A bend in space-time (Season 3) - The Umbrella Academy

Chapter 10: Puppen Toten

Chronological markers: this scene fits in as a deleted scene from The Umbrella Academy, season 3, episode 3, around 14:00 (following the previous chapter, at the very end of the evening).

Suggested soundtrack: Sid Phillips - Sugar Beat ; Die Toten Hosen – Hier kommt Alex. TW: funny sexual innuendo.

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April 4 2019, 01:15 am

"That cube".

Above his half-drunk Irish coffee, Klaus stares at me, utterly baffled. Even more so than when he found out Granny was part of high society and was the costume designer for every musical and drag show on Crescent Avenue.

"That sassy Sparrow-box that looks like a Time Lord hypercube... that's you?"

Maybe it's because of his annoyingly spot-on Doctor Who reference, or maybe just for the sheer irony of it all, but he starts laughing—nervously and uncontrollably. Meanwhile, I'm over here, full-on grumbling like a malfunctioning Dalek.

"Not me. The person I could've become if I'd been raised by your damn monocled father."
He practically folds over the counter, laughing so hard he almost spills his drink and mine.
"Rin-rin, that thing looks like your granny's soul crammed into a sardine can..."
"You're being rude."
"No way! I can't take it. It's just too perfect."

He keeps laughing, almost to the point of crying. I have no idea why I'm so annoyed when I should just be laughing along. But somehow, it feels like he's roasting me by roasting Christopher, and that just cranks up my annoyance meter to max.

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I didn't burst out laughing when I found out you were Amish."
He takes a dramatic breath and jabs a finger at me.
"Watch it, Rin. Watch it. Five made it very clear and formally warned me: under no circumstances are you allowed to sleep with your Doppelgänger. Seriously, it's a cosmic no-go! Too bad."

His laughter bursts out again, and he clutches his sides, prompting me to give his ribs a little reflexive elbow. He gasps for air, then finally settles down a bit, wiping the corners of his eyes before tossing his purple swim cap onto the bar.

"Phew... I don't think I've laughed like that since 1961."
"Grrmmm."
"Do you fart when he's around?"
I shake my head as he chuckles again.
"I don't know. Not more than usual. The first time, I didn't stick around long, and earlier today, he was holed up in some kind of basement bunker that filtered most of his energy."
"The basement bunker..."

I can see that mentioning the bunker kills his laughter, even giving him a slightly pained expression. I know Viktor was locked up in that basement. Number Seven too. I thought about it myself on the bus a little earlier. I nod to let him know I get it, letting out a sigh of helplessness.

"This time, it felt more like a recharge station or a resting pod. With... all this complicated technology to keep his energy contained in there. Your father called it... 'Kryptonium'. Or maybe 'Psykronium'?"

Klaus nods, finally back to a bit more seriousness, even though his lashes are still a bit damp. He gives a thoughtful nod.

"It's a bit like the situation that led Luther to use detangling shampoo on his chest, in the end. He... he saved you guys from a pretty desperate situation."
I can only nod because he's right.
"Yeah. And I can guess it wasn't out of altruism or fatherly love."

Klaus takes another sip of his Irish Coffee, and I order another ristretto. I think the bartender is really hoping we'll wrap this up so he can finally call it a day.

"He doesn't teleport, does he?"
I shrug slightly.
"He might have been able to in the past: who knows? He could definitely become intangible, though. It seems like now... he's all about manipulating energy, diving into machines and people's nervous systems."
Klaus tilts his head, clearly intrigued.
"He can make people feel cold, scared, and in pain: I was there. And he zapped Diego a bunch of times, right in the butt! That's pure genius. Could you do that too?"
"Of course not!"
"Damn, you're such a killjoy".