fourth wing xadens pov

chapter 21

Chapter 21: Distance

Back in the flight field the next morning, I’m still replaying kissing her over and over, just to punish myself. Each time feels more brutal than the last. I hear her gasps and moans, then the boom of thunder through the air. I taste her lips on mine, then bile as I realise what I’ve done without her consent. I see her eyes heated and burning, like nothing else in the world matters but me, then a searing flash of hurt and betrayal.

It plays on repeat, torturing me. Sgaeyl flies us up high into the clouds, a watchful eye turning to look back at me between her wings. She’s not said anything to me all morning. 

I stopped us, at least. If we’re tallying rights and wrongs here, that’s got to count for something, right? And it’s not like I was completely unaffected by Sgaeyl and Tairn’s encounter; my fists clench at the memory of that blazing heat ripping through me while I tried to keep her upright and shielding. Maybe not in the same way as Violet, but still… does it count? Barely.

I sort through the memory of last night, searching for clues. Where did I let it go too far? When should I have stopped it? But in the harsh light of morning, it all feels so fucked up. I can’t untangle our emotions from the dragons, my feelings from hers, what’s real and not real.

She was relying on me to protect her, to teach her to shield and keep her safe. And instead, I let our emotions – no, my emotions – override everything else. I think of the moment when I cupped her face in my hands, her eyes closed and trusting me as she built those first shields in her mind. She put her faith in me, and I betrayed her.

We’re bound together forever through our dragons, but it’s become brutally clear that I cannot trust myself around her. I am so overwhelmingly attracted to her that it took less than twenty minutes for me to have her pressed against the wall and every rational reason not to kiss her gone from my head. She’s Brennan’s sister. She’s bonded to Tairn. I need her on our side at the end of this. I need her to trust us. And I am going about it in every possible wrong way.

Gods, I would love to tell her everything. I’m dying to bring down the walls between us and let her see who I really am. But if I do that, I betray everyone who has placed their trust in me. She would never tell, I’m certain of it, but it only takes one unguarded moment with Aetos and all of us are dead. As much as I want her to know, I can’t risk it. I need to stay the fuck away from her.

“It has to be soon, Xaden.” Sgaeyl only addresses me by name when she’s furious with me.

“Yeah, well…. sorry I’m struggling to bring up your dead brother is alive in everyday conversation.” I fire back at her, still prickly that her antics last night and suspiciously forgetful lack of blocking has gotten me into this situation. 

“That’s not the information I’m referring to you and you know it.” Her golden eye pins me to my seat. She’s right. That has – and will always be – Brennan’s secret to share. “She must know about the venin and the threat beyond our borders. I will not ask Tairn to keep it from her much longer. It’s breaking him.”

“I’m not keeping this from her for fun. Her powers are too new, she needs time to build proper shields.”

“The Aetos boy does pose a problem,” Sgaeyl murmurs. “I could still torch him if you like.”

I roll my eyes, a small smile spreading across my face, despite myself.

“Ok, not yet,” Sgaeyl agrees, all jokes aside. “But soon, Xaden. She must know soon.”