Secret Love

Love and Hate....

"Tom?"

"Hmm?" he didn't look up, licking his finger and turning the page of the script he was currently engrossed in. Glasses perched on the end of his nose, he was curled up on the sofa, comfy joggers and soft cashmere sweater providing a cosy nest for Flick's head. 

She lay along the sofa, her head in his lap, feet on the arm. Finally relaxed, she lay eyes closed, dozing in the pale golden sunshine that fell across them both. It had been another long and sleepless night for her and by default, him too.  

It was late afternoon, they'd spent a third day in the house, Tom catching up with overdue mail and a script he'd promised to look over for the last three weeks. Flick was still upset, despite the fact she now knew Nancy had effectively told Etta to put up and shut up.

Tom had stood with her while she deleted the text that upset her so much, telling her that it wasn't a good idea to delete Etta altogether, no matter how justified she was.  There were the girls to think of, he said.  No matter what, she was still their Grandmother, even if she was more like the Wicked Witch of the West. Nancy had returned from London then spoken to the girls, reassuring them they didn't have to make a choice, that they could still love their Dad and be friends with Tom.

Sadly they weren't convinced. They also didn't want to speak to Flick. Or come home. Nancy had said she wouldn't take sides, but she would let them stay for as long as was needed to sort all this out.  Now, after days of soul searching, crying, shouting at the walls and more crying, she was now torn.  By her own truth.

"Can I tell you something?  Something really awful?"  she whispered, sounding scared.  Tom was worried by this.  The last thing she needed was to descend into morose depression over this. Putting the script to the side, he looked at her.  She didn't move or open her eyes. "Of course love, never be afraid to tell me anything.  I love you, never feel alone or afraid." he bent over and kissed her forehead. "Now, what was this awful thing?"

"I want to go away.  Go away and never come back." She bit her lip but didn't move.  Tom frowned and took a breath.

"From me?  Would it make it easier with the girls.... if we weren't together?" his voice was soft, calm, warm.  His heart was clenched, his soul terrified.

Now she opened her eyes and sat up sharply. "Oh dear God NO!" she twisted and grabbed his hand, clutching it tightly in her two small ones. "NO! I just meant.... and this is the really AWFUL bit... I just wish it was only us two.  I mean, I love the girls, more than my life...." she took a breath and calmed herself, "But I just feel so... " her eyes roamed the room, as if searching for the words, "disappointed?"

"Why sweetheart?" He knew she was barely making sense to herself, let alone him, so he just let her speak.

"I wanted a happy ever after.  I wanted it all back. I really thought they would too. I never asked them to make a choice. I've only ever put them first and now? The first time I really REALLY want something for myself?" she looked into his eyes and sighed. "It's all taken away.  I want to stamp my feet and run away and..." now she started to cry, the real truth coming out. "I wish I was a better mum. I wish the girls didn't hate me. I wish they understood."

"Oh Flick, my beautiful, sweet, darling girl." He gathered her into his arms, kissing her tears away. "You're amazing and they don't and they will.  They're just confused darling, in reality they're still very young.  I know they seem older sometimes - especially when they're giving you the benefit of their extensive wisdom on bedtime - but they just don't want to upset anyone.  Especially not you, sweetheart. They love you." he waited, watching her carefully. The last thing he wanted was for her to be upset again.  "Just as I love you, no matter how awful you are!" Winking, he gently tapped the tip of her nose with his finger. "And no, I don't think you're awful for wanting to be happy.  Whether it's with me or not, you deserve to be happy."

In her sorrow, her mind grasped the wrong part of that sentence. "So you think I'll be happier without you? You really think I want to leave you? Oh Tom I can't be without you, I love you! Please don't leave me!" she dissolved into sobs, heaving and crying almost hysterically.

Tom knew this was in grave danger of escalating into something it really shouldn't be.  "Felicity." he said firmly. "Felicity Watson, look at me."  She was stunned into silence.  He'd used her maiden name deliberately to do just that.

"Tom? Watson? Really?"

"Yes, really." He nodded. "Glad there was still something I could say that would make you stop and listen." He put his hands on her shoulders. "You are not leaving me. I am not leaving you. Neither are you losing your girls." He looked into her eyes. "No matter what I have to do, I'll show them that they can enjoy a family life again without forgetting about their Dad." he smiled. "I've a few weeks off, why don't we take them on holiday.  Away somewhere warm and sunny,  before they have to go back to school. Do they have passports?  Do YOU have a passport?"

Flick looked at him, hardly able to believe what she was hearing. "Yes... yes we do.  We got them for going to Disneyland." she paused, trying not to be downcast in the face of this wonderful idea, "that was something else we never did."

Tom nodded, "Well maybe we shouldn't do that quite yet." he winked, "but how about a trip to say.... Majorca?  I know of a lovely little villa in the hills above Soller.  I stayed there while I filmed on the island - you remember, that spy thing?" She nodded, remembering VERY well. "It's secluded so we won't be disturbed. There's a lovely big pool and it's only fifteen minutes to the beach.  We can relax; go horse riding, play on the beach, YOU can swim in the sea with them" he winked, "and just get to know each other properly."

"Oh Tom, I don't know.  What if they act out?  What if it makes it worse?" she was desperate to say yes, but she was terrified.  If it all went wrong, it could cost her everything, including him.

"It has a Granny flat..." he sing-songed softly into her ear as he kissed her neck. "We could invite your mum....maybe have the odd day to ourselves... and there's safety in numbers...." he kissed her tenderly, then pulled back. "Come on, say yes...." he stroked the hair off her face, letting his fingers trail down her cheek and come to rest on her chin. 

Looking deep into her eyes, he smiled. "Say yes....." he kissed her throat, "say you'll come..." he kissed her mouth. Her lips parted and his tongue took up the persuasion.  Finally, she pulled away with a soft breath.

"Are you trying to enchant me Loki?" she said with a small smile, her eyes glinting with something other than tears now.

"And if I am?" he countered, one eyebrow arched. 

"It's worked." She smiled. "I'm yours.  Let's make sure the girls are too eh?" 

"You're phoning your mum, I'm too scared!" he laughed, standing up and walking to the door.  "Do it now, then we can go out for dinner. I fancy a steak. And some wine.  We're celebrating."

"You are?  You do?  We are? What?"

"You ask a lot of questions. We're celebrating us, love.  It's about time I made sure the world knows exactly how lucky I am to have you in my life.  Now, PHONE!" he pointed to the coffee table and closed the door.  As his footsteps disappeared upstairs to change, Flick looked over to the table.  Her phone lay on it, looking at her. Judging her.

She shook her head. No, it wasn't judging her.  SHE was doing that all by herself, and it needed to stop.  Tom was willing to try so she should too.  If it was all going to go south, she wanted to be able to say it wasn't for the lack of trying.  Steeling herself, she picked it up and dialled.

"Hi?  Mum?  It's me. Yeah, I'm ok. Question for you.... do you have a Passport.....?"