social phobia • l.h

IV

everything seemed to be a haze now and days, somewhat like a dream, a memory I had even more lack focusing that it seemed like I had almost lost count as the days went by..
as for now, I have absolutely no idea what day it is. It's been raining on and off that it almost seems like time is not even passing at all. I've started avoiding Michael ever since that day.
The day I told him I wanted to end my life, I was beginning to think maybe it was for the better you know? He doesn't need someone like me. Besides he hasn't bothered calling.
Maybe I didn't matter to him at all.
I'm currently sitting in front of my window, at home. I'm constantly home alone ever since my mom has started her recent business trips. I'm alone.
I heard my doorbell since so I rushed downstairs to open the door. To my surprise it was a boy in shaggy messed up black hair, he wore almost the same thing as the last time I had seen him black jeans and a white t-shirt. Since it had been raining outside it seemed like his shirt stuck onto his skin.

'hey, kels haven't seen you for awhile how you been?' he spoke quietly, I had been so lost in my thought that I still had not realized he was still standing out in the pouring rain. I invited him and we walked up my room upstairs and I sat on the bed next to him, he let out a sigh followed him slowly taking in a deep breathe and exhaling.

'So, Michael how you been?'

'Kels, lets cut to the chase how are YOU and be honest with me...you've been avoiding me."
"Michael, I..it was for the better you know? You shouldn't be wasting your time with someone like me"
My lips quivered I had not spoken those words out loud and admitted that in awhile now...this was the first time in awhile that I had admitted that I was not alright, I was far from alright. I was terrible.

'Kelsey, sweetie who are you talking too?' I had not realized that my mom had gotten home, she looked at me concerned.
'Sorry, mom I had not realized you were home, this Michael he's my fr-friend'
'oh wow sounds great!' with that she left.
'Kelsey you're worth it, God damn you're more than worth it and even in those baggy sweatpants and droopy eyes you're still worth it and beautiful' he placed his hand on mine, I felt something, something real.
I felt safe

________________________

It was Tuesday afternoon, and me and Michael were sitting underneath the football bleachers,
'so how do you like your classes? Is there anyone who is bothering you.'
'No, no one is bothering me. Besides the fact that I have to sit next to Luke' every time I spoke or heard his names I got shivers down my spines, I hated him. I hated him for the reason that he was the person who made me feel even worse about myself, awhile ago in freshmen year Luke and his friends wrote the word 'slut' on my locker, in permanent marker for talking to a guy... The funny thing was I had never even had sex.
'Cheer up kels. It can't be that bad.'
'Yes it can trust me!'

'Kelsey? What are you doing down there?' A familiar voice spoke.
'oh luke, hey um what are you doing here?'
'I came here to you know take a breather. It's loud inside. '
'Yeah.'
'So Kelsey who are you talking too again?'
'My friend, Michael...' I turned to introduce Michael but he was no longer there, he had vanished. I guess Luke scared him off. That was on of the first of many Michael began leaving mysteriously.
________________
'Kelsey, I have spoken to your mother and me and her have both agreed to change your medication a little you know..so take these from now on.'
he handed me a orange color bottle, I guess he had already ordered them before hand for me. I didn't bother reading the label since they were probably just a new brand. Plus reading the label, made me curious to look up what the side effects where, and the side effects were always somewhat negative so they always depressed me more.
"Alright" I spoke
"So have you seen Michael lately?"
"Yes I have actually... He came over the other day and we spoke. But he's been leaving sometimes without saying bye which is weird...but I guess sometimes he just does not want to say goodbye."
____________

It's been officially a week and a half or so now that I've started taking in this medication and I have been feeling for tired than usual maybe it was because of my lack of sleep or lack of eating. Ever since I began taking this medication I have started seeing Michael less and it was beginning to make me sad, was he mad at me? Had I done something wrong? I just wanted what was best for me? I had only said hi to luke. Speaking of the devil, Luke has become speaking to me more the other day he asked me why I liked to draw so much in class and I answered 'I just zone out' and he replied 'maybe that's why you're failing' and winked. I don't understand Luke, he can be decent in class but outside of class he doesn't bother to even look at me... He was an ass. In the entire time I had not seen Michael I had painted him a picture, of a sunset cliche but it was the only thing that reminded me of him.
"Kelsey sweetie are you planning on eating?"
"I'm not hungry"
"Fine."
"hey mom... Why haven't I seen Michael recently? Has he called!? If he does tell him I miss him. And I'm sorry. "
She nodded and didn't say anything but I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it and that's what bothered me the most. I was in the dark once again. In that moment my alarm went off I realized that I had to attend a after school bonfire tonight, it's not like I wanted too of course it was extra credit and Dr.Bennet believed that it would be good for my mental health you know to take my mind off Michael, but ever since me and Michael met I've fallen more and more for him.. I think I began developing feelings and maybe it was because no one has ever looked at me that way, you know almost like their eyes sparkle when they said my name, or how when our hands touched I felt warm and funny inside...a good kind of funny too, I dusted myself off and began walking downstairs where my mother met me to drive me to the bonfire.

By the time I had zoned back into reality I had realized I was here, in the area but the thing was I didn't want to be here. I know it's my senior year, I know I have to go eventually and live life but I wasn't quite ready you know God I wasn't ready. I exited the car and said my goodbyes and stood in the back of the crowd, everyone of course was drinking and getting wasted but I didn't want to do any of that I just wanted to sit. sit. sit.
"hey beautiful " A guy by the name Ashton approached me, he reeked of alcohol but I only gave him a half smile to be polite.
"how are you? why are you so lonely come on." he nudged my shoulder.
"I just am bored, don't wanna be here"
Go home. Go home. Go home Kelsey go home. I could almost hear michaels voice in my ears but he wasn't there..
"well here have some punch babe." he handed me a red solo cup and I drank from it, drinking an unclear substance.

a couple of foreign drinks later, and a conversation later I realized that my vision was getting really hazy, i begged Ashton to let me go home but he insisted we take a walk. Once we were deep into the woods, I realized that he began getting a bit too touchy for my liking, i pushed him off nicely but somehow he found his hand back on my ass. soon enough before I opened my mouth again he shoved me against a tree. "Come on kels. This will make you unbored...it will be fun " I couldn't believe this, my vision was hazy and my voice felt weak and I couldn't push him off.
"Ashton please ssstop" my words we're slurry.
I could feel my face getting hot and he began unbuttoning my shirt and pressing harder against me, tears began streaming down my face and he held ahold of my hands firmly.
I was powerless.
"PLEASE. PLEASE " were the only words that managed too escape from my throat but clearly not loud enough since no one had come to help me, or maybe they heard and didn't care.
I was alone.