the lost 5 years of my life

chapter 7: those appointments

When I left Kenneth's office, I noticed a guy was outside in the waiting room.

He was leaning forward with elbows on his knee, wearing a black tee with black jeans. So his thin figure seemed even thinner. The medium length black wavy hair covered his face.

He suddenly titled his head up in my direction, revealing a pale face beneath. His big blue eyes fixed on me and there was a strange expression overshadowing. He almost opened his plump lips but didn't.

His eyes were remarkably beautiful, surrounded by thick black lashes. But it was not what made me stop in my way. It was a strange familiar feeling I got when he looked at me. As if he felt the same.

We locked eyes for a couple seconds. And he put his hand through his hair and stood up and walked into Kenneth's office. So he was a patient here too.

I continued my way out. I was recalling the interaction of a couple seconds. He was handsome but that wasn't it.
The way his eyebrows were close to his eyes made him look mysterious and his facial expression was not friendly, in fact, it was even tense and brooding. But he looked like he knew me or something.

I went back home.

After a day, I decided to read more of the diary.
I didn't seem to write with the purpose to record my life. It was more like a place where I vent about my emotions and thoughts which are mostly negative. So the read was not fun nor very informative.

There was something interesting.

September18th 2023

He told me he would give me a present for my birthday. I felt so happy.
Also feel feared he wouldn't actually give me. Every time I felt happy, I felt dread too.
He has been good to me, he listens to me.
But something in me keeps telling me it is inappropriate. What if other people knew?

What if my mom knows? She didn't pay my therapy bill so I could get a date.

He is kinda pushy and usually doesn't take no for an answer. But I like him.
His presence makes me feel safe. I am planning to kiss him on my birthday.

Sep 21st 2023

Yesterday was jolly.
He gave me a colorful pinwheel, as a reminder of my strength.
He told me that I must not give in to strong turbulent winds of life, in fact, I should use it as advantage and spin accordingly. How beautiful his mind is.
We totally kissed.

He told me he didn't want to take advantage of me, so I initiated the kiss.
I was reborn at the touch of his lips.
For the first time in a long time, I felt complete.
I am afraid to lose him. I think he feels the same. I should thank my mother for sending me to 'healing Aura'

I almost dropped the book to the floor.

Was I? Was I dating my therapist?
Were we and Dr Kenneth?
Was that why he looked so friendly and so good to me the other day?

Oh.. I didn't know how to feel about it. Surely, the doctor was handsome, and kind. But it was clearly a violation of ethics.
Well, he was an adult and maybe we discussed it.

I could feel my heart beating fast. Finally, something good has happened in those lost years.

What kind of life I was living now, I went to the man I kissed without memory of it at all. The doctor must have pretended it didn't happen of course.

I was determined to make sure about it.

No wonder, when the next appointment time came, I took time to make myself pretty.
I had to look for the old clothes I wore in my college years. I matched the pink floral blouse with a dusty pink skirt. I even wore makeup and a hint of blusher.

Kenneth looked the same. He wears a white button down with dark blue trousers. He looked so good but the age difference was pretty obvious.

"You look good today Mary, I am glad to see you this way", he greeted.

I tried to search for meaning in his hazel eyes. They are shiny but all I could see was good will. And his facial expression was genuine like a big brother. Well, we were in his office. He might switch professional mode on.

We talked for 45 minutes. I didn't dare ask personal questions so we discussed how I was doing lately, and we talked about my drawings. Apparently I had shown them before and he particularly thought the empty hands painting was of good quality.

He suggested I should keep on living my life while I was searching for who I was at the same time.

At the end of the session, I couldn't make up my mind about our past relationship.
Nor did I feel anything towards him. I didn't find him attractive.

I guessed I should use some technique in the end.
Just before I left the room, I turned around and asked,
"Have you had lunch? Would you like to join me, I m going to the salad bar near here"

He smiled openly, "I am afraid I have to decline, I have to check my patients files"

He refused so politely I didn't feel rejected.

I left the room, with one clarity. Even if we were a thing in the past, there was no way we would continue, not from his side nor mine.

I left the building. And there he was. The brooding dark haired guy, leaning the wall, smoking vape.

"Hey" he greeted me as I looked at him.

"Hey"
I greeted back.

He walked towards me, and alongside me when I continued walking.

"Dont you have an appointment?"I inquired.

"No, its next week, I wrongly put the date in my calendar as today" he answered lightly.

"How long have you been seeing him, Dr Baker,?" I asked him. I felt like that was the only common thing we had at the moment.

"A couple years off and on"

"Have we met before?" I blurted out.

He didn't seem surprised, he seemed to know already about my condition. How come my condition was public knowledge?

"Yeah, we met" that was all he answered, "since I'm here, I am thinking of checking out the new restaurant around the corner, the Chinese one. Have you been there?"

"No, well, if I had, I don't remember", I answered sheepishly.

"Wanna join?" He asked so casually as he ran his hand through his hair.

"Okay, why not"

We ate at the new Chinese restaurant and talked over food.
It turned out it was really easy to talk to him. And I happened to notice every time he lifted his hair up.
And the way he looked a couple years younger when he laughed. And he laughed so heatedly at my jokes.

He had a tattoo on his biceps that kept showing when he moved his arm, under the sleeve of his black t-shirt.

It was almost we instantly clicked. I bet he was feeling the same as me.

His name was Zayn.