The Silent observer

-32-

I was so damn scared.
I woke up with hair all over my face and mouth.

My treasure was no longer with me.
At first I panicked.
Then I thought, maybe I threw it down while I was sleeping last night..

But when I picked up the book and saw that there were little wavy dots of tears, still fresh, on the paper.
Then I knew she had found it.

It felt like a huge mountain had collapsed and an avalanche of emotions came crashing down on me.

This is what I'm most afraid of.

Is she going to report it to the police?
Shit, I've got no idea...

I was so damn scared.
I've always been afraid my whole life.

A voice inside me said

"You can't run away from the avalanche, it will catch up with you no matter how fast you run. If you let it take over, someone might come to rescue you from the depths of the snow."

You were always just running away from it.
You never turned yourself in.

Kristy was always the sensible one, even back then.
And she always told me 
to be brave and face up.
And I know she wouldn't judge me...

I don't want to tell myself that what I did wasn't bad..

--------

With shaking hands, I dialed your number.

"H-hey do you have time to come over right now, I need to talk with you.."

I let out a deep breath, my heart was beating like crazy and when the doorbell rang half an hour later I almost had an attack.

I ran down the hall, to the door and quickly looked through the spy hole.

Kristy stood in front of my door with a upset look, fiddling with the ring on her little finger and biting her lip nervously.

I opened the door, she was a little startled because I opened it so unexpectedly.

I wanted to say something but didn't know exactly what and couldn't get anything out so I simply gestured to her that she could come in.

She followed me down the hall to my room, close behind me.
It felt incredibly uncomfortable how quietly she followed me.
I sensed that she was upset and wanted to talk with me.

When we sat in my room and sat down on the bed, she looked at me expectantly like she was waiting for something specific.
But I couldn't get a single word out.

Suddenly I started to tear up. I tried to suppress it but I couldn't.
I looked down, not daring to look Kristy in the face.

She took the burden off me by starting to speak.

"Yes, I read it"
At first it came across as a bit cold and emotionless on her part.

"Are you mad...?"
The first words squeezed out of my throat today.

It felt as if the little Elis inside me was wrapping her hands tightly around my neck to stop me from saying anything. I could hardly breathe

I heard her scream inside my head

"No no, no one can know that!"

I pressed my eyes togehter. Suddenly I felt Kristy hug me gently. The voice became quieter and the hands around my neck became weaker.

Kristy whispered to me

"If I said that of course I'm not mad at you, then it sounds like what you did wasn't bad."

I was about to cry even more

"But I'm not mad at you, and I don't want you to be mad at yourself anymore either. What you did back then, you only did because you wanted to protect yourself and your mother and that's completely understandable. And I wouldn't be mad at you in a hundred years."

I hugged Kristy tightly,
I felt like a little baby.

But she gave me just what the little baby back then would have needed in terms of support and love.

"You may feel guilty and what happened is horrible, indeed.
But don't forget that you were a little child. You were scared. You are not the one to blame for what happened.
I want you to be clear about that."

"If a child is so afraid and in pain that they do such thing, then it is the person who caused that pain who should be ashamed and not the child who had to endure the pain."

and.. Elis?

"Mh?..."

"I'm not perfect either, I also have feelings and my actions are sometimes impulsive. Because your heart decides in the moment what is most important to you, even if you don't always admit it. Sometimes we act outside of our consciousness, because our heart controls us. And sometimes that's the best thing. Sometimes you just have to turn off your brain and stop thinking about everything a thousand times."

"There's something else... that I have to tell you," Elis said with a trembling voice

"you can get rid of it,
It's alright."

---------

Yes, when I said that to Elis, I had absolutely no idea that she was gonna say something like what she did.

drama, action.

---------

"I lied to you about Riann."

My heart skipped a few beats when she mentioned Riann.

Maybe my little “brainstorm” in the hut wasn’t as wrong as I thought?

A minute ago I told Elis how you should listen to your heart and your feelings and that's what I did exactly.
But when I found the book and the truth about Elis father and her past, everything else in my mind stopped and I forgot why I was at her house in the first place.

"What does that mean...?"
I asked Elis with a pulse,
from what feels like about 180.

"She is not...not death."

Elis narrowed her eyes a bit and said...

"I locked her up in a mental hospital because I was afraid that she would find out about me and my secret and she did, and then, then I tampered with the car and took her away because I was so scared, I'm so sorry i-"

--------
Everything stopped for me, this time I really felt like my heart would stop. Everything after the first sentence that Elis had babbled, didn't even reach my brain anymore. I didn't even hear it. "

I jumped up

"Where is she?!"

Elis looked at me overwhelmed.
I shouted at her

"Where the fuck is Riann?!"

--------

"Near the yard, in this hostel...
The second house, which was converted for psychology patients and-"

I hadn't even finished speaking when Kristy ripped open the door and ran out.

I wanted to follow but she was too fast.
I heard the front door slam and sat on the bed again.

I smiled because of what she had said earlier.

"I'm not perfect either, I also have feelings and my actions are sometimes impulsive. Because your heart decides in that moment what is most important to you..."

I was actually really happy about it.

Go, save her...
I just thought