the lost 5 years of my life

chapter 14: demon

I couldn't sleep for the following days.
Even though those memories were blurry and dreamy, I knew they happened.

I connected the dots. Helen said there was an incident with HR about a partner. I knew what happened now.

It made me so sad. I was already feeling low. I thought my father's death was part of my fault. I remembered now how I took the news.
I recalled the time when I looked at my father drunk sleeping on the floor and wondering why he was acting that way. It was not like he had any big problems. He had work, and a stable home. And even though he and my mother fought from time to time, nothing was big.

I remembered hearing my mother kept saying to him that he was drinking himself to death. I remembered wondering if he really did have no reason to live.

I was the apple of his eyes. I remembered he was very proud of my achievements no matter how little they were. In fact, he even told me a couple times, that I was his reason to live.
When he seemed to give into daily day and night drinking, I wasn't so sure if I was the reason for him to live anymore.

In fact, he never should have put such pressure on me. Sometimes, adults don't know the impact of their words on children.

After his untimely death, I was struggling with all of those thoughts. I was numb and I didn't know what to think anymore.
I felt sad more and more by blaming myself. I finished my exams but I had rough nights alone in my room.

Kenneth said it was delayed onset of grief, which was one of the abnormal grief forms.
I was feeling mixed feelings of anger, guilt and denial for a long time.

I interned at the prestigious law firm together with Helen. I was full of hopes and ambitions.
Then the assault happened. I quit not long after facing the ridicule by a group of people. They chose not to believe me.
Helen didn't even know the reason I quit. She noticed I slowly deteriorated though.

After that, the free fall into the depressionville came.

My negative thoughts kept it longer. And my poor compliance and distrust in therapy in the beginning worked definitely against my recovery. I got angry often, and thought the worst of the people around me.
I blamed myself for everything. I punished myself by being away from happy things and people. I just couldn't get out of it. I was trapped.

And then the light started to come through. It started to tear apart the bubble I hid inside.
The medications did work when they were taken regularly. The therapy and social support started to draw me out of my cave.

I spent many days reconstructing my timeline which was part of memory retrieval work.
I wrote down the facts on the paper so they were tangible.

I put things back into the store. I didn't want to see my depression paintings again, except the empty hands.

When I tried to carry the paintings, I fell and dropped them on the floor. I sat up, accepting 5 paintings were too heavy to be carried on one go. I took two from above, and a thing fell off.

A closed envelope.

I skipped a beat. For no apparent reason, I knew it contained the letter I wrote to the person who hurt me the most.

I rushed onto bed, opening it. Eager to confirm the memories I got in hypnosis were real.

In fact, they were. The letter was to Mr. Kelly Berman. A famous lawyer from the firm I worked at.

I wrote down the seemingly harmless remarks in the beginning, the lingering touch, and to the final event in the elevator.
I wrote down how much I hated him and how I wished I had kicked his nuts with all my strength.

I ended the letter with a promise to myself that I would try to be better and see it as a personal flaw of his, not mine. It was how wrong he did. Not how I stood without pushing him hard. It was how evil of a person he was.

So there it was, my demon, with horns on the head, glaring red eyes and sharp teeth, always hanging over my head, trying to take more from me.

I looked it in the eyes, and I showed it I was better than him.

I would no longer give into him. I would no longer give into the past.
Because I had overcome it once. I could do it again.

I faced the demon on the way. I continued my path, straight and through.