If loving you is Wrong

I Blame You

I watched as Rayshawn walked away and up the way I came. Each step he took broke my heart smaller and smaller. I snapped my head towards Chris in anger.
"Look at what you did!", I yelled at him. He raised his head before fixing me with a weird look.
"What I did?", his asked in confusion.
"Yes look at what you did",I snapped throwing my hands up in anger.
He merely raised a eyebrow and stood dusting his pants off. I gritted my teeth as I watched him dust himself off in a calm and unaffected manner.
"How exactly is it my fault?", his shook his head and held up his hands in what I believe was surrender.
"Don't answer that. I know I cheated on Shyanne----_I know I'm a douche. Which is a really weird insult. But anyway I don't understand what I had to do with that guy".
I could literally feel my blood pressure raising. I could feel the beginnings of a head ache coming on.
I held out my hadnd and closed it slowly imaginating it being his head crushed my kid sized hands.
"Your the cause of everything. For all my problems", I snapped.
No.
That's not true.
The problem really is because of my... heart.
"No... you could have rejected me----you could have done anything but what you did".
"I never wanted anyone to get hurt", I whispered quietly to myself.
He leaned forward to hear me, he furrowed his brow as he thought it over.
"You never wanted anyone to get hurt but then why did you sleep with me". He chewed on his bottom lip and rotated his watch as he thought.
"Why did you?".
Because I loved you.
Because I was following my heart.
"I don't need to explain myself to you", I grunted as I wiped furiously at my eyes.
"I think you do",he muttered before speaking louder,"I don't understand none of this".
I shook my head stared over at the boy I gave my virginity,my body, my heart to. A single tear fell down my cheek.
"I had of all", I whispered quietly almost as though I was talking to myself. But I knew Chris was listening.

"I had a boy wrapped around my finger. I had the best friends. I had money. I gotten into my favorite highschool. I had everything I could ever want. But then you started dating Shyanne. I would watch you from afar ... I was content. But then you changed it all that day. You ruined everything. Once would never be enough. I need more and soon".

Like.
Chris plopped down next to me and I spared him a single glance before poking back down at my phone. His shqadow fell over my phone trying to see what I was doing. I pressed the little button on the side of my phone causing the screen to fall black.
"How may I help you", I muttered.
He laughed and his eyes danced behind his glasses. I smiled a little as I made a face thinking he was slightly crazy.
Or drunk.
Or stuck on stupid.
"Where is 'Soul' at?", I asked trying to figure out why was Chris's leg was pressed against mine.
Soul is a mural friend of everyone. Total amine freak-----but overall good guy. He does cosplay the whole nine yards. I glanced around at the walls, all four walls including ceiling, filled with noting but amine drawing and posters. Everything from Attack on Titan to Dragon Ball Z. Very opinionated I must add.
"I don't know", he replied I looked down feeling his eyes boring holes through my skull,"Why do ask?".
"Because I came to see him", I looked up and looked at him. I blinked repeatedly when we held eye contact too long.
We had both caught the health line down here together when I saw him bobbing to his music.
He didn't say anything he just rested his hand on my shoulder turning me so I could look at him.
"Let me look at you"., he whispered quietly.
Why would he want to look at me?
I'm nothing compared to his girlfriend, Shyanne.
I shouldn't compare myself to one of my best friends. Damn sure not while I think about looking better than her in her boyfriend's eyes.
"Oookkaayyy", I said.
He looked at me. No. He looked at me like a every girl wants to be looked at.
"Beautiful", he whispered as he leaned toward to move a loose piece of curly hair from my cheek. I cast my eyes down and felt the telltale feeling of blood rushing to my cheeks.
He used a long slender finger to raise my chin so I was forced to look at me.
"Why your so shy all of a sudden?", he asked in amusement.
I pursed mylips before I responded.
"Because your saying weirdly sweet things that's not true".
He cocked his head to the side before allowing his hand cuff my jaw and slide down my neck. I felt a rush of heat where ever his hand touched me. He hand came to a rest on my shoulder. It was nice and firm. The only thing keeping me grounded to reality.
"I'm gonna ignore the second part of that sentence. If your embarrassed by me saying the truth your going to be even more embrarrassed by this".
He leaned closer until our lips were a hairsbreadth apart. Suddenly we were breathing the same air. My heart was threatening to burst out my chest. The air and time seemed to freeze around us. All the air I needed came from him.
"What is this?", I asked. I wasn't referring just to why he was so close. I was questioning what was this going on. What was he doing. What he was going to do? The most important thing I was questioning.
What wasIfeeling?
"This", he whispered. He pulled me closer closing the space between us.
As far as kisses went this was a excellent one. Perfect mixture of softness and firmness. He was a gentleman about it all. But at the same time he dominated my mouth. Taking and giving me everything I could take. I wanted so much more than he was willing to give.
I wanted him.
Now.
He pressed me closer to his chest he nipped gently on mt bottom. Lip.Nipping! I never thought I would enjoy such a act. But it gave the kiss the right amount of edge to the kiss. I moaned quietly and pulled at his shirt pulling him closer. He pressed me down further on the little couch, pressing his body against mine as we both fought for dominance playfully.
He broke the kiss and trailed his lips down my neck. I arched up and gripping his head panting.
"I want you", he whispered huskily in my ear.
I whimpered feeling a weird throbbing in my body. One place was heart. My heart thought it was going to burst from so much sensation. The other place was down there.
(I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm sorry guys).
It was a ache that only Chris could assuage.
"Please", I whispered back.
He pulled back and looked down searching for my consent.
" I want you. Now. Yes or no".
He leant up over me panting slightly. He was trying to keep himself under control for my sake.
"Yes", I said somberly.
I didn't know I wasn't just giving him my consent for him to take my virginity. But for him to be be my own brand of heroine.
My heart's and body's addiction.

