Junior Jump scares

Shattered

11:31pm 10/19/2024
Shattered

I'm stuck in the past
My memories a time lapse
Going over and over and over
Till I collapse

Pain is the trigger and it shoots at the wound
Every time trauma
Every-time shot too soon

Gotta lay there and bleed out or just take the bullet out
Because no one's ever gonna save me so I've gotta save myself

Limping from the battle field as I'm screamed at from behind, "get back over here, I said get back in line"

A good solider would run back, a better one would run away

So why do I stand there in a stalemate
Looking at the wreckage

And staring down the future

And reliving the torment as if it could be a teacher

I've learned that lesson
I've already seen this feature

They come home never to fight again so why don't I believe her.

The voice in my head that says I'll skate again. That too skate is too breathe and without it I'm dead

Yet every time I try to fly I'm pummeled in the head
With the rocks that already broke me
with a stabbing blade instead 
Lodged into my hopes and my heart
Just when I think I can get it to restart
What's with this bullshit
All I wanted was my love

Was 17 years of it, all I'll ever know?
Was the last time I put on a glove,
or tied my skates really my last

Cause every time I try to restart I end up in a cast

Been thrown back to  the starting line so constantly that overtime
The shock and horror fade away
Until I start to move again
And start to feel that pain.

Pain is the trigger and it shoots down at the wound

Every time I'm limitless I'm limited too soon.

Every time I think I'm back and start to see results
I'm pummeled to a pulp
Gotta relearn how to cope

My blades freshly sharpened
My skates sit there collecting dust
My blades were mounted on an angle
The lucky Pennie's gone to rust

Been grated down and shattered to a million pieces
I glue them back together but there's nobody that it pleases
but that's not why it shined when it began.

The memories are dimming
Emotions are screaming
And the clatter of the fall
Making a mess of it all
Is all that I am hearing?
It's deafening.

A bullet in my shoes.
Got metal in my hips
Black and blue hues
And still reminds me of bliss

And still I ask myself
Weather tattered or torn
I beg to god to restore me to when the penny was shiny and newborn.

To when she was sparkling for everyone to see
And hard as a rock no one could break me

Before they dropped me and pounded out the spark. Before they tainted the sky and turned it from light to dark
Before the ice turned to a whirlpool that drowned anyone who skated instead of school

Like I had a choice

I think in my fuzzy delirious mind 
Like I had any autonomy over my life
Of any kind

So what does an abused child do
When she's drowning in the sorrow and pain of her mothers pool
None of her fractures, breaks, or scratches were her choice, yet she must live on with all of them like an un tamed yelling VOICE.

She's blocked it out
But every-time the pain returns

Pain is the trigger and it shoots at the wound

I'm stuck in the past

Will this be over soon

Every time trauma
Every-time shot again and again and again too soon

I'm stuck in the past

Until I collapse

The air is too hot

I cannot breathe

As I watch the blood ooze

My desire is the gun
My
Pain is the trigger
and it shoots bullets at my wounds
Every time I fly
I've fallen
And think

Like I had the right to choose.