the lost 5 years of my life

chapter 12: what we were

I couldn't leave the bed.
Things started to need very much effort.

Even to open the laptop, it needed a lot from me.
I stopped going to yoga. And I skipped even baths.

I spent a couple days just lying in bed, starting into the space in front. I woke up early and didn't move, it was as if I was playing dead.

My mom dropped in a couple times, and he brought me food to eat in bed. It seemed like it was not a new thing for her.
She looked worried but she didn't ask me many questions.

I didn't know how to handle the Zayn condition.
I started to feel stupid.

How easily fooled I was. How stupid of me to trust my guts. I repeated the same mistake, literally.
How could I even think I would be that lucky?

Like in my poem, I had a hole in my heart. Now, in my head too. No one was strong enough to save me.

A headache had been bugging me for days. I tried to drink water as much as I could. Dehydration would be the only thinkable cause. Unless, I had a brain tumor. It might have been easier.

When I had that thought, I started to wonder maybe I needed medication again. The appointment time wasn't due. I could call him. But I didn't want to bother him. I didn't wanna save me either.

Zayn didn't text me anymore. I wish I knew what he was thinking, or planning.
I wished I never involved with him. Romantic relationships were too much work, let alone with a potential murderer.

I thought the best thing to do now was to give us space, and time to reflect ourselves. And let things get settled.

I was looking at internet without aim, my phone chimed.
It was Zayn. My heart skipped a beat.

'Hi, I was angry and insecure. I am sorry. I wish you are doing well. I am here if you need anyone to talk to'

I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding.
Maybe he was insecure. If he ghosted me, I didn't know what I might have said.
Maybe two people suffering from mental illnesses should not be dating.

Moodwise, I thought the worst was over. I was starting to get better again. I felt refreshed and gained energy back slowly. I could even go to yoga class the following day. And I couldn't help but notice Yoga did help me a lot on my mood. I felt more mindful of my movements, my thoughts and my feelings too.

I was starting to get bored, and tidying things up. I came across the last diary that I put aside before.
I thought I might as well give it a try. Things couldn't possibly get worse.

November 1st 2023

We went to holloween party last night.
He was scared of clowns. How funny. He looked all tough.

He told me he had a lot of fears growing up.
He told me his struggles to fit in at school. How he always felt anxious in social situations.
how he felt envy that his elder sister didn't have any of that.
Then he said, it must be because mother only left when she was 15 years old. It ached my heart.

At that moment, he was not the brooding hot guy that I like to spend the night with. He was a child, a 10 years old. Someone so innocent and so helpless.
I wanted to hug him so tight I could push away his sadness.

Like he did mine. With him, I felt safe and complete. The first time since my father death.

I told him about my father.
How I thought it was my fault since I was not the reason for him to stop drinking.
He listened and said it was not my fault, like Kennenth said.
Kenneth explained to me, alcohol was a disease. And it was no one's fault.