Thanks for meeting me", he said as he walked over wearing a hood covering his head.
"Sure".
"What did you wanna talk about?", he asked as he rested his head on a nearby tree.
"Take a wild guess". He didn't reply and only gazed up at me.
"Tell me why Nadia. Why my friend?", I asked. I asked the questions that keep me up on late nights.
"Okay. You have a habit of closing down when all I want is for you to open up to. When I'm around you I want you psychically and emotionally. But you closed me off since that day we had made love".
"I didn't!", I cried indignantly. He raised his hand waiting for a moment silence.
"You do. Everyone and I mean everyone thinks so. And Nadia came onto me using my body against me. She lured me upstairs and seduced me", I raised my eyebrows in quiet disgust.
"I don't care if she seduced you. You went beyond my back and got my friend down on her back. For three months straight. We dated for seven months. I actually loved you. Was I was not good for you?", I asked as I whirled around and faced him.
"It wasn't that you worthy of me. It was if I was worthy of you. I couldn't live wondering constantly if I was corrupting you. Then Nadia came along then everything went so wrong. I dropped her back in April".
I felt like weight have been lifted from my shoulders.
"Thank you", I whispered,"Give me a hug".
He rose and wrapped me into bone breaking hug.
"Why are you thanking me for?",he asked as he squeezed me before backing away.
"For teaching me everything I learned".
"Oh",he said as he backed away leaning against the tree.
"Goodbye".
"Is a goodbye forever?", he asked.
"There is no such thing as goodbye that last forever".
He looked slightly relieved and a little appalled, his shoulders slumped.
"Oh...well goodbye...Shy".
With that I mentally dusked off my hands and began the slow treacherous walk up that steep hill. Leaving behind the first guy I've loved or cried over sitting with his head raised to the sky mentally asking himself where did he go wrong.