social phobia • l.h

III

the next couple of days were a blur to me almost as if I were asleep for an entire month. so that explained why exactly I was out of it and gone. Michael and me are growing closer but no matter how close we are he still never explains to me what exactly those marks on his wrist are....I guess I'll never learn.

Michael says he's an artist he tells me he loves to draw in his free time, he loves the structures of the lines and shapes. I asked him to show me his artwork but he refused. I guess I wasn't too surprised. I knew he wouldn't.

I think for the first time in forever.... I might actually have a friend.

"Kelsey?"

I had zoned out again and this time she had noticed... I looked up clutching onto my sweater cuffs. Everyone was watching.. Some people were giggling. My anxiety began to rise again. I can't do this. I gave her a quick nod before looking down again.

"Alright, Okay you will you move back there with Kelsey and make sure she doesn't zone out anymore?"

Unbelievable! Now I had a babysitter to watch me and make sure I learned.

"pay attention" He chuckled before gently shoving my elbow off the table. I looked up and only saw his blonde hair and notebook full of notes.

I hated being sick because I couldn't learn, I just hated myself. I guess. This was MY fault. Being sick was my fault.

The top of his paper was labeled luke by the last name followed hemmings. Which is when I realized.

I was sitting next to luke hemmings.

I was utterly disgusted, I could feel the yogurt I had for dinner last night begin to come up. (Yes I did only have yogurt for dinner...) I couldn't believe he was sitting next to me. I didn't like him. This wasn't a good surprised. A more of get me the hell out of here surprise. The last thing i needed was this blonde kid to start with me.

I guess I zoned out again because next thing I knew I had drawn circled and scribbles all across my paper with the words "NO NO NO NO NO!!!" "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!" "I HATE MYSELF" All over the page. In the corner of my eye I spotted in look over and analyze what I drew but before he could open his mouth I ripped out the page.

so much for acting normal.

_____________

"I just don't understand Michael"

he climbed up the bleachers before resting his head on my shoulder.

"just don't stress yourself out."

I guess I had began to start pulling my hair because before I knew it michael was holding my hands down.

"kels"

"it's going to happen again."

"I can feel it michael."

"I'm going to get bullied again"

"I'm going to be alone."

"I can't do this"

" I don't want to be alone"

"I want to-"

"You want to what kels?"

"Nothing." I frowned upon myself for letting my inner thoughts come out.

"You want to WHAT kels."

"I want to kill myself" I sighed before shoving my hands in my face.

and with that there was silence.