Chris looked down at his feet before looking back at me.
"It was the same for me", he said quietly. So quietly in fact I didn't know hear him properly.
"What...".
He cleared his throat before speaking more loudly.
"It was the same for me. I knew the risk that night. I knew what would happen when one day we slipped up. I knew these things but I couldn't get enough It was all unhealthy. That's why it has to end".
This time more tears slid down my face. I isn't bother to cover them.
Why bother?
He already seen all of me?
We just looked at each silently. People say a picture can tell a thousand words. Well a silent moment with someone who have seen all of you.
Naked psychically.
Naked emotionally.
All of me.
Chris stepped forward until our lips were a hairsbreadth away from each other. Just like that fateful night. And just like that fateful night I looked down not in embarrassment but this time in shame.
He used his finger to raise my chin to clearly look at me.
"It's weird 'cause your still as beautiful to me as that day we made love for the first time".
I felt that telltale heat flooding cheeks.
"Barely", I mumbled.
"No. I'm gonna ignore that comment".
He looked down at my mouth and his eyes became heavy lidded as he stared entranced.
"May I kiss you?".
A part of me wanted to say no. But despite everything I still wanted him.
Does that make obsessed.
Or just a girl who fell hopelessly in love with the wrong boy.
Like every other girl in the world is bound to do at some point of their lives.
"Yes".
I kept my eyes down so I could save this kiss for the dark days that was sure to come. With that he kissed me with the same hunger each of his kisses possess. This kiss particularly reminded me our of our first stolen moments in Soul's bedroom while he was put on a errand.
Only this time this kiss wasn't a hello kiss. It was the saddest goodbye kiss.
Unlike last time I was the one to pull away. I watched ad he slowly open opened his eyes.
Chocolate brown.
Steady.
Reliable.
All things that brown eyes are said to represent. Not sure if it is true or not but it explained Chris.
He never fully allowed you to see what he was thinking. He never really showed his emotions. But I would like think that he gave me a piece of him as well as I did to him.
But this time his chocolate brown eyes were glistening. I could read his mind loud and clear. So clearly in fact he could have whispered it in my ear.
Goodbye Nadia.
We don't use words we used our thoughts to communicate with each other.
Goodbye Chris.
He took my hand in his as he slowly backed away keeping eye contact as he backed away.
Our palms brushed against each others.
Our fingers brushed against each others.
Our fingers tips brushed against each others.
Only air brushed between our hands.
I watched him as he turned and walked up the steep hill hopping from space to space trying not to land on bird poop.
I watch so many people walk out my life.

Shyanne.
Desirée.
Rayshawn.
And now Chris.
And like I watched them walk away. I watched as Chairs walked away. But unlike them I watched him leave and I didn't feel any regret for my decision.
Goodbye Chris.

Fifty-three...
Fifty-four...
Fifty five ...
Fifty six...
Fifty seven...
Fifty eight ...
Fifty nine ...
...sixty...

I padded quietly over to the bathroom counter ignoring the yellow pee resting in the toilet. I examined the box and the pink little stick that smelled like piss before tossing the box counter. I stared at the stick until my tears blurred my vision. I kneeled on cold bathroom floor with my eyes closed.
But it don't matter if I left my eyes open or closed it was burned into my brain.
Branded.
A small little symbol that just tossed me into a hurricane and I was no where the eye.
On the little pink stick was a small blue plus sign.

